Quickie Poetry: Terminus/Terminal

Maybe that's the role I was meant to play

That's the job handed my way

To set the stage, to coach the lines

To take the anger and the whines

To give support

To take the blame

To be a resort 

For these complicated games.

To cry it out

To be the one whose strong

To bleed, to shout

To be told I'm wrong.

To believe, to love

To strive for an ideal

To keep a level head

To think, to feel.

Maybe in the end, 

we do what we know we must

And leave the future to the chance

it will crumble to dust.

Or maybe it is just another day

Another moment in time

To be patient, to be calm

To work, to unwind.

Maybe this will end

Or maybe this will grow

Maybe I was never enough

Maybe I will never know.

But at least, there is something

I know to be true

I left learnings, lessons,

to make you a better you.

Quick update...

So yeah, my partner and I found someone who added so much more to our life.    What was that, you don't understand what I mean?  Lemme put it down in simpler words then:

We found a boyfriend who loves us both.

Yep.  There are three of us now in our relationship.  And we all love each other very much.
More on that soon enough.

:-)

The Secret Recipe to a Relationship

I never thought I would ever come to a point in my life where I can say, "Yes I can cook good food."  But ever since I got into this relationship with Rocky, I have found myself in a life where reaching for my dreams seems to be the norm. 

Rocky and I now cook more often than buy food outside or have it delivered.   While Rocky is good at coming up with delectable soups and very filling pastas, I am thankful he really enjoys my salads and other simpler dishes.  Most recently, Rocky has been really loving the Turbo Broiled Chicken that I can make.  The recipe was a family favourite which so many people have really appreciated and to be able to cook it now makes me feel very happy.

Since Rocky and I have been taking taking steps to eating healthier, the additions of cooking machines such as the Turbo Broiler and the Slow Cooker Crock Pot are a definite plus.  The tricky part is really finding not too difficult but healthy recipes to try.

Which brings me to the topic of relationships:  

If you find yourself in a relationship which stifles your growth as a person or forces you to sacrifice your dreams, then maybe it is time to reconsider how you treat yourself.    Maybe it is time to get out.

While it is not uncommon for sacrifices to be called for from either party in making a relationship work, all such sacrifices should always be a two-way street.  Both should realize the give-and-take nature of a relationship is a constant act of finding ways to keep things balanced.  While this doesn't meant counting and tracking every single thing and time you make certain compromises, it does mean being aware that you aren't the only one doing them.  Often, I've read  facebook status updates and comments from single people complaining about how love has always been unfair to them or how it was time "they took care of themselves  more."   I sometimes find myself wanting to reach out and tell them, "You know, that's precisely it.  You HAVE to take care of yourself more.  You have to always keep yourself happy.  Because if you don't, you won't have happiness that you will want to share with your partner."  The happiness that makes a relationship strong and nourishes it to grow is a happiness that comes from each partner and is shared with each other.  If only one person keeps "producing" the happiness and the other keeps "relishing it," then I'm afraid that's merely a relationship doomed to eventually fall apart or worse, live on with one of the two feeling cheated and trapped for the rest of his life.

Be happy.
And share that happiness with the person you love.

If you find someone who is doing the same then, then chances are you have found the person you are meant to  be with for the rest of your lives.

A host of messages I wish I could say

In this era of social networking, one can easily get a glimpse of the lives of one's friends through their newsfeeds and updates.   While this is mostly good and cool in keeping in touch, it does also at times place one in the strange zone of knowing more than one wanted to know.  Or worse, feeling the urge to offer unsolicited advice for friends who clearly are doing things the wrong way.

But since unsolicited advice is never welcomed, I decided to just write this open blog post and dedicate them to the many people who will probably NEVER read this page anyway since they are absorbed right now by what they believe to be insurmountable problems of their own.

So yeah, let's begin:

If you think the relationship is that fucked up, then by all that is right and holy, end it.  You do deserve better.  And guess what, so does your partner.

Stop looking for love by going to a gay club and flirting with strangers.  You'll have a better chance meeting new people through friends at parties, or contacting someone online with a clear declaration of wanting to get to know each other and not sleep together as a first intention.

If you caused your own damned problem, stop whining about it on the social network, then getting angry when people point out it is your fault.

No, we're not talking about you.  But yes, it is amusing to know you still read everything I post as about you.

Don't worry too much.  Your work will always be as successful.  You have true talent.  And an innate ability to reach out and touch people's lives.

I'm sorry you're in your situation.  But I'm no longer in any position to help you have a better life.  You had your chance.

Seriously, look in the mirror.  Keep your eyes open this time.

It ain't escape when its leaving someplace that keeps you from being happy and taking steps towards taking back responsibility for your own life.

I'm Sorry You Are Stuck With... Him.

Love, they say, means never having to say you are sorry.


Personally, I think that is one of the most idiotic and selfish ways to view love.  That ranks pretty high up there, almost equal to the idea that in love, the other person has to accept you as who you are with not a single change required at all.

And that's why you're lonely.
Or why others pity your partner.

What a huge steaming pot of cow offal these adages are!

