I'm Sorry You Are Stuck With... Him.

Love, they say, means never having to say you are sorry.


Personally, I think that is one of the most idiotic and selfish ways to view love.  That ranks pretty high up there, almost equal to the idea that in love, the other person has to accept you as who you are with not a single change required at all.

And that's why you're lonely.
Or why others pity your partner.

What a huge steaming pot of cow offal these adages are!

First of all, even if you are in a loving, honest and responsible relationship, if you in any way mess up or do something wrong, then by the powers that be you better fess up and apologize to your partner.  It does not matter if your partner is socially-inept, image-conscious, uneducated, weathly-rich-spoiled, uglier than your penis warts or more beautiful than the love child of Papa P and whoever becomes his Mama, if you do something that insults him, abuses his trust, makes him look stupid, wastes his time, or worse, plays with his heart, then apologize for your lack of actual intelligence in doing it.  The act of realizing and accepting one's guilt and role in a mistake is crucial in a proper relationship to work.  So you woke up late to show up at a date?  Apologize!  Fess up as to why you did not sleep earlier and be man enough to say you are sorry.    Or maybe you somehow started a small white lie, like claimed to call your partner open-minded enough to let you fuck around, and now the lie has reached his ears and the world can see he never really saw things that way... would you really have the gall to believe you had every right to do what you wanted because in a relationship, the man you claim to love and have labelled an idiot to all your conquests should accept you as who you are?

Or rather, as WHAT you are?

Because if you are going to act like a self-centered manipulative bastard, your partner has every right to punch your lights out and call you exactly what you are.

If you are guilty, you better admit you are.
Only then does a "Sorry" really have worth.

Many counter that love requires compromise.  This is true.  But the sad thing about this truth is many stretch it too far into realms beyond actual compromise.  For example, compromise is cutting down on going out since your partner wants to stay home on some nights.   Compromise is smoking outside the house since your partner is asthmatic.  Compromise is not owning a pet since your partner is actually phobic to the said animal.

Those are proper compromises.  Those are compromises that happen in a relationship where communication actually happens.

"I thought you were just living with your ex... oh."

Compromise is not sleeping with anyone you want to since the other has never complained about it.    Compromise is not letting your partner sleep around because you are afraid to complain and mess things up and end up living life alone.  Compromise is not giving up on your hobby or dreams because your money is needed to pay your partner's extracurricular needs.  Especially when those needs are fickle expenses that he should, had he had any real-male balls between his thighs and actual contents where his brain should be, be responsible enough to curb if he can't afford on his own.

Admittedly, many people have dreams of living a carefree life.   Marry rich and die happy, they say.  Find a wealthy foreigner to foot your bills for the rest of your life.  Better yet, make sure you find someone who is afraid to be left alone.  In the straight side of things, this was very prevalent towards women.  Find a handsome rich man.  It doesn't matter if you don't really like him, you will be happy with him.  He has money. Get pregnant before he escapes.  Horrible.  Simply horrible.  Did these parents ever realize they were telling their own daughters to give up being people and just sell their vaginas to the closest man with a hefty wallet?

Makes me wanna Expose, Educate, Inspire people who think they're already perfect.
Perfectly messed up and selfish, if you ask me.

And strangely, many gay guys have embraced the very same idea.    They want to live Eat-Pray-Whatever the Fuck that book is called lives where they splurge money needlessly on quests to find themselves when their real problems were issues with them not being honest to themselves.    And before you even try to peg it on me, I have nothing against rich people or foreigners.   I do have huge issues with gold diggers.  Especially those who believe they DESERVE the other person's hard earned money.

Does he know you measure him based on his monetary worth?

A relationship requires a real sense of balance.  
And understandably, how that is defined differs from couple to couple.  I know of long term couples that have opened their doors to having sex with others.  The beauty of this?  Full disclosure.  No lies about being single to net the next cutie.  No slanderous excuses given to explain away the "room mate."  Real open relations where one tells dated guy he is actually in a relationship but the partner is open to the idea.  And the partner himself does the same thing.  Equity.  Balance.

Some how, that seems so hard to accept for most people.
So they do what is easier.  They lie.  They invent.  They tell their loved ones how special they are, then ask for money to go out and find someone new to fuck.  And that someone later on will have to discover to his horror  his hook up happens to be taken.  And the loved one learns as far as the hook up was concerned, he didn't exist... well until shit hit the fan.  So many lies.  Layer and layer that when sprung, can destroy trust that took years to earn.   That can destroy all the joyful memories that were built through the months.  Or years.

