Jakey, if this is you, do more!

Chances that this pic is a photoshopped one?  Huge.

Likelihood I care?  None.

But unlike other blogs though that scream at people who raise the fact many pics are photoshopped fakies, I prefer if people openly talk about whether or not something is photoshopped, and actually WATCH the said movie the supposed naked screencap was taken from to see for sure.   Cause I know I saw that particular David Boreneaz  and I know he did strip down but never "flashed himself while holding a spent condom."

Truth matters.

Fantasties, while fun, are best informed ones.

It is not my fault you read my stuff. But clearly, you do.

I guess some people just love to think the world revolves around them.
Even worse.
Some people so desperately want to make others think MY world revolves around them.

Yes, you probably even think Global Warming is because you're too "hot."

I know I can hold very strong opinions about things.  I know some people have found me to be at times a tad too proud or too intellectual about certain aspects of life, gay or otherwise.  I know I can be very vocal about how much I hate this movie, or how much I found that politician to be abusive, and in many ways I make no apologies for that.  Perhaps me choosing to see sleeping-around-with-every-possible-hot-guy as an idiotic and disgusting lifestyle rubs off the wrong way towards some people.  For certain my having no love or understanding for people who devote their lives in the pursuit of spending someone else's hard-earned cash has not won me awards in the eyes of many others.

As they say in Filipino, "Bato bato sa langit..."

I can have blog posts about how pathetic a movie remake was and have the same passionate anger towards how I overheard a certain couple is having a guest over and that guest happens to be a "FUCK YOU" to certain people... and to mock these people further, create a profile pic of them together.   When I share my opinion, I don't hide it behind a facade of friendliness or disguise it under a clearly false attempt at looking classy.  Class isn't purchased with francs, I'm afraid.  Neither is respect.

That big?

But what amuses me the most is how for some people, EVERYTHING I post is supposedly about them.  And worse, the same said people post self-affirming delusions in hopes of counter-acting my blog or status update posts.    I don't even have those people as contacts in my social networks.  I never even shared to those people my blog addresses.  But somehow, every now and then, a little bird (also known as mutual contacts I shall, for their sake, leave unnamed) whispers to me about how "Mr. Gollum got insulted by your post about him."  Or how "Mrs. Leech is really angry right now, so hope you don't bump into the bitch."   And when these little whispers reach me, I find myself many times wondering, "What?!?" because those said people aren't even part of my daily notice.  Heck, they aren't even part of my weekly notice.


But clearly, they would like to be.
And that amuses me.


I once posted out of frustration a status update about how admitting guilt is the first step to properly asking forgiveness.  Pretty general post, I felt.   My rant was directed at some political-religious issue which you may have heard of:  how the Church admitted they were hiding pedophiles, and recommending nuns that got pregnant should get abortions.  It didn't take long before another little bird came a chirping.

"Tweet tweet"   But I don't use Twitter.

"Tobie, XXX is angry.  Why don't you just let it slide?"


I shot back a message, "What? What are you talking about?"


"Let it slide.  XXX has moved on already.  You should do the same."


Once again, XXX thinks it was all about him.  And worse, got even his own friends to think I was writing about him.    Oooookay.  Someone needs to take a chill pill.  Better yet, stuff one down his throat.

Supposedly there are hordes of people who hate my guts, even if they never heard bad stuff about me from you.
So these people just happen to think I'm an asshole and they all happen to be your friends.   Suuuuuure.

Another time, I got a message from a concerned friend who decided to contact me because YYY was bemoaning how my posts ruined his day.  The friend asked me why I felt I had to say such things about YYY and how YYY was "stopping his friends" from confronting me.  I blinked my eyes a few times to confirm I wasn't dreaming, then asked the concerned friend, "YYY thinks my posts are about him?  Why the hell would I even care to make YYY part of my blog.  Do people normally keep shit in their photo albums?"  Concerned friend tried not to laugh but perhaps in a misguided attempt to be constructive suggested, "Maybe you should just think about your updates, how they might be misconstrued to be about YYY and rewrite them if need be?"


I was aghast.  I felt insulted.
I posted a status post in reply.


"I will not censor myself for the paranoia of others."


Why should I?  Why should the pathetic paranoia of someone who doesn't even matter my life dictate how I write my updates?  Why should I stop writing about how certain things like infidelity, insensitivity, selfishness, lies, self-centeredness, and many others are things I hate just because some people out there are clearly feeling guilty of such things, are getting emotionally affected by them, and somehow think their silent admission of being guilty as charged in this hierarchy of sins allows them to spin their friends around to painting me as a bad guy... when all I am doing is actually just saying what I think in general.

Don't hate me for being happy.
Take steps to get better.

Do I have to get to the point where I be more honest to get my point across?  About how some of these friends don't realize how they get badmouthed by the same person they defend?  Or how some have been explained away as having "mental issues" as a reason they aren't voicing out any complaints about certain lifestyles?  If my posts and updates were seeking to accomplish dirt-digging blind items, by God I have many I can choose to say.  But again, that's would have been assuming those people mattered at all.   I don't care if others choose to live their lives in their perfectly woven web of lies, spinning their own friends around with layers of well-constructed manipulations to get what they want.  That their life.