First of all, even if you are in a loving, honest and responsible relationship, if you in any way mess up or do something wrong, then by the powers that be you better fess up and apologize to your partner.  It does not matter if your partner is socially-inept, image-conscious, uneducated, weathly-rich-spoiled, uglier than your penis warts or more beautiful than the love child of Papa P and whoever becomes his Mama, if you do something that insults him, abuses his trust, makes him look stupid, wastes his time, or worse, plays with his heart, then apologize for your lack of actual intelligence in doing it.  The act of realizing and accepting one's guilt and role in a mistake is crucial in a proper relationship to work.  So you woke up late to show up at a date?  Apologize!  Fess up as to why you did not sleep earlier and be man enough to say you are sorry.    Or maybe you somehow started a small white lie, like claimed to call your partner open-minded enough to let you fuck around, and now the lie has reached his ears and the world can see he never really saw things that way... would you really have the gall to believe you had every right to do what you wanted because in a relationship, the man you claim to love and have labelled an idiot to all your conquests should accept you as who you are?

Or rather, as WHAT you are?

Because if you are going to act like a self-centered manipulative bastard, your partner has every right to punch your lights out and call you exactly what you are.

If you are guilty, you better admit you are.
Only then does a "Sorry" really have worth.

Many counter that love requires compromise.  This is true.  But the sad thing about this truth is many stretch it too far into realms beyond actual compromise.  For example, compromise is cutting down on going out since your partner wants to stay home on some nights.   Compromise is smoking outside the house since your partner is asthmatic.  Compromise is not owning a pet since your partner is actually phobic to the said animal.

Those are proper compromises.  Those are compromises that happen in a relationship where communication actually happens.

"I thought you were just living with your ex... oh."

Compromise is not sleeping with anyone you want to since the other has never complained about it.    Compromise is not letting your partner sleep around because you are afraid to complain and mess things up and end up living life alone.  Compromise is not giving up on your hobby or dreams because your money is needed to pay your partner's extracurricular needs.  Especially when those needs are fickle expenses that he should, had he had any real-male balls between his thighs and actual contents where his brain should be, be responsible enough to curb if he can't afford on his own.

Admittedly, many people have dreams of living a carefree life.   Marry rich and die happy, they say.  Find a wealthy foreigner to foot your bills for the rest of your life.  Better yet, make sure you find someone who is afraid to be left alone.  In the straight side of things, this was very prevalent towards women.  Find a handsome rich man.  It doesn't matter if you don't really like him, you will be happy with him.  He has money. Get pregnant before he escapes.  Horrible.  Simply horrible.  Did these parents ever realize they were telling their own daughters to give up being people and just sell their vaginas to the closest man with a hefty wallet?

Makes me wanna Expose, Educate, Inspire people who think they're already perfect.
Perfectly messed up and selfish, if you ask me.

And strangely, many gay guys have embraced the very same idea.    They want to live Eat-Pray-Whatever the Fuck that book is called lives where they splurge money needlessly on quests to find themselves when their real problems were issues with them not being honest to themselves.    And before you even try to peg it on me, I have nothing against rich people or foreigners.   I do have huge issues with gold diggers.  Especially those who believe they DESERVE the other person's hard earned money.

Does he know you measure him based on his monetary worth?

A relationship requires a real sense of balance.  
And understandably, how that is defined differs from couple to couple.  I know of long term couples that have opened their doors to having sex with others.  The beauty of this?  Full disclosure.  No lies about being single to net the next cutie.  No slanderous excuses given to explain away the "room mate."  Real open relations where one tells dated guy he is actually in a relationship but the partner is open to the idea.  And the partner himself does the same thing.  Equity.  Balance.

Some how, that seems so hard to accept for most people.
So they do what is easier.  They lie.  They invent.  They tell their loved ones how special they are, then ask for money to go out and find someone new to fuck.  And that someone later on will have to discover to his horror  his hook up happens to be taken.  And the loved one learns as far as the hook up was concerned, he didn't exist... well until shit hit the fan.  So many lies.  Layer and layer that when sprung, can destroy trust that took years to earn.   That can destroy all the joyful memories that were built through the months.  Or years.

Why are you so afraid to be yourself?

It makes me wonder why bother lying?
Why not be honest to your partner?  Why not admit your needs?  Or insecurities?  Or fears?  Why not work though everything AS a couple?  After all, that is what you want to be right?  A couple?

Love is means you say sorry.  But most of the time, you won't really have to.
Well, you won't if you are doing your part.

Love fuels a relationship, after all.
And if you're not really doing your share to keeping a relationship running...

The best liars are the ones who believe their own lies.

.. you are not in Love.
So just admit it.
Don't add another layer to the lies you might already struggle to hide.

Again, Kylie speaks volumes of this.

Be honest from the start.
Full disclosure.  Better, after all, as Kylie said the devil you know.
And you will see how easy it becomes to be sensitive and true to one another.

But even French Fries deserve to be happy.
The birds though, they should learn to be content.

Saying sorry becomes a rare event.
Because there are fewer times you will ever need to say it.