Why are you so afraid to be yourself?

It makes me wonder why bother lying?
Why not be honest to your partner?  Why not admit your needs?  Or insecurities?  Or fears?  Why not work though everything AS a couple?  After all, that is what you want to be right?  A couple?

Love is means you say sorry.  But most of the time, you won't really have to.
Well, you won't if you are doing your part.

Love fuels a relationship, after all.
And if you're not really doing your share to keeping a relationship running...

The best liars are the ones who believe their own lies.

.. you are not in Love.
So just admit it.
Don't add another layer to the lies you might already struggle to hide.

Again, Kylie speaks volumes of this.

Be honest from the start.
Full disclosure.  Better, after all, as Kylie said the devil you know.
And you will see how easy it becomes to be sensitive and true to one another.

But even French Fries deserve to be happy.
The birds though, they should learn to be content.

Saying sorry becomes a rare event.
Because there are fewer times you will ever need to say it.

I thought you guys were braver than this

The Philippines recently had its annual Gay Pride March and much to my dismay, I was not able to take part in it this year.  My partner and I had been looking forward to taking part in it for months after experiencing the excitement and pride of being part of something meaningful last year.  Unfortunately, my parents decided that the same weekend was to be a good weekend to fly to Singapore to celebrate my sister's birthday.  So like a good recently outed gay son, I decided to do my share in being part of the family and joined them for the trip.

Last year with my other friends.

Being able to take part in an event that allows you to celebrate being yourself is something I honestly wish more people get a chance to experience.  While coming out is a personal journey in every gay person's life, stepping outside to join the Pride March is a call for courage and the willingness to make a statement.  A statement that says, "We are who we are and we are not ashamed."  And as ironic as it sounds, taking part of the march while wearing a mask since one might still be in the closet is quite welcome.   Just as much as any straight friend joining the march to support their gay friends.   The march, after all, isn't about just being gay.  It is about celebrating the fact as diverse as we all are, we are happy to be who we are.

I remember how excited I was last year to join the Pride March.  I wasn't out to my family.  While most of my co-workers and friends knew I wasn't walking the "straight" path, few neighbors or family friends were aware of my preferences.   But I admired the courage of those who had been part of the march year after year and realized in many ways it was more than just a chance to show off one's gayest costume (like some do).  In fact, those who showed off their gayest costumes were simply doing something I was, back then, afraid to do:  Just be myself and have fun.

My partner and me in our matching black Trek shirts

My partner and I decided to join the march wearing our black Star Trek shirts to celebrate our unity as a couple and as geeks.    And even if I was still in the closet family-wise, I threw away all fears of being discovered and walked with my face clearly visible for all to see.

And experienced very quickly all the hate and bigotry that certain members of society had for me.

They were at the corners, with their banners and placards condemning us for being who we were.  Calling us vile things.  Speaking into their loudspeakers cruel and wicked words.    They used the Lord's name in vain.  They used the Bible as a personal weapon.   And they said WE were the one's who had lost our way.

So much hate from people claiming to love God.

It was the first time they have ever seen me, and they hated me down to the very core of my being.

Some of our friends retaliated.

They made their own posters.  They chanted their own slogans.  They yelled back.  Or sang.  Or threw jokes back.  Insults too.   But all they did was encourage the hate even more.  Fan the flames stronger.  Fed the evil that called itself good.

I felt it was a sad reminder of how people still believed we were best invisible.
Or non-existent.

And even worse was when I heard from people I consider my friends the similar themes of hate.

One facebook friend wrote about the Pride March not representing him since it merely showcased freaks.  Another proudly shared how he was invited to the March but felt it was all just politics.   Was that really how bad it get's here in the Philippines?  That the discrimination ran so deep, rather than take part to BE represented, we would rather insult and demean those who clearly showed a courage superior to our own?   That we would dismiss the march as merely something political, when in fact, it WAS political for the right reasons.  It was political because we deserve to be acknowledged.  We deserve to be recognized.  We deserve to be accepted.  We aren't even seen as mere equals.  It wasn't a call for special treatment.  It was a call to be identified as real.  Damn right it was political!

Yes, it felt so much like this.