You don't want me to blog about you.  

But no, no one gets to tell me I cannot voice out how disgusted I am of that kind of a lifestyle.  Just as no one gets to tell another person that he has no right hating rap music.  Or that you cannot say in your own blog how much you think Twilight was stupid and seems to promote an unhealthy lifestyle.  No one gets to tell me to censor myself just because the things I hate happen to be the lifestyle he or she proudly leads.   Anyone can freely have their own opinions about the same things.  They can love being the kabit for all I care.  They can celebrate having cash cows they can habitually milk cash out from.  They can even have a fireworks filled fucking parade for all I care to commemorate stabbing your friends in the back and sleeping with people they cared about.  That's your life.  If you're happy living in that kind of shit, then good for you.  It is the happiness YOU deserve.


You don't get to ask me to shut up for being in such a better place.

No need to say it.

I was tempted to end this blog with the song from Lady Carly.  But I decided that there was no need.
I already know you do.   You know who you are, reading this blog and already making more buzzing about how I've "once again" blogged about you.   


And the most amusing thing?  You aren't alone.  There's at least two of you who somehow live in this delusion that my blog posts are about "you specifically" and yet there's at least two of you who make that claim.


I hope you all realize someday how sad that is.

I'm Sorry You Are Stuck With... Him.

Love, they say, means never having to say you are sorry.


Personally, I think that is one of the most idiotic and selfish ways to view love.  That ranks pretty high up there, almost equal to the idea that in love, the other person has to accept you as who you are with not a single change required at all.

And that's why you're lonely.
Or why others pity your partner.

What a huge steaming pot of cow offal these adages are!

First of all, even if you are in a loving, honest and responsible relationship, if you in any way mess up or do something wrong, then by the powers that be you better fess up and apologize to your partner.  It does not matter if your partner is socially-inept, image-conscious, uneducated, weathly-rich-spoiled, uglier than your penis warts or more beautiful than the love child of Papa P and whoever becomes his Mama, if you do something that insults him, abuses his trust, makes him look stupid, wastes his time, or worse, plays with his heart, then apologize for your lack of actual intelligence in doing it.  The act of realizing and accepting one's guilt and role in a mistake is crucial in a proper relationship to work.  So you woke up late to show up at a date?  Apologize!  Fess up as to why you did not sleep earlier and be man enough to say you are sorry.    Or maybe you somehow started a small white lie, like claimed to call your partner open-minded enough to let you fuck around, and now the lie has reached his ears and the world can see he never really saw things that way... would you really have the gall to believe you had every right to do what you wanted because in a relationship, the man you claim to love and have labelled an idiot to all your conquests should accept you as who you are?

Or rather, as WHAT you are?

Because if you are going to act like a self-centered manipulative bastard, your partner has every right to punch your lights out and call you exactly what you are.

If you are guilty, you better admit you are.
Only then does a "Sorry" really have worth.

Many counter that love requires compromise.  This is true.  But the sad thing about this truth is many stretch it too far into realms beyond actual compromise.  For example, compromise is cutting down on going out since your partner wants to stay home on some nights.   Compromise is smoking outside the house since your partner is asthmatic.  Compromise is not owning a pet since your partner is actually phobic to the said animal.

Those are proper compromises.  Those are compromises that happen in a relationship where communication actually happens.

"I thought you were just living with your ex... oh."

Compromise is not sleeping with anyone you want to since the other has never complained about it.    Compromise is not letting your partner sleep around because you are afraid to complain and mess things up and end up living life alone.  Compromise is not giving up on your hobby or dreams because your money is needed to pay your partner's extracurricular needs.  Especially when those needs are fickle expenses that he should, had he had any real-male balls between his thighs and actual contents where his brain should be, be responsible enough to curb if he can't afford on his own.

Admittedly, many people have dreams of living a carefree life.   Marry rich and die happy, they say.  Find a wealthy foreigner to foot your bills for the rest of your life.  Better yet, make sure you find someone who is afraid to be left alone.  In the straight side of things, this was very prevalent towards women.  Find a handsome rich man.  It doesn't matter if you don't really like him, you will be happy with him.  He has money. Get pregnant before he escapes.  Horrible.  Simply horrible.  Did these parents ever realize they were telling their own daughters to give up being people and just sell their vaginas to the closest man with a hefty wallet?

Makes me wanna Expose, Educate, Inspire people who think they're already perfect.
Perfectly messed up and selfish, if you ask me.

And strangely, many gay guys have embraced the very same idea.    They want to live Eat-Pray-Whatever the Fuck that book is called lives where they splurge money needlessly on quests to find themselves when their real problems were issues with them not being honest to themselves.    And before you even try to peg it on me, I have nothing against rich people or foreigners.   I do have huge issues with gold diggers.  Especially those who believe they DESERVE the other person's hard earned money.