When the Stereotypes Take Over

While I admit I found this video introspectively amusing, I can only take so much jokes in this manner.  I still feel that sometimes people just need to wake up and see past the stereotypes and misconceptions of what makes us all unique and yet similar to each other.  Steve Hughes is great though in reminding us that gay or straight, the stereotypes are what we tend to think of rather than the truth.



Gay, Straight, Bisexual, ultimately it doesn't matter who we love or choose to sleep with.
What matter more are our morals.  Our values.  Our character.

When people ask me if I am sure about being in a gay relationship (which I guess is in reference to my being bisexual:  The option to have a relationship with a woman is "always" there.) I find myself struggling not to find insult in the question.  Why find insult?  Because for me, it feels tantamount to being told, "Are you sure there's a point in being in your relationship?"  The general view of most people (and sadly this also includes many non-straights as well) is that homosexual relationships rarely have the fortitude to last long.  Reasons range from stupid ("Because they are immoral and unnatural.  How can you expect it to last long?") to selfish ("Because there are so many cocks to try, why limit yourself?") to downright sad ("Because they just don't.  No law to compel them to last.  No children to trap you together.")

Imagine how much better their lives would have been had they just admitted what they felt
and embraced that love, ignoring all the fear, expectations and hate of others.

But people, really now.   Open your eyes.  A relationship and its strength and fortitude are based not on such pathetic excuses and over-generalized opinions.  The power of two people loving each other is limited only by the willingness of the two to make things last.   If you really feel that the only reason you haven't left your partner/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is because of a law, a social expectation, a child, a religious ruling) then frankly, you aren't really in a relationship. You are in a trap.

Find the person who makes you feel that you are who you are because you were meant to be who you are.  Find the person who embraces you and loves you and tells you how you make his life just as meaningful and loved.    Find the person who expects from you no less than what he gives you.  The person who is willing to share his life with you, and lovingly allows you to be part of his.

You deserve to be loved.
You will find someone who deserves you too.

True love means no one has to stay home alone.

Cause think about it:  Money runs out.  Laws change.  Beauty fades.   Even skill can eventually be lost.
But if you find that person who truly honestly fully loves you, none of those will matter.

I hope you find the courage to do what you must.
And the joy of finding who you are meant to be with.

Is Tom Strong Strong Enough?

Read this earlier tonight and found myself amusedly thinking about the geekwood entry I posted on Tom Strong. DC Comics has been making interesting moves as of the late (with one of the biggest ones I question being the removal of certain popular Vertigo characters from the Vertigo universe due to legalese I rather ignore.)  With DC comic's cancellation of the Wildstorm line, Tom Strong sadly was to be one of its casualties.

Ooops, wrong Tom.  Then again  I guess you don't mind either.

In some ways, this did make me think about change in general.  About how things may become familiar to us that sometimes, while change may be good, the idea of letting go of something familiar can be a horrific idea.  Life has its moments where change can be good or bad.  Whether it be the small things such as changing the brand of soap you buy, or bigger things like choosing to move to another city, change will always have repercussions one way or another.

But what we forget is, while change may seemingly be inevitable, it does not mean it cannot be productive.

Ang matakot, talo.

Most of the time, the resistance to change is the fear of something new.  Familiarity is always a powerful comfort zone, even if what is familiar may be unhealthy or unwise.   Finding the courage to take a step towards something new can be difficult, but if one learns to focus on the facts, one can see the wealth of opportunity waiting ahead of them.  I recently learned to cook and for a long time, I refused to step outside the omelets and fried food I was making.  My partner insisted I try doing other things and eventually even got us an oven toaster to help me take a brave step away from the frying pan and into the baking oven.     Now, thanks to his support and faith in me, I have made a few new baked dishes, learned to even take a stab at doing more interesting salads (you should try my Cilantro-Eggplant salad one time!) and have dreams of actually moving towards baking my own bread and cooking steaks!

I love this book.
Someone should make a movie out of it.

Many also forget that change will always need time.  If you've made a habit of using Internet Explorer for years, the thought of switching to Chrome or Rockmelt might sound like too much effort.  Or might even be seen as *hard* since it will mean having to learn how to do things a bit differently.   I recall how I used to hate  the new World of Darkness system, with its strange similar-yet-different feel to the old Storyteller system that I loved.  I used to despise how it felt more like it had influences from d20 and tried to make things seem so basic.  But now, I find it hard to jump back to the old version of the rules.  After some time of getting used to the new system, I have realized what the creators knew and wanted me to learn; the new system is so streamlined you can not only easily mix their products into the game but was simple enough new players can grasp the idea with a single session!   If you take into account the fact that time will be needed to start to actually feel how the change is a good thing, you will at least be making a far better judgement call in the end.

Admit it!  You also at first thought Robot Unicorn Attack was stupid,
until you played it and ended up LOVING it!

