It is not my fault you read my stuff. But clearly, you do.

I guess some people just love to think the world revolves around them.
Even worse.
Some people so desperately want to make others think MY world revolves around them.

Yes, you probably even think Global Warming is because you're too "hot."

I know I can hold very strong opinions about things.  I know some people have found me to be at times a tad too proud or too intellectual about certain aspects of life, gay or otherwise.  I know I can be very vocal about how much I hate this movie, or how much I found that politician to be abusive, and in many ways I make no apologies for that.  Perhaps me choosing to see sleeping-around-with-every-possible-hot-guy as an idiotic and disgusting lifestyle rubs off the wrong way towards some people.  For certain my having no love or understanding for people who devote their lives in the pursuit of spending someone else's hard-earned cash has not won me awards in the eyes of many others.

As they say in Filipino, "Bato bato sa langit..."

I can have blog posts about how pathetic a movie remake was and have the same passionate anger towards how I overheard a certain couple is having a guest over and that guest happens to be a "FUCK YOU" to certain people... and to mock these people further, create a profile pic of them together.   When I share my opinion, I don't hide it behind a facade of friendliness or disguise it under a clearly false attempt at looking classy.  Class isn't purchased with francs, I'm afraid.  Neither is respect.

That big?

But what amuses me the most is how for some people, EVERYTHING I post is supposedly about them.  And worse, the same said people post self-affirming delusions in hopes of counter-acting my blog or status update posts.    I don't even have those people as contacts in my social networks.  I never even shared to those people my blog addresses.  But somehow, every now and then, a little bird (also known as mutual contacts I shall, for their sake, leave unnamed) whispers to me about how "Mr. Gollum got insulted by your post about him."  Or how "Mrs. Leech is really angry right now, so hope you don't bump into the bitch."   And when these little whispers reach me, I find myself many times wondering, "What?!?" because those said people aren't even part of my daily notice.  Heck, they aren't even part of my weekly notice.


But clearly, they would like to be.
And that amuses me.


I once posted out of frustration a status update about how admitting guilt is the first step to properly asking forgiveness.  Pretty general post, I felt.   My rant was directed at some political-religious issue which you may have heard of:  how the Church admitted they were hiding pedophiles, and recommending nuns that got pregnant should get abortions.  It didn't take long before another little bird came a chirping.

"Tweet tweet"   But I don't use Twitter.

"Tobie, XXX is angry.  Why don't you just let it slide?"


I shot back a message, "What? What are you talking about?"


"Let it slide.  XXX has moved on already.  You should do the same."


Once again, XXX thinks it was all about him.  And worse, got even his own friends to think I was writing about him.    Oooookay.  Someone needs to take a chill pill.  Better yet, stuff one down his throat.

Supposedly there are hordes of people who hate my guts, even if they never heard bad stuff about me from you.
So these people just happen to think I'm an asshole and they all happen to be your friends.   Suuuuuure.

Another time, I got a message from a concerned friend who decided to contact me because YYY was bemoaning how my posts ruined his day.  The friend asked me why I felt I had to say such things about YYY and how YYY was "stopping his friends" from confronting me.  I blinked my eyes a few times to confirm I wasn't dreaming, then asked the concerned friend, "YYY thinks my posts are about him?  Why the hell would I even care to make YYY part of my blog.  Do people normally keep shit in their photo albums?"  Concerned friend tried not to laugh but perhaps in a misguided attempt to be constructive suggested, "Maybe you should just think about your updates, how they might be misconstrued to be about YYY and rewrite them if need be?"


I was aghast.  I felt insulted.
I posted a status post in reply.


"I will not censor myself for the paranoia of others."


Why should I?  Why should the pathetic paranoia of someone who doesn't even matter my life dictate how I write my updates?  Why should I stop writing about how certain things like infidelity, insensitivity, selfishness, lies, self-centeredness, and many others are things I hate just because some people out there are clearly feeling guilty of such things, are getting emotionally affected by them, and somehow think their silent admission of being guilty as charged in this hierarchy of sins allows them to spin their friends around to painting me as a bad guy... when all I am doing is actually just saying what I think in general.

Don't hate me for being happy.
Take steps to get better.