How sad, therefore, that its urgency is so easily dismissed and thrown aside.

There I was, stick in Singapore, wishing I could be part of it, and here were friends of mine so content with their own personal concerns that the idea of being part of something bigger felt... unimportant.

It was insulting.  It was depressing.
It nearly drove me to disassociate myself with them.
Who needs friends who don't see the point in seeing you to the very least as equals.
More so when they themselves were gay.

Of course, when it comes to the "other" annual big gay event, the so-called White Party attendance shoots up and celebrations are explosively present.  When it comes to bathhouses and models strutting around in badly designed underwear, you have throes of gay men screaming their tonsils out.   Clearly sex sells.

2010 March Route.  How I wish I was here!

And yet, we are all aware of how much we DO need a political voice.  We read of updates where gay people are arrested in raids as prostitutes merely for having a condom in their possession.  Or of how one's sexuality is too quickly used to judge one's capacity to work, or be a functional member of a family.    The Catholic Bishops' Conference in the Philippines (or as it is more known as, the CBCP) proclaims condoms as a cause of cancer, and refers to 'active homosexuals" as having "victims" as if we were all sexual predators.  Not to mention the undocumented numerous cases of bullying.  Of beatings.  Of all these many forms of discrimination.

Things need to change.
And we need to do our part.

The March to the very least shows we are not afraid.

So I challenge you gay guys out there in Manila.    Stop being content with hiding.    Stop thinking you aren't part of something bigger.   Take that step.  Join the March.

Make a difference.
Be represented by being there to represent yourself.

We can fill the world with rainbows.
We can help make it a better place.

---
thanks to my partner Rocky for most of the pictures of last year's Pride March.
I promise, 2011, I will do all I can to be with you when we attend it.

Are you REALLY worth it?

An interesting question was raised to me earlier while I was at my favorite haunt regarding relationships.   I showed up to hang with my friends when out of the blue, someone who I have only begun to know as a friend threw me an interesting query:

How does one know when someone is worth it?

It seemed like a strange thing to ask, given we were at O bar enjoying our drinks while dancing to Kylie, Duffy and other wonderful singers.  The mood, though muddled a bit by a pair of horrendous monkeys who were practically dry humping on the stage, was far from serious and the drinks were still in their infancy.  I considered the fact that it may have been a question that had been nagging the said person's mind and he may have opted to ask me for my opinion given he knew me to be both old and much more introspective about things.

I repeated the question aloud and thought about it for a moment.  After all, the question had much more weight than one would expect.  Is a person's "worth", for example, something that another person has the right to determine?  Would factors such as occupation, personal wealth, good breeding, eloquence of speech and courage to come out be valid standards to forge the proper measure of a gay man?  Would judging another based on such color one as being materialistic?  Or a bigot?  Or even elitist?

We've all found ourselves at one point or another questioning our
own self-worth because of how another abused our trust and love.

Deciding it was best to get a better picture of why the question was asked, I prodded for more information and soon it became clear based on his answers why the question came to mind.  In brief, the guy had sacrificed numerous things for the other, thinking the other guy was a sure candidate for a long-term relationship, only to be rebuffed with a statement about not "wanting to be tied down" and then countered with accusations of flirting around with others and the like.   While I decided to tip-toe away from the dangerous quest of knowing whether the accusations or complaints were valid, I realized the specifics of why he asked the question were irrelevant to how I ultimately would answer the question.   And my answer was this:

The question of whether a person one likes is worth the effort or not is a question only the person involved can honestly answer.  

While other people may have opinions, informed or not, about the other, the person involved remains the sole holder of the right to decide if the other is worth his time.

Take for instance a couple where one is a wealthy, well-connected man of high profile status.  The man may be raking in thousands per week, driving the best car money can buy, and practically be a celebrity in his field of practice.  Some (and most of the time these would be parents or titos and titas) would say such a person is a great catch! That someone who is that successful is worth it, no matter how he is as a person.  For some, such a person can even be a habitual liar who sleeps around with total strangers, or a manipulative bastard who brainwashes his friends to like him by bribing them with gallant displays of generosity.  The idea that he's successful is worth those "tiny" problems.

On the other hand, imagine if one of the people in the couple happens to be a man who proclaims himself some kind of modern day hippie, despising work and relishing on spending his days doing practically nothing under the guise of searching for artistic perfection.  The lazy slob might automatically be deemed as worthless by others who think the fact he doesn't earn his keep makes him less of a man.  