Does he know you measure him based on his monetary worth?

A relationship requires a real sense of balance.  
And understandably, how that is defined differs from couple to couple.  I know of long term couples that have opened their doors to having sex with others.  The beauty of this?  Full disclosure.  No lies about being single to net the next cutie.  No slanderous excuses given to explain away the "room mate."  Real open relations where one tells dated guy he is actually in a relationship but the partner is open to the idea.  And the partner himself does the same thing.  Equity.  Balance.

Some how, that seems so hard to accept for most people.
So they do what is easier.  They lie.  They invent.  They tell their loved ones how special they are, then ask for money to go out and find someone new to fuck.  And that someone later on will have to discover to his horror  his hook up happens to be taken.  And the loved one learns as far as the hook up was concerned, he didn't exist... well until shit hit the fan.  So many lies.  Layer and layer that when sprung, can destroy trust that took years to earn.   That can destroy all the joyful memories that were built through the months.  Or years.

Why are you so afraid to be yourself?

It makes me wonder why bother lying?
Why not be honest to your partner?  Why not admit your needs?  Or insecurities?  Or fears?  Why not work though everything AS a couple?  After all, that is what you want to be right?  A couple?

Love is means you say sorry.  But most of the time, you won't really have to.
Well, you won't if you are doing your part.

Love fuels a relationship, after all.
And if you're not really doing your share to keeping a relationship running...

The best liars are the ones who believe their own lies.

.. you are not in Love.
So just admit it.
Don't add another layer to the lies you might already struggle to hide.

Again, Kylie speaks volumes of this.

Be honest from the start.
Full disclosure.  Better, after all, as Kylie said the devil you know.
And you will see how easy it becomes to be sensitive and true to one another.

But even French Fries deserve to be happy.
The birds though, they should learn to be content.

Saying sorry becomes a rare event.
Because there are fewer times you will ever need to say it.

I'm Better than I've Ever Been. Can you say the same?

Christmas has just zoomed passed us and in a few more days 2010 will be bidding us farewell.  Who would have thought time can move so quickly when you are having this much fun.  To be honest, I still find myself at times pinching myself to make sure I'm not caught in a dream or lost in some food-induced ecstatic vision.  The number of things that I had accomplished in this year alone are quite overwhelming, to be honest.  It was almost as if I had been stagnating for so long and had never really noticed it.

Merry Christmas from us!

But I guess life is really like that.  There are the ups and downs, the zig zags and the u-turns, the humps and the rapid roads that fast-track us through what we are meant to experience.  There are the scenic routes and the dumpy boring ones.  There are the long agonizing treks that move past galleries of regrets and frustrations.  And there are the wonderful stop overs that are there to remind you, "Hey you deserve this!" that quietly then hitch along for a ride as you go through your life.

Life is like Inception.
Confusing.

Let's face it:  Life can be challenging enough as it is.   From academic to economic expectations, dealing with the pressures of school and work are already a lot for some people.   Add to that the pressures from siblings, friends, and parents who all (well, at least the real ones) really just want was is best for you.    Then finally, add the delicate act of sharing and yet respecting boundaries that is necessary for a relationship to remain healthy and not dip into either obsession or abuse.  Life is pretty challenging enough as it is.

Add to that the discrimination from both others and one's peers for being gay.
And for being a geek.

Trust me, you guys have it easier :-P

And trust me, it can be a far greater challenge than most would expect.

But in many ways, this never-ending challenge of embracing one's true self, and celebrating it with the world, is what makes life worth living.  It is only when one is able to say, "Hey, look!  This is me and I love being me!" can one start to honestly consider finding that special someone else whom one can share one's life with.  Cause one has to be very careful out there.  There are a lot of predators, users, and abusers out there who would not really feel any moral obligation to care about how easily they manipulate your naïveté to their advantage.   A large part of knowing how to avoid such people is to learn to trust yourself first and to love yourself for who you are.   Once you do, the adage like-attracts-like easily comes into play and before you know it, you will find someone who "gets" you as much as you "get" him too.

Really.  No.  Don't go there.

So yes, 2011 is inching its way closer with barely a week left of time remaining.  Lots of people talk about having a "resolution" this new year.  Others mumble about trying to accomplish a list of goals.  Me?  I think what would be best is to review one's life and consider what one has done to be both oneself and at the same time an even better version of oneself.    Others might be content to judge the joy in the lives by the branded things they buy, or the free trips out-of-town they connive out of others... don't mislead yourself into thinking they have it "better".  After all, all they've done is measure the quality of their lives on financial means.  Celebrate being you and celebrating always becoming even a better you each and every single day!

Year of the Rabbit is coming up!

Here's to another year filled with real rainbows that color the sky!

*Thanks to my partner Rocky for some of the pictures!

---

George Washington
Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. It is better be alone than in bad company.

Are you REALLY worth it?

An interesting question was raised to me earlier while I was at my favorite haunt regarding relationships.   I showed up to hang with my friends when out of the blue, someone who I have only begun to know as a friend threw me an interesting query:

How does one know when someone is worth it?