Do I have to get to the point where I be more honest to get my point across?  About how some of these friends don't realize how they get badmouthed by the same person they defend?  Or how some have been explained away as having "mental issues" as a reason they aren't voicing out any complaints about certain lifestyles?  If my posts and updates were seeking to accomplish dirt-digging blind items, by God I have many I can choose to say.  But again, that's would have been assuming those people mattered at all.   I don't care if others choose to live their lives in their perfectly woven web of lies, spinning their own friends around with layers of well-constructed manipulations to get what they want.  That their life.

You don't want me to blog about you.  

But no, no one gets to tell me I cannot voice out how disgusted I am of that kind of a lifestyle.  Just as no one gets to tell another person that he has no right hating rap music.  Or that you cannot say in your own blog how much you think Twilight was stupid and seems to promote an unhealthy lifestyle.  No one gets to tell me to censor myself just because the things I hate happen to be the lifestyle he or she proudly leads.   Anyone can freely have their own opinions about the same things.  They can love being the kabit for all I care.  They can celebrate having cash cows they can habitually milk cash out from.  They can even have a fireworks filled fucking parade for all I care to commemorate stabbing your friends in the back and sleeping with people they cared about.  That's your life.  If you're happy living in that kind of shit, then good for you.  It is the happiness YOU deserve.


You don't get to ask me to shut up for being in such a better place.

No need to say it.

I was tempted to end this blog with the song from Lady Carly.  But I decided that there was no need.
I already know you do.   You know who you are, reading this blog and already making more buzzing about how I've "once again" blogged about you.   


And the most amusing thing?  You aren't alone.  There's at least two of you who somehow live in this delusion that my blog posts are about "you specifically" and yet there's at least two of you who make that claim.


I hope you all realize someday how sad that is.

Theorgy. And Why I Blog.

My partner alerted me to an upcoming gay blogger event called Theorgy which has definitely perked my interest.  The idea is to have numerous gay bloggers write on a specific topic on a specific day, with September one being devoted to the topic of Coming Out.

Could this be the start of a good thing?
I hope so.

The term Theorgy sounds like a play with words to me:  Theory being merged with Orgy.   The idea seems to do suggest that it is about a group of people doing a sharing of views and perhaps a study of beliefs and opinions.  The word play is quite quaint and it does grab attention.

I feel happy to see that there is movement in having gay blogs contain more than the usual mix of nearly naked men, sexual escapades, fashion, rumor or blind item controversies, or porn reviews.  While I will admit to having my own share of interests in such things, I will state a part of me really hopes to find more gay blogs that discuss topics beyond the usual nsfw variety.

Jakey agrees.  Can't always just be about his body, right?

Being gay, after all, is a much more colorful experience than just sex, naked men, and rumors of who is and isn't still in the closet.  While I have been blogging for many years, I only started blogging about my gay life after realizing that I did want to have one which reflected on such topics more freely.  My current blog is already overly cluttered with posts on role playing games, daily grind rants, geekgasms on upcoming movies and games, and the like.  Blame it on the rain, bro became my outlet to discuss things which definitely reflected more of my gay life and clearly that was more than just sex.

Yep.  Too many people ignoring their brains and using their dicks to do the thinking.
Others don't even bother trying to think.

I wonder though why many seem to limit their gay experience to be the sexual kind.  While I understand that it is sex, sexual interest, and gender identity that defines one to be gay, I would not like to think that everything else in the world then becomes default straight.  My partner cautioned me though in believing that there aren't any such blogs out there.  Many, he shared, did exist must most have gone inactive in as the years gone by.

Oh dead blogs.  I hardly knew you.

I wonder if others out there would like to try to help make the presence of such blogs more known.

I've tried reading some of the gay friendly local blogs that I have heard of and some didn't quite rub me the right way.  I wasn't too happy to see blogs that seemed to view the idea of infidelity or fooling around with married men as "an exciting moment" in one's life.  I didn't quite agree with other blogs that suggested wearing branded clothes was the standard which defined a gay man as having class or not.  I was literally turned off by  blogs that seemed devoted to spreading rumors, accusing others of being closeted and celebrating the (what I feel is an abusive) art of blind items.