And lastly, one must always remember that change will only truly reflect what it offers if you give it an honest chance.    Diets tend to suffer from this the most.  When a change is experienced, many far too quickly declare it a failure because they never really gave it an proper chance.  Once I told myself I would never get into driving.  While young, I actually already learned to drive my mother's car.  But far too quickly, I dismissed the freedom driving brought because I knew once I could drive I would eternally be the person my parents order around to buy stuff.  So I ditched the skill and proclaimed, "I don't like driving.  I prefer the freedom of walking around."  While it was partly true, the joys of walking and commuting were not joys that I would deny myself once I started driving.  They were just joys I used as an excuse to stop.   I, too quickly, shot down the chance for driving to be a true experience.  But now, with a few more years of being behind the wheel under my belt, I am extremely grateful a good friend of mine helped me find the courage to get back behind the wheel.  

So why is this a blame it on the rain,bro article?  As I was thinking of what to blog about today, I found myself thinking about a number of things.  Among them was how a friend of mine who seemed to believe she was unlucky in love.  All the guys she had met were sweet and sincere, but after some weeks of sex and dating, would drop her to find the next warm body.  I suggested to her that maybe what she needed to do was to simply spend the nights out enjoying time with her friends rather than hunting down a boyfriend.   "Try to find time to just enjoy being you.  Stop trying to always be the person the other one wants.  And stop thinking you can't be happy as yourself."  She never tried.  She thought the idea was too weird.  She felt the idea meant she was "giving up" (although what she was giving up I never understood) and as far as I know, she is still diving into clubs hoping to find her Mr. Right in the very place where Mr. OneNightStand simply hangs out.     There is also the other friend who used to think the bar I love was a dump.  The friend was a regular of this bigger bar; a place that equated expensive entrance fees and even more expensive drinks as a symbol of class.  While the bar I loved was a single-storey venue with a cozy floor area and affordable prices, his was a veritable palace of a dance club with numerous floors, peek-a-boo friendly restrooms and enough disco-lights to blind a star.   A few years back, I invited the said friend to a birthday party to check out the place, enjoy the company and have some drinks.   Nowadays, I find myself bumping into him on some nights, there with a host of his friends, enjoying the place.  I wonder sometimes if I should ask.  But then again, doing that might just raise his defenses about it.

Yeah... don't expect love in a place where sex is the main point.

But yes, change can be good.

My coming out was a huge change.  I had a host of things to be afraid of, and frankly even until now there are some things related to my coming out that make me worry.  But overall, the change has been for the best:  I don't have to lie to my parents anymore.  I don't have to pretend my partner is just my friend.  I don't have to act like gay bashing is something I am okay with when family members might happen to do it.  I don't have to make excuses on why I'd spend "certain" days or nights with my partner anymore.  They know I am with the guy I love and they know that on some days of the month, he becomes my priority over everyone else.    And even better, I know now that I can honestly share with them why he makes me happy.  And how I make him happy too.    Our relationship, save for the fact it is homosexual rather than heterosexual, is pretty much seen the same way as any other:  our business.  They are HUGE changes.  Especially for someone who spent the better part of his life making excuses whenever his bisexual heart fell for a person who had a cock.

Me and my partner.
No, we aren't just "best friends."

Change can be very good.  And while it will always be scary, change should always be given some level of consideration before being thrown out of the options immediately.

So I guess, I guess I just need to remind myself of that and do what I can to bring it to a more positive direction.  Tom Strong, here's hoping to see you in print again someday soon.  Wildstorm or not, I believe you will find more readers willing to shell out money to support you.

Let us meditate on the immortal words of Charlie Chaplin:

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles."

(although admittedly, I have no idea when he said this.  Doesn't he usually perform absolutely silent?)

Are you REALLY worth it?

An interesting question was raised to me earlier while I was at my favorite haunt regarding relationships.   I showed up to hang with my friends when out of the blue, someone who I have only begun to know as a friend threw me an interesting query:

How does one know when someone is worth it?

It seemed like a strange thing to ask, given we were at O bar enjoying our drinks while dancing to Kylie, Duffy and other wonderful singers.  The mood, though muddled a bit by a pair of horrendous monkeys who were practically dry humping on the stage, was far from serious and the drinks were still in their infancy.  I considered the fact that it may have been a question that had been nagging the said person's mind and he may have opted to ask me for my opinion given he knew me to be both old and much more introspective about things.

I repeated the question aloud and thought about it for a moment.  After all, the question had much more weight than one would expect.  Is a person's "worth", for example, something that another person has the right to determine?  Would factors such as occupation, personal wealth, good breeding, eloquence of speech and courage to come out be valid standards to forge the proper measure of a gay man?  Would judging another based on such color one as being materialistic?  Or a bigot?  Or even elitist?

We've all found ourselves at one point or another questioning our
own self-worth because of how another abused our trust and love.

Deciding it was best to get a better picture of why the question was asked, I prodded for more information and soon it became clear based on his answers why the question came to mind.  In brief, the guy had sacrificed numerous things for the other, thinking the other guy was a sure candidate for a long-term relationship, only to be rebuffed with a statement about not "wanting to be tied down" and then countered with accusations of flirting around with others and the like.   While I decided to tip-toe away from the dangerous quest of knowing whether the accusations or complaints were valid, I realized the specifics of why he asked the question were irrelevant to how I ultimately would answer the question.   And my answer was this:

The question of whether a person one likes is worth the effort or not is a question only the person involved can honestly answer.  