It seemed like a strange thing to ask, given we were at O bar enjoying our drinks while dancing to Kylie, Duffy and other wonderful singers.  The mood, though muddled a bit by a pair of horrendous monkeys who were practically dry humping on the stage, was far from serious and the drinks were still in their infancy.  I considered the fact that it may have been a question that had been nagging the said person's mind and he may have opted to ask me for my opinion given he knew me to be both old and much more introspective about things.

I repeated the question aloud and thought about it for a moment.  After all, the question had much more weight than one would expect.  Is a person's "worth", for example, something that another person has the right to determine?  Would factors such as occupation, personal wealth, good breeding, eloquence of speech and courage to come out be valid standards to forge the proper measure of a gay man?  Would judging another based on such color one as being materialistic?  Or a bigot?  Or even elitist?

We've all found ourselves at one point or another questioning our
own self-worth because of how another abused our trust and love.

Deciding it was best to get a better picture of why the question was asked, I prodded for more information and soon it became clear based on his answers why the question came to mind.  In brief, the guy had sacrificed numerous things for the other, thinking the other guy was a sure candidate for a long-term relationship, only to be rebuffed with a statement about not "wanting to be tied down" and then countered with accusations of flirting around with others and the like.   While I decided to tip-toe away from the dangerous quest of knowing whether the accusations or complaints were valid, I realized the specifics of why he asked the question were irrelevant to how I ultimately would answer the question.   And my answer was this:

The question of whether a person one likes is worth the effort or not is a question only the person involved can honestly answer.  

While other people may have opinions, informed or not, about the other, the person involved remains the sole holder of the right to decide if the other is worth his time.

Take for instance a couple where one is a wealthy, well-connected man of high profile status.  The man may be raking in thousands per week, driving the best car money can buy, and practically be a celebrity in his field of practice.  Some (and most of the time these would be parents or titos and titas) would say such a person is a great catch! That someone who is that successful is worth it, no matter how he is as a person.  For some, such a person can even be a habitual liar who sleeps around with total strangers, or a manipulative bastard who brainwashes his friends to like him by bribing them with gallant displays of generosity.  The idea that he's successful is worth those "tiny" problems.

On the other hand, imagine if one of the people in the couple happens to be a man who proclaims himself some kind of modern day hippie, despising work and relishing on spending his days doing practically nothing under the guise of searching for artistic perfection.  The lazy slob might automatically be deemed as worthless by others who think the fact he doesn't earn his keep makes him less of a man.  

But sometimes, such a strange mix can still work.  Sometimes, the unfaithful bastard in the first example might simply have psychological issues that the other understands and accepts.   Or sometimes, the sloth in the second example might truly be fantastically creative when the moment hits him and his partner embraces that probability and waits with him for that moment.

It takes two.  Two people who sleep around freely in a real open-relationship would work.
But one doing so, while the other has no idea or is kept from doing the same... that's doomed to fail.

Are these relationships doomed to fail?  Are they bound to work?

Maybe.  The only ones who can really answer that are those involved, if you ask me.  Yes, maybe they can be abusive.  Maybe they can be unfair.  But if the people involved ultimately are happy, then they deserve that happiness, as twisted and inappropriate as others might deem it.  Hey, come on, think about it.  We are gay.   We are in same-sex relationships.  A majority of the people of the world already deem us immorally inappropriate and biologically wrong.  

Does that make the relationship worth it, though?  Does that make it worth the pain?  The anguish?  The self-doubt?

Maybe.

Be honest.  

But while ideals are far from typical, I personally believe that one should always strive to at least reach for them.  And in a relationship, the ideals I uphold are those of Trust, Sensitivity, Patience and Responsibility.

In a relationship that is worth it, I believe both couples strive to maintain an ever present existence of trust with one another.  Trust after all, once broken, can take quite much more time than expected to heal.  And worse, many mistake a "bahala attitude" as trust.    Sensitivity, on the other hand, when present already reduces the presence of infidelity, selfishness and shallowness.  When one learns to hold one's partner's feelings in mind, one remains conscious of things that may strain the other's trust and patience.  A sensitive person would never hit on someone else, because that person knows such an act can be painful to the other.  A sensitive person would never claim to be okay with something, then complain about it once the other actually does it.  Patience is the glue that strengthens the three.  When one is patient in a relationship, one embraces the fact that no matter how close and wonderful two are together, one accepts the truth that they are still two different people.  And two different people may have differences in opinions, interests, or taste.   One learns to respect the needs of another, but, guided by sensitivity and empowered by trust, knows that such time will not be abused to the point it leaves the other feeling dejected or unwanted.   And lastly, Responsibility.  Knowing what resources exist in the relationship, from the material (cash) to the immaterial (time) and understanding that one has to treat such things with a much more mature perspective.  Many who simply "do what they want since no one is complaining" fail to realize how irresponsible they are.  Such people try to throw the blame on the other for not "telling them to stop" as if they were not given the brains to realize how abusive they are getting.

(I posted about this here too, for those who haven't read it.)