Why not more gay blogs that talk about life beyond the waistband and lubricated anus?  Why not blogs that reflect we can love sports beyond the muscular guys who wear them tiny shorts?  Why not blogs that talk about how cooking became an icebreaker on how they reached out to their parents and regained acceptance?   Or how being HIV positive opened one's eyes to living a much more positive and appreciative life?   Lots of gay friends I know lead colorful, challenging, and over all interesting lives.  Why can we not celebrate these lives more in our blogs?

Maybe if Will and Grace did this more often, the show would have had a stronger
staying power for today's gay audience?

In many ways I feel the kind of blogs out there nicely reflect the kind of gay friendly shows we finally have access to as well.  Years back, beautifully written shows like Will and Grace showed us that a gay man can be very multifaceted.  Will stood out in contrast to his friend Jack, yet both got along campily well in many other ways.  But then came shows like Queer as Folk and Dante's Cove which seemed to focus more on the sexual energy and abusive relationships that also existed in gay couplings.  It doesn't come as a surprise that a lot of people love the shows, but it does make me worry how many still have the misconception that a gay lifestyle is limited to that kind of a life.   I am still hoping for more people to learn of shows like Torchwood and Modern Family to see that being gay can go much further than just being a guy who loves to sleep around and can't keep their dick in their pants.  Sadly, even a very well executed and written show like Glee still seems lacking in the gay =/= sex department.  I have yet to really see from Curt see more than his right to have feelings for Finn.  I would have liked Curt to be mature enough to understand that Finn does also deserve to have his own personal space.

Oh no, I dissed Curt.  I wonder if that's Hate Mail I hear coming?
Oh Curt can't wait to see me suffer for dissing him.

In a way, the feeling that the world needs to see more gay blogs that aren't obsessing over other's men's genitalia will be a huge source of momentum for me in keeping this blog going.  I wouldn't like people who aren't blessed with the joy of having gay friends to find nothing but meat, meat, meat, and more meat online when they chance upon a gay friendly site.  I think keeping this blog alive would be my part in helping show that the gay experience is far more than just a change of pussycats with roosters.

In can be a whole lot more colorful than they can ever dream.

Shouldn't we then do what we can to help them see that?

Should I stay or should I go

My partner and I have been together for nearly a full year now.

And yet, I have been in the closet for more than thirty years.

It is strange how even with all the progress we have achieved in so far as gender issues are concerned, the fear of disappointing one's parents and being disowned still has its sting.   I had always believed myself to be a brave soul.  I have faced many of my fears before and survived them.  I have even faced the threat of ridicule and embarrassment before masses of people.  And yet here I am, nearing another birthday, and still worried if I will ever be able to face my parents head on and tell them, "Mom, Dad.  There is something I want you to know.  Your son is gay."

It isn't even about me worrying about no longer being taken care of.  For many years I have been self-sufficient, surviving on my meager earnings and balancing out my budget on my own.

I would like to believe it isn't about being disowned, because part of me believes I have already found the other person who completes me.   But I guess deep down, I do fear being told that I can no longer consider myself part of the family.  Call me a wuss, but family attachments are important.  And deep down, I love my family and have no dreams of being labelled a stranger by them.

These are the kind of conflicting thoughts that I find myself going through which I realize I cannot even blog about unless I created a blog separate from my own profile.   I needed an outlet where I could discuss these kind of topics freely.  A place where I can proclaim, "Yes, there are bisexuals who aren't just in a phase.  Not all of us bisexuals are just too scared to claim we're gay."  A box where I can stand up and share my own experiences and views to an audience without being insensitive to my parents who aren't aware yet that I'm not straight.

My partner, who has been very open about his sexuality, once commented that so many of the gay blogs he used to read have suddenly vanished.  Of the few that do remain, some are wonderful sites talking about gay life, while others seem more determined to simply propagate the idea that gay people want nothing but sex and buff bodies and penises.

And so, this blog was born.


I'm no fashionista.  I'm not a fan of Miss Universe.  I don't like cross dressing and I can't name Mariah Carey songs by title.  I don't think Madonna is a goddess nor do I know all musicals at heart.   But I do have my own share of geekiness and my own opinions to share.   I don't even find the typical hairless muscle-bodied pretty boys attractive (I prefer men with meat).  So will this blog be smart, witty, or worth the time to read?

I guess only time will tell for certain.

But if you don't like what end up reading, either drop me a comment or just blame it on the rain, bro.