While other people may have opinions, informed or not, about the other, the person involved remains the sole holder of the right to decide if the other is worth his time.

Take for instance a couple where one is a wealthy, well-connected man of high profile status.  The man may be raking in thousands per week, driving the best car money can buy, and practically be a celebrity in his field of practice.  Some (and most of the time these would be parents or titos and titas) would say such a person is a great catch! That someone who is that successful is worth it, no matter how he is as a person.  For some, such a person can even be a habitual liar who sleeps around with total strangers, or a manipulative bastard who brainwashes his friends to like him by bribing them with gallant displays of generosity.  The idea that he's successful is worth those "tiny" problems.

On the other hand, imagine if one of the people in the couple happens to be a man who proclaims himself some kind of modern day hippie, despising work and relishing on spending his days doing practically nothing under the guise of searching for artistic perfection.  The lazy slob might automatically be deemed as worthless by others who think the fact he doesn't earn his keep makes him less of a man.  

But sometimes, such a strange mix can still work.  Sometimes, the unfaithful bastard in the first example might simply have psychological issues that the other understands and accepts.   Or sometimes, the sloth in the second example might truly be fantastically creative when the moment hits him and his partner embraces that probability and waits with him for that moment.

It takes two.  Two people who sleep around freely in a real open-relationship would work.
But one doing so, while the other has no idea or is kept from doing the same... that's doomed to fail.

Are these relationships doomed to fail?  Are they bound to work?

Maybe.  The only ones who can really answer that are those involved, if you ask me.  Yes, maybe they can be abusive.  Maybe they can be unfair.  But if the people involved ultimately are happy, then they deserve that happiness, as twisted and inappropriate as others might deem it.  Hey, come on, think about it.  We are gay.   We are in same-sex relationships.  A majority of the people of the world already deem us immorally inappropriate and biologically wrong.  

Does that make the relationship worth it, though?  Does that make it worth the pain?  The anguish?  The self-doubt?

Maybe.

Be honest.  

But while ideals are far from typical, I personally believe that one should always strive to at least reach for them.  And in a relationship, the ideals I uphold are those of Trust, Sensitivity, Patience and Responsibility.

In a relationship that is worth it, I believe both couples strive to maintain an ever present existence of trust with one another.  Trust after all, once broken, can take quite much more time than expected to heal.  And worse, many mistake a "bahala attitude" as trust.    Sensitivity, on the other hand, when present already reduces the presence of infidelity, selfishness and shallowness.  When one learns to hold one's partner's feelings in mind, one remains conscious of things that may strain the other's trust and patience.  A sensitive person would never hit on someone else, because that person knows such an act can be painful to the other.  A sensitive person would never claim to be okay with something, then complain about it once the other actually does it.  Patience is the glue that strengthens the three.  When one is patient in a relationship, one embraces the fact that no matter how close and wonderful two are together, one accepts the truth that they are still two different people.  And two different people may have differences in opinions, interests, or taste.   One learns to respect the needs of another, but, guided by sensitivity and empowered by trust, knows that such time will not be abused to the point it leaves the other feeling dejected or unwanted.   And lastly, Responsibility.  Knowing what resources exist in the relationship, from the material (cash) to the immaterial (time) and understanding that one has to treat such things with a much more mature perspective.  Many who simply "do what they want since no one is complaining" fail to realize how irresponsible they are.  Such people try to throw the blame on the other for not "telling them to stop" as if they were not given the brains to realize how abusive they are getting.

(I posted about this here too, for those who haven't read it.)

And with those said, we return to the question:

How does one know when someone is worth it?

I think ultimately we all can try to assume someone is for an unspecified period of time.  When we find someone we like, or feel we have a connection to, we decide, "Yes this person is worth it" for a period of time.  Ironically, this period of time tends to be the time we are merely getting to know someone more.  During this period, we cancel plans to make time for the other.  Or cancel purchases to treat the other out somewhere we like.  Many make the mistake of putting their best "show" forward, rather than being themselves, thinking it would be better to "win someone over" by showing them an "ideal" rather than to let someone get to know them as them and face the consequences.    But I personally don't think there's anything wrong with assuming someone is worth it this early.

In fact, I think ultimately, we never know for absolute certain if someone is worth it.  We can only assume.  Or rather, to be more accurate, we can believe the other is.

When we find someone we feel is worth it, we make a leap of faith.  We trust in something that doesn't exist.  We give that someone a chance to show us otherwise.  And sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes, we give more chances.  Sometimes, we give up.  Too soon.   Too late.

But we believe.

And that is a belief no one can tell us is wrong.  Because as individuals we have the right to make such decisions.   What we should never do, however, is blame the other for choosing to believe.    (We can always, however, curse them for lying if they do.)  And if we find someone who deserves us, it won't be hard to see how they too took that chance and believed in us.

And reached for the same ideals you had.

Leaping ain't too hard if you know you're both doing it for each other.

There is no harm in loving.  No harm in caring.  No harm in believing.
But if that trust is shattered, that sensitivity is trampled on, that patience is broken, and that sense of responsibility is abused, I only hope that you realize these things and remember:  You deserve better.