And with those said, we return to the question:

How does one know when someone is worth it?

I think ultimately we all can try to assume someone is for an unspecified period of time.  When we find someone we like, or feel we have a connection to, we decide, "Yes this person is worth it" for a period of time.  Ironically, this period of time tends to be the time we are merely getting to know someone more.  During this period, we cancel plans to make time for the other.  Or cancel purchases to treat the other out somewhere we like.  Many make the mistake of putting their best "show" forward, rather than being themselves, thinking it would be better to "win someone over" by showing them an "ideal" rather than to let someone get to know them as them and face the consequences.    But I personally don't think there's anything wrong with assuming someone is worth it this early.

In fact, I think ultimately, we never know for absolute certain if someone is worth it.  We can only assume.  Or rather, to be more accurate, we can believe the other is.

When we find someone we feel is worth it, we make a leap of faith.  We trust in something that doesn't exist.  We give that someone a chance to show us otherwise.  And sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes, we give more chances.  Sometimes, we give up.  Too soon.   Too late.

But we believe.

And that is a belief no one can tell us is wrong.  Because as individuals we have the right to make such decisions.   What we should never do, however, is blame the other for choosing to believe.    (We can always, however, curse them for lying if they do.)  And if we find someone who deserves us, it won't be hard to see how they too took that chance and believed in us.

And reached for the same ideals you had.

Leaping ain't too hard if you know you're both doing it for each other.

There is no harm in loving.  No harm in caring.  No harm in believing.
But if that trust is shattered, that sensitivity is trampled on, that patience is broken, and that sense of responsibility is abused, I only hope that you realize these things and remember:  You deserve better.

And someone out there, deserves you too.

Reading Between the Updates

The foundations of a relationship can sometimes be gleaned by simply keeping a keen eye on what either of the two seem to celebrate the most.    While a great connection and a rich sex life are both vital to a relationship, one can discern quite easily by glancing at the details what one or the other celebrates the most in their relationship.  It is in such introspections that social media such as Mark Zuckerberg's blue logo monstrosity, Facebook.com, or one's blog can be much more revealing than one expects.

Who needs to worry about losing one's privacy to Facebook
when we're all too willing to already over-share information?

I know of a pair who when I first heard of them was talked about as the perfect sweetest couple EVER.   In many ways, their relationship was deemed to be a prime example of a perfect gay long term relationship.  But then in the scant number of months leading to their break-up, it was quiet evident that all their posts were about themselves and their own INDIVIDUAL celebrations of life.    Updates tended to focus on how one, rather than both, or even at least one talking about the other, enjoyed their day.

"Hit the gym.  Feeling good.  I love today."

"Decided to catch the latest Bond movie.  Should be fun."

"Got a haircut.  Love my new look."

Me.  I.  All about the person and not about them.  All about enjoying life alone.
I couldn't help but wonder when I read them, "Where they not ever together?!?!?"  At one point, the two ate at some Italian restaurant.  Their updates then followed.

"Had delicious pasta today.  Love the food here!"

Came one update.  Okay, so he was enjoying his night... even if it sounded alone.

The other, around the same time, sent this update:

"Bored.   Anxious to go home.  Good food at least."

And again, barely any hint of being together. 

Maybe it was a case of being in the closet.  Or maybe it was a hint that the other wasn't too keen on where they decided to go that night.  But one would have thought the updates would have at least hinted that they were hanging out at the same place.


When things fell south, many were devastated.  To many, it was unthinkable.  How could they have ended such a "perfect" relationship?  I didn't even bat an eyelash.  I could see it a mile away.  They were too happy with their own lives they did not really enjoy sharing it with one another.

Yep, the POKE icon is actually a hidden taunt at what you are.

Another pair I heard of is a stranger mix.  While I don't know them personally, the mutual friends who we share often tell me of what they read in their newsfeed.  Supposedly, the updates that flow have a clear theme.  Travel.  Expensive things.  Costly food.  Outlandish indulgences.  While living a money-landen life is not bad in any way, celebrating them alone does make one wonder:  what is the other doing other than financing all this?    Even worse, all these celebratory posts are to cheer about "they are mine" rather than "we now own this!"  In some ways, I've tried to be more open-minded about such relationships, but deep down I fear the day when the shit hits the fan.  Somehow I already can tell if things go south, "How do we survive this" will come only after the question, "What do I keep?"


Then, there is this pair I know of which loves to play the switcharoo game in their social network updates.  The two are greatly in love and passionately care for one another, but due to personal reasons are openly exploring having sex with other partners.   My feelings on open relationships aside, I am happy that they do at least keep an honest and open flow of communication between them - honestly sharing if they found someone interesting and discussing whether or not it is alright to have fun with the said person or not.  None of the "I'll claim to be single/your ex" manipulations in play.  So their social network updates are tailored to hit the said "market".  I applaud them for their courage in choosing to wade in what I feel is potentially dangerous waters.  The risk of tearing apart trust can be tremendously detrimental to a long term partnership.