But sometimes, such a strange mix can still work.  Sometimes, the unfaithful bastard in the first example might simply have psychological issues that the other understands and accepts.   Or sometimes, the sloth in the second example might truly be fantastically creative when the moment hits him and his partner embraces that probability and waits with him for that moment.

It takes two.  Two people who sleep around freely in a real open-relationship would work.
But one doing so, while the other has no idea or is kept from doing the same... that's doomed to fail.

Are these relationships doomed to fail?  Are they bound to work?

Maybe.  The only ones who can really answer that are those involved, if you ask me.  Yes, maybe they can be abusive.  Maybe they can be unfair.  But if the people involved ultimately are happy, then they deserve that happiness, as twisted and inappropriate as others might deem it.  Hey, come on, think about it.  We are gay.   We are in same-sex relationships.  A majority of the people of the world already deem us immorally inappropriate and biologically wrong.  

Does that make the relationship worth it, though?  Does that make it worth the pain?  The anguish?  The self-doubt?

Maybe.

Be honest.  

But while ideals are far from typical, I personally believe that one should always strive to at least reach for them.  And in a relationship, the ideals I uphold are those of Trust, Sensitivity, Patience and Responsibility.

In a relationship that is worth it, I believe both couples strive to maintain an ever present existence of trust with one another.  Trust after all, once broken, can take quite much more time than expected to heal.  And worse, many mistake a "bahala attitude" as trust.    Sensitivity, on the other hand, when present already reduces the presence of infidelity, selfishness and shallowness.  When one learns to hold one's partner's feelings in mind, one remains conscious of things that may strain the other's trust and patience.  A sensitive person would never hit on someone else, because that person knows such an act can be painful to the other.  A sensitive person would never claim to be okay with something, then complain about it once the other actually does it.  Patience is the glue that strengthens the three.  When one is patient in a relationship, one embraces the fact that no matter how close and wonderful two are together, one accepts the truth that they are still two different people.  And two different people may have differences in opinions, interests, or taste.   One learns to respect the needs of another, but, guided by sensitivity and empowered by trust, knows that such time will not be abused to the point it leaves the other feeling dejected or unwanted.   And lastly, Responsibility.  Knowing what resources exist in the relationship, from the material (cash) to the immaterial (time) and understanding that one has to treat such things with a much more mature perspective.  Many who simply "do what they want since no one is complaining" fail to realize how irresponsible they are.  Such people try to throw the blame on the other for not "telling them to stop" as if they were not given the brains to realize how abusive they are getting.

(I posted about this here too, for those who haven't read it.)

And with those said, we return to the question:

How does one know when someone is worth it?

I think ultimately we all can try to assume someone is for an unspecified period of time.  When we find someone we like, or feel we have a connection to, we decide, "Yes this person is worth it" for a period of time.  Ironically, this period of time tends to be the time we are merely getting to know someone more.  During this period, we cancel plans to make time for the other.  Or cancel purchases to treat the other out somewhere we like.  Many make the mistake of putting their best "show" forward, rather than being themselves, thinking it would be better to "win someone over" by showing them an "ideal" rather than to let someone get to know them as them and face the consequences.    But I personally don't think there's anything wrong with assuming someone is worth it this early.

In fact, I think ultimately, we never know for absolute certain if someone is worth it.  We can only assume.  Or rather, to be more accurate, we can believe the other is.

When we find someone we feel is worth it, we make a leap of faith.  We trust in something that doesn't exist.  We give that someone a chance to show us otherwise.  And sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes, we give more chances.  Sometimes, we give up.  Too soon.   Too late.

But we believe.

And that is a belief no one can tell us is wrong.  Because as individuals we have the right to make such decisions.   What we should never do, however, is blame the other for choosing to believe.    (We can always, however, curse them for lying if they do.)  And if we find someone who deserves us, it won't be hard to see how they too took that chance and believed in us.

And reached for the same ideals you had.

Leaping ain't too hard if you know you're both doing it for each other.

There is no harm in loving.  No harm in caring.  No harm in believing.
But if that trust is shattered, that sensitivity is trampled on, that patience is broken, and that sense of responsibility is abused, I only hope that you realize these things and remember:  You deserve better.

And someone out there, deserves you too.