And someone out there, deserves you too.

Reading Between the Updates

The foundations of a relationship can sometimes be gleaned by simply keeping a keen eye on what either of the two seem to celebrate the most.    While a great connection and a rich sex life are both vital to a relationship, one can discern quite easily by glancing at the details what one or the other celebrates the most in their relationship.  It is in such introspections that social media such as Mark Zuckerberg's blue logo monstrosity, Facebook.com, or one's blog can be much more revealing than one expects.

Who needs to worry about losing one's privacy to Facebook
when we're all too willing to already over-share information?

I know of a pair who when I first heard of them was talked about as the perfect sweetest couple EVER.   In many ways, their relationship was deemed to be a prime example of a perfect gay long term relationship.  But then in the scant number of months leading to their break-up, it was quiet evident that all their posts were about themselves and their own INDIVIDUAL celebrations of life.    Updates tended to focus on how one, rather than both, or even at least one talking about the other, enjoyed their day.

"Hit the gym.  Feeling good.  I love today."

"Decided to catch the latest Bond movie.  Should be fun."

"Got a haircut.  Love my new look."

Me.  I.  All about the person and not about them.  All about enjoying life alone.
I couldn't help but wonder when I read them, "Where they not ever together?!?!?"  At one point, the two ate at some Italian restaurant.  Their updates then followed.

"Had delicious pasta today.  Love the food here!"

Came one update.  Okay, so he was enjoying his night... even if it sounded alone.

The other, around the same time, sent this update:

"Bored.   Anxious to go home.  Good food at least."

And again, barely any hint of being together. 

Maybe it was a case of being in the closet.  Or maybe it was a hint that the other wasn't too keen on where they decided to go that night.  But one would have thought the updates would have at least hinted that they were hanging out at the same place.


When things fell south, many were devastated.  To many, it was unthinkable.  How could they have ended such a "perfect" relationship?  I didn't even bat an eyelash.  I could see it a mile away.  They were too happy with their own lives they did not really enjoy sharing it with one another.

Yep, the POKE icon is actually a hidden taunt at what you are.

Another pair I heard of is a stranger mix.  While I don't know them personally, the mutual friends who we share often tell me of what they read in their newsfeed.  Supposedly, the updates that flow have a clear theme.  Travel.  Expensive things.  Costly food.  Outlandish indulgences.  While living a money-landen life is not bad in any way, celebrating them alone does make one wonder:  what is the other doing other than financing all this?    Even worse, all these celebratory posts are to cheer about "they are mine" rather than "we now own this!"  In some ways, I've tried to be more open-minded about such relationships, but deep down I fear the day when the shit hits the fan.  Somehow I already can tell if things go south, "How do we survive this" will come only after the question, "What do I keep?"


Then, there is this pair I know of which loves to play the switcharoo game in their social network updates.  The two are greatly in love and passionately care for one another, but due to personal reasons are openly exploring having sex with other partners.   My feelings on open relationships aside, I am happy that they do at least keep an honest and open flow of communication between them - honestly sharing if they found someone interesting and discussing whether or not it is alright to have fun with the said person or not.  None of the "I'll claim to be single/your ex" manipulations in play.  So their social network updates are tailored to hit the said "market".  I applaud them for their courage in choosing to wade in what I feel is potentially dangerous waters.  The risk of tearing apart trust can be tremendously detrimental to a long term partnership.


I do however pity the poor soul who becomes the victim of their united front.    I can only hope that the poor sod at least is given a clear understanding of what the situation is, and isn't lead on to think he's in a relationship with a single man.

To quote, Sharleen Spiteri and Johnny McElhone,
"You can say what you want, but it won't change my mind, I'll feel the same about you."

And of course there are those who keep their private lives to themselves.  A friend of mine is married and between the two of them, only she had a facebook account.  Her updates are often hilarious, giving an insider glimpse of the industry she works in and she rarely posts actual updates about her husband.   However, on the times that she does, one can easily see the honesty and affection they contain.  No pomp and overly dressed statements that try to make the relationship sound more fantastic than it really is.  Just an honest statement of how well things are between them.

There will always be them liars out there.
Or worse.

Ultimately, people who embrace the idea of having a virtual presence in a social network tend to seek an outlet to share openly things they appreciate and celebrate.  And what these things are can give another a good glimpse of what to expect of the person who wrote those updates.   While it ain't a precise science, I think it wouldn't take a special degree in anything to discern what kind of a guy one would have to be to post affectionate messages aimed anonymously to someone as status messages, when the guy's said partner is clearly someone who supposedly doesn't go online.  Or what to expect from a date with someone whose profile picture still shows him wearing the favorite shirt his ex gave him.   

Sometimes, deny what one wilt, the updates reveal the details indeed.
So if you have a facebook account, well, maybe you ought to take a step back and look at how your updates normally sound.  That may give you a better idea on why some people know you better than you think!

In the Dark

His hands were fumbling against my belt.