I do however pity the poor soul who becomes the victim of their united front.    I can only hope that the poor sod at least is given a clear understanding of what the situation is, and isn't lead on to think he's in a relationship with a single man.

To quote, Sharleen Spiteri and Johnny McElhone,
"You can say what you want, but it won't change my mind, I'll feel the same about you."

And of course there are those who keep their private lives to themselves.  A friend of mine is married and between the two of them, only she had a facebook account.  Her updates are often hilarious, giving an insider glimpse of the industry she works in and she rarely posts actual updates about her husband.   However, on the times that she does, one can easily see the honesty and affection they contain.  No pomp and overly dressed statements that try to make the relationship sound more fantastic than it really is.  Just an honest statement of how well things are between them.

There will always be them liars out there.
Or worse.

Ultimately, people who embrace the idea of having a virtual presence in a social network tend to seek an outlet to share openly things they appreciate and celebrate.  And what these things are can give another a good glimpse of what to expect of the person who wrote those updates.   While it ain't a precise science, I think it wouldn't take a special degree in anything to discern what kind of a guy one would have to be to post affectionate messages aimed anonymously to someone as status messages, when the guy's said partner is clearly someone who supposedly doesn't go online.  Or what to expect from a date with someone whose profile picture still shows him wearing the favorite shirt his ex gave him.   

Sometimes, deny what one wilt, the updates reveal the details indeed.
So if you have a facebook account, well, maybe you ought to take a step back and look at how your updates normally sound.  That may give you a better idea on why some people know you better than you think!

Coming out and its many layers

I used to be content that only my friends knew.

I wasn't your stereotypical son, though.  In the early years, my parents saw me as the strange and irritating child who loved to be loud and act crazy.  I always made faces in family pictures.  I always indulged in horror movies while the rest of the family found them disturbing.  I hated sports.  Though I was active in running, then later tennis, and even much later, swimming, I was the kid who could score a three-point shot while running around the basketball court screaming, "I HATE THIS GAME!"

Yep, stepping out of the closet required image here. 

And I loved Halloween.

Every year I'd host these huge parties, dressing up the separate house where we used to hold the parties with artwork and decor that I'd come up with through the creative use of newspapers, latex paint, crepe paper and  foil.  My Halloween parties were legendary (at least among my friends) and so were my costumes.  From Freddy Kreuger to Giger's Alien, I dressed up in many disturbing costumes and usually even had my own tiny act to accompany it.

My first crush was a girl.  She had the sweetest smile and the deepest blue eyes.  I met her in Bukidnon and I found myself wondering if I'd ever see her again.

But the first person I fell in love with was my best friend.  He and I used to hang out nightly either at the nearby alleyway or at the village park, to stare at the stars, to smoke cigarettes, and to talk about life.  We would talk about our hopes, dreams and fears and we would only stop talking when we felt the dawn creeping close.

My high school years were horrible.  I was starting to realize my sexuality then, after a horrifying moment in gym class when a boner sprung out unexpectedly on me while the rest of my classmates were getting dressed to take a swim.  I locked myself in a dressing chamber and prayed for it to fade away.  The years to follow were filled with me being insulting and cruel to the evidently gay classmates we had.  It wasn't because I was envious of their freedom, as many writers would try to claim.  For me, it was because I could not stomach I was "one of them."

I tried to kill myself a few times after.  Being from a religious family, I didn't want this horrible secret to leak out and taint the family name.   It took three attempts to lash myself, and three "coincidences" happening to stop me for me to wake up to the truth that I wasn't meant to do that.  The last one had a classmate calling me out of nowhere at 3a.m. to tell me he had a dream demanding I needed his help.  That classmate saved my life and even now, I doubt he remembers it ever happened.

Eventually, I told my best friend.  One night on the way home from our usual talks, I threw out the question, "What would you do if I was gay?"  He laughed at the question and though it was absurd.  Before he headed home, I threw out a, "By the way, that question earlier?  I am."  And didn't hear from him for the next day.   The following day, however, he showed up and we were just as we always were.  He told me, "I realized you were still you.  So it shouldn't be a problem."

We're still friends.  He's married and with kids.  But we aren't as much in touch as before anymore.

In college, it was easier to find others to talk to about myself.   But it was harder to make sense of things.  Unlike many who abuse the term, I was an honest-to-goodness bisexual who loved and passionately made love to people, regardless if they were men or women.  In college, there were the loud gays and the quiet secretive ones.  I decided I was more like the quiet ones.

Friends new.  Teachers new.  A fellow student even had me in a documentary (which I believe is still in DLSU's archives) on me talking about threesome relationships and why mine worked (for only 9 months though, after which all the lies were revealed and I had to start over).  But family, no they never knew.

I first came out to my brother.   One night he dragged me out with him to a fastfood chain to talk to me about something that was greatly worrying him.  As it turned out, he and his girlfriend were getting serious and he wasn't sure how to break the news to our parents.  I told him, "You have it easy.  Trust me.  Guess what my problem is?"  And when I told him, he agreed.  I was gonna have it tough.