We first met during the night of a full moon.  I was bored and online, surfing through profiles upon profiles of men who seemed to have fit my list of preferred qualifications, when his private message reached my inbox.  I stared at the tiny black number one that was bordered by a yellow burst of color and for a moment wondered if it was really meant for me.  Not being out back then, I did not sport a picture of myself in my profile.  Everyone knows people who did not sport a profile picture rarely received any messages in a social network.  More so in a gay one.

I reached down and offered to unbuckle it myself.  He grunted and instead spun me to face the other way.  With his arms wrapped around me from behind, he slipped the belt free.  I could feel him hard and ready against me from behind.  His jeans did little to conceal that fact.

As rare as it was to get a message, the one he sent was far from conventional.   Most opened crudely with inquiries on one's preferred sexual role: Are you top?  Do you bottom?   His message, while far from the eloquence of Shakespeare, did stand out:

Was wondering if you were bored as I was tonight.  

Hitting a bar and was hoping to drag someone along with me to drink with.  

No promises.  Just company.  

It sounded smug.  Arrogant even.  And clearly, while written to not sound like a sexual invite, clearly implied that the idea was considered but left "on hold" pending actually meeting.   I glanced at the time and realized it was nearly midnight.  It took me barely a second to realize I too was bored.

My last meet up was a disaster.  The guy, while not unattractive, was far from what I had expected to see.  Photoshop seems to be liberally used on profile pictures as of the late, and his showed a greater mastery in the art of smoothening and blending.  His name never lingered in my head.  What did were the craters that marked his face by the unforgiving powers of acne.  But it wasn't his blatant act of deception of his looks or his apparent marked countenance that earned him the label of being an absolute bad night, it was his desperation to convince me to sleep with him.

Barely fifteen minutes into the conversation, Mr. Pimple asked nonchalantly, "So, you are a top, right?"  I was driving and tried not to scowl.  I failed miserably.  "Was that the only reason you wanted to meet up?"  I don't think he heard my reply.  Because what followed was an unabashed admission of how he liked it rough and dirty.

He ran his hands across my body, with his fingers coming to rest against my chest.  I did not have much of a body, I must admit.  Going to the gym was just a recently gained interest of mine.  His body suggested a much longer affair with free weights.    I was about to say something -- perhaps suggest we move to the bedroom -- but he quickly clamped one hand over my mouth and slowly shook his head.  I felt his rough chin brush against my nape as he did so.

I wanted to turn around and face him.  I wanted to kiss his lips and taste his tongue.  I wanted to see his eyes.  But his hand on my face held fast and firm, keeping me from moving.  His other hand pried free the buttons of my jeans and allowed the denim to hit the floor.  My body felt trapped underneath the rest of my clothes.  I strained to move, but his embrace had a power over me.  A control.  And while I knew I had the strength to push him aside, deep down I felt I did not want to.

"If you didn't want to fuck, why did you message back?"  I stared at Mr. Pimple and tried not to sneer at him.  He reached for my pants for the fourth time and I pushed his hands back like I had earlier.  I told him that wasn't what I wanted.  Was it too strange to want to actually spend the first night getting to know one another?  Was a conversation so alien a concept?  "You know, you can just fuck me quick and I'll head home.  At least my night won't be an utter waste."

I shoved him out of my car and left him cursing on the street.

A disaster.

But this time, the message sounded more like what I had been hoping to find.  I ran his words through my head again.  As bored as I.  Drink with.  No promises.  Company.  I quickly typed a reply and stated yes a drink would be nice.  My fingers moved faster than my brain and added how not having sex was fine too, but definitely not off the menu for future meet ups.  Thankfully, my eyes caught up and alerted me from clicking send in the nick of time.  I deleted the last two lines and kept it simple.  There was no need to sound like I was looking too far ahead.  No need to sound too anxious.

"Yes, a drink would be nice.  Where and what time?  I've got a car."

I stared at the full moon as I waited for the light to turn red.  I had a simple pair of jeans on and a plain white tee.  I wasn't much into clothes.  Didn't care for the labels.  He looked like he did.  Or at least his profile picture suggested that much.  Few people who cared little for clothing brands would ever have their picture professionally taken.  His clearly was.

He was standing at the corner where he said he would be, illuminated by the windows of a nearby convenience store.  His hair was longer.  Messier.  His clothes much simpler than his picture offered.  He was tall, just above six feet, and that made him taller than me.  A soul patch on his chin.  A cigarette lit against the night's cold.  I stopped the car and opened the door.  We exchanged hellos.  He waited to be invited in.

We drove to a nearby cafe and ordered something to drink.  We traded stories.   Hobbies.  Anecdotes on what we were interested in.  He shared his recent attempts to find new friends.  I shared my disaster stories.  We were both veterans in the search for friends in a sea that sold only sex.    We talked for hours and yet I barely felt the passage of time.   It was an exhilarating feeling though, to talk and feel like you could say anything freely.   And he gave me that.