A few years later, I came out to my mother's eldest brother.  He was in the theater industry and was for certain much more open-minded about these things.  He consoled me and congratulated me on my bravery and admitted that my mom would probably find it hard to just accept things.  "Give it time," he reminded me, "But tell her when you are sure it is time."

"Huli ka!"

During all these passing years, I had relationships.  Guys.  Girls.  My parents knew all my girlfriends.  Some they loved.  Others they hated.  My parents met all my boyfriends.  They were all my "new bestfriends" in their eyes.  Deep down I suspected they already knew.  There was that NewYorker skirt my mom gave me one Christmas supposedly, "In case you needed a skirt for a theater play."   There were the gay porn magazines I once found suddenly neatly arranged (by date!) in their hiding place.  There was also that time I was having sex and left the phone off the cradle, only to have my dad buzz my room asking me to put it down.  Oh and there was that one time I was giving someone head when someone tapped at my window.  But I guess it was safe to say they didn't see anything. Hear though, I feared they had.  The guy was moaning pretty loud.

Yep, not all bisexuals are just guys afraid to admit they're gay.

My girlfriends all knew I was bisexual.  I always told them this fact before things got serious.  All admitted they were okay with it, but later would admit it wasn't the easiest thing to be okay with.  Many friends still feel I let "the right one go".  Personally, I think regardless of how things went, me and they all left with something new learned in their hearts and minds.

I had gotten so used to living between words and hiding relationships between definitions that I didn't think I'd ever need to come out.  So what if they always thought I had a best friend over?  So what if they never knew I loved him more than I thought I could ever love anyone else?

Then he came.  How the relationship started is an epic tale in itself - and yes it involves Transformers, dragons, songs, wavelengths, and tears, but that's a story for another day.  What it did bring was a sudden desire once again to be recognized.   To have our relationship recognized.   To be proudly able to say, "I am with him."

It took me a year to get ready.  It took me a year to weigh the odds:  Would I be thrown out of the house?  Can I survive without my parents being part of my life?  Am I really ready to do this?  Within that year, I took steps that prepared me for the final leap.  My partner and I marched on Gay Pride (which so many ignore and instead focus solely on the White Party) and I felt the anger and sadness for the people who were there to tell me I was evil and should not exist.  I heard the protesters rage about how I was bringing the end of the world.  I realized I needed to speak up.  I wanted to show we weren't the horrors they all thought.  I found strength in what my partner Rocky told me:  "Coming out is always a personal choice."  Part of me knew he was instrumental in this resurgence of wanting to be recognized, but he was right.  If I were to come out, it had to be because I wanted to.  Not because I was doing it for him.   Not because I had to.

And I realized, yes I wanted to.

Given all the cons of coming out, the pain and the possibilities of being disowned, I realized I wanted to be recognized as me.  I wanted to be honest about who I was.  I didn't want to be hidden between the lines anymore.  At least not to my parents.  Every year, my birthday was a day I'd get depressed seeing it as another year my parents did not know their own son.

I wanted them to know me.

And so I did.  One night, I told my parents I needed to talk to them.  April 21st.  It was the point of no return.    And finally, when we spoke, it was a moment I will always remember.  There were tears.  There were painful moments.  But there was also an unmistakable aura of love and strength.  My parents were finding it hard to accept, and much to my surprise never thought I was gay.  I didn't want to clarify that I was bisexual at first to make it easier for them, but when they asked about my girlfriends it didn't feel right for them to think they were all just foils to hide the truth.  But I came out, and in the end, they admitted that nothing will ever change the fact they love me and want me to be happy.

Now my parents know the whole story.

Breaking out at last!

They know about the fact I am living a happily geeky gay life with my partner and while they admit they aren't ready to see him yet or have me too openly talking about him, I feel overjoyed to know they know my life and  not just the lie I used to keep surrounding them.

They asked me to give them time, and I realize I at least will give them that.  I have yet to proclaim myself to the rest of the family that I am gay, but then again I don't really see the need to.  After all, I'm not hiding.  My blog and facebook profile openly speaks of my relationship and status.  My life openly reflects my lifestyle.   I have had some net savvy extended family members contact me and offer words of support.  But I've also had others who haven't heard the "chismis" and are still left in the dark.  My Lola recently asked me if I was still single.  I replied, "Tell you more about it next time Lola.  Best siguro ask my Mom.  But I want you to know I am very very happy and very very well cared for."

The Many Layers of Inception.
Pwedeng analogy to the many layers of the closet!

I like this feeling of being honest with myself and to others.
I understand that coming out has its layers.  Sometimes you can't quite come out completely in one go.  Some have the choice stripped from them.  Others choose to limit the circle of knowledge to what's convenient or comfortable for them.  But ultimately, coming out empowers.  And is a personal reminder to yourself that yes you can be who you are and not be afraid.

My name is Tobie Abad and I am proud to say I've come out.
I am proudly living with my partner, Rocky, and you can read about his coming out story here.
I hope others in time find the right moment for them to choose to do the same.
There will always be excuses and reasons not to.
But the choice to do so will always be yours unless you wait for the time it will be taken from you.

I believe in Karma. And Stupidity.

I recently attended a birthday bash a friend of mine was having.   The party was held at our favorite haunt and with three tables reserved just for us, I opted to stay at the table I usually am at, enjoying its familiarity and closeness to the air conditioner.  There were a large number of new faces that evening.  While I was amongst friends and good buddies, there was a very generous helping of new faces and I had my share of introductions and ice breaker toasts.  A few more tequila shots later between rounds of Extra Joss empowered beer and I found myself giddy and dancing to the great music.    I saw a lot of old friends who now had partners and true to my nickname-sake, began to talk to each of them like a mother would to her child's new suitor.  I reminded them of the importance of honesty and respect and how if they crossed the line, I would call upon every true and powerful thing outside the arms of the law to smite them.

The night was good.  Dancing and laughter were shared in abundance.  Anecdotes shared.  Jokes remembered.

I missed my partner.  He was stuck at work that night, and being a responsible manager, he didn't exactly think the idea of just calling in sick was acceptable.  So I had dropped him off at work before driving to the party and now felt how much I wished he was with me.  The sea of laughing faces, iced alcohol and frenetic dance steps seemed less... fun... without him.

It was then that it happened.

As the group toasted another round for the birthday boy, a friend I had not seen for quite some time stumbled close - evidently having a tad too much to drink - and stared at the boyfriend of one of my buddies.  With a smile, the friend swung an arm around the boyfriend's neck, then pulled him close as if to whisper something to his ear.   This was happening just a foot in front of me.   Leaning close to grab the friend in case gravity won against his wobbly knees, I overheard him stumbling over his own words as he slid his hand to the guy's chest and squeezed.

Uh oh.

A quick glance and I saw the boyfriend's partner, my other friend, staring at the incident with contained anger.  Knowing this was most likely the alcohol and not actual stupidity, I stepped forward and quickly grabbed drunk buddy with my arms, pulled him off the boyfriend, and sat him down beside me.  Drunk friend laughed, obviously oblivious to what was going on, and asked me if he can hug me.  I told him it was fine and used it as a means to keep him from tipping over.

While I am not that much a believer that alcohol should excuse one of acting stupidly (for I still believe no matter how drunk a person gets, the choice to act is always a choice, though admittedly drunk people make really bad ones.  The alcohol does NOT make the choice for you.)  I began think about how some people choose to act stupidly for supposed romantic or whatever reasons, but when truly confronted are easily revealed to be selfish ones.  And mind you, I am in no means washing my hands clean and claiming to be pure and innocent of stupid choices.  I too have made my own number of mistakes in the past.  But I have always admitted my mistakes and lived up to my promises.

I know of some people who seem to thrive on the idea of going for people who are attached.  It does not matter how loyal the others are, or whether or not their own relationship is going well.  The call for something as forbidden as a taken man seems too irresistible to ignore.

I know also of others who live their lives crying wolf.  They lie, cheat, and in some cases even steal, then when caught blame society, blame their partner, blame the other man, or even blame mental illness they claim to have... but never do they simply fess up and admit their fault.

And I know of others who thrive on manipulation and gossip.  They twist the truth and spread so much white lies, they convince themselves of their own inventions.  Even something as me telling another, "I rather not say anything at the risk of being accused of backstabbing a person.." was reinterpreted and spread as me supposedly spreading bad gossip about a person.

Stupid people.
Stupid choices.
And worse yet, the stupid fact that many others are blind to these facts and accept their words as gospel.

Sometimes I wish I could do something to help.  Many of these people aren't exactly enemies or people I dislike (although there is one whom I wish would finally pay the karmic debt of all the @*$*&#%^*# he's done to others), and sad but true, most won't take kindly to any attempt to help them become better people.  Some would cry foul and demand to be given the "right" to live their lives how they want.   And while I do agree we all have a right to finding our own kind of happiness, how does one balance respecting such rights when one can clearly see the other is trapped in an unfair situation?

"If they don't help themselves..."

I was told that was supposed to be the main difference.  If you have a friend whose hard-earned money was being leeched away by a wife who seems to be the very definition of infidelity, you have no right to say anything is wrong about it if the friend doesn't complain anyway.  That's their life.  That's their call if they want to live that kind of a life.

In some ways, that sounds true.

However, what if the friend doesn't complain not because he is okay with it, but because he just rather not "make a fuss" over things.   It isn't that he's happy with the situation or accepts it.  What if its because he thinks by acting he loses everything?

This seems to be a long blog entry with no clear direction.  I guess I was just trying to jot down thoughts and see where they lead.  Sometimes, I think it is easier to just pretend that I don't know things.  Pretend I don't see the little wrongs going on.  To just act as if I was blind too to the unacceptable acts of stupidity that people I care about engage in.

But would that not be any different from getting drunk, then blaming the beer for hitting on a friend's boyfriend?

Wouldn't that just be a choice to be dishonest?