I felt him pulling against his own pants.  His hand fumbled once more against the buttons.  I reached back to help.  He pulled my hands away.  I obeyed.  He kicked his pants off and I heard land a few feet away.  His hands grabbed my shirt and pulled it upwards, forcing my hands to rise up with the cloth.  Blind for that moment, I felt him clamp his hands over my chest.  Rough fingers hunted for my nipples.  He squeezed.  I shuddered.  I pulled the shirt over my head slid it completely free.  He squeezed again.   I wasn't sure when he slid his own shirt off, but when he pulled me close I felt his hairy body press against mine.  He was warm.  Comforting.  A heat against the cold of the metal chain around my neck.  In the feeble light, the crucifix reflected nothing but shadows.  

And then he pushed me against the wall.

We met a few more times.  We talked often.  Instant messengers were close allies.  Text messaging more so. Barely a week in, our conversations began to touch on things that were far more personal.  Dreams.  And the roots behind them.  Fears.  And the incidents that left their scars.  He learned of my last relationship.  Of the four long years of lies that I was never blind to.  I simply told myself it was better than being alone.

And he told me of his son.

We went out often, drinking and dancing at times, depending on the mood.  We never kissed.  We never flirted.  But oh, how we danced.  We moved with the music like the world ceased to spin.  We moved and we danced like it was a language we alone could speak.  We danced.  And we never danced with anyone else.

I felt him press against me again.  I felt his breath against my neck.  I wanted to speak.  I wanted to ask where this was leading to.  Was this the turning point?  Was this the time we finally admitted the presence of a growing desire that had been well nurtured those last few months?  Were we finally at that moment when we realized how much we had in common?  How little we had to fear of one another?  Was this the moment when the seed of friendship bloomed into something far more tangible?  Far more real?


I turned around and this time he relented.  He looked at my body, a stark white against the darkness, and slowly began to smile.  I was breathing heavily, uncertain if it was the time for words.  He was dotted with sweat and slid his thumbs behind the band of his boxers.

The rest of the world understood.  Our favorite haunts would open their doors for us when we arrived, together or on our own.  His favorite haunt was this place in Quezon City.  The second floor was exclusively meant for guests of the owner.  And Him.  But each time I showed up ahead of him, I would be allowed upstairs without a second thought.  It felt special.  It felt nice.

Waiters knew what our drinks were.  And the deejays played our songs.

Was I falling for him?  I wasn't sure then.  I was, however, happier than I had ever been.  I felt a connection and felt that was enough.   I felt my company was appreciated and enjoyed and thought nothing more of it.  He never flirted around.  I never felt I needed to.  We were just happy.  We were just together.

It was nearing the end of a friend's birthday party when I decided to ask if he wanted to come over.  I had never asked before.  He said yes.   We reached my house after half a bottle of tequila and a few more shots of Jagermeister.  He asked to use the bathroom.  I locked up and lead him to the closest one.  The lights were out and the windows were open.  The dawn was still an hour away.

We fumbled in the dark.  He stubbed his toe against an unseen chair.  I steadied him from falling.  He clutched his hands around my waist.  His hand found my belt.   He fumbled.

That was a few seconds ago.  

Now, we stared at each other's face.  We breathed in unison, feeling a growing passion that was fanning into a flame.  I think this is how it begins.  How passion grows into something far greater than one night stands. I think this is how one falls in love.

He reaches for his boxers.  I grin, excited to make love to the man who has grown to know me.  I am happy to know he knows me as well.

This was no one night stand.

"No promises."

And that quickly, it was cold again.

-----
In the Dark
a quickie fiction by tobie

Anything goes but don't blink you might miss

Last night was a blast!

Hot and Dangerous Bear on his Guard Shark.
These are definitely deadly waters, boys.

It seems my relationship with Rocky continues to be one that breaks new ground in so many ways.  After all those years, with the way our lives were moving as separate journeys in the past, one would have thought we would have seen everything there is to be seen.  Then a night like last night comes along and shows you how much more there is in our lives together to celebrate as a couple.


Last night, my partner and I along with our good musically-inclined friend hit O bar for another night of dance-able music, caffeinated beer, and campy fun!  Boy did last night deliver!  Rest assured tonight was a nice of quotable quotes, with my favorite one flowing in this manner:

"So, do you still think I made a mistake getting married so soon?"

"No, definitely not at all.  I'm now rethinking my lifestyle."

And in many ways, that quote captures how wonderful the night was.   While we both indulged in respectable levels of excess, our loyalties to one another never wavered, and once again the richness and strength of a strong and passionate relationship were again visible for all to see.   Visible enough for one to admit that a lifestyle of just one-night stands does not compare.

Not quite what I wanted to use,
but it is close enough I guess. 

I recall someone once attempting to "enlighten" me by telling me about how a relationship is nothing but a gilded cage.  There was another person who tried to question the strength of our commitment to one another, musing about us merely hanging on to each other with spider threads.  It can be sad how there really are people who are so against the idea of loyalty and relationships that they would have to spend much of their own time futilely attempting to erode a happy couple's life together.  But I guess one has to accept the fact that such people really exist.  To quote Fleetwood Mac, "Players only love you when they're playing."


(On a side note, as I type this, my Facebook account is having some weird quirk keeping me from accessing pages and even my own profile page.  While I'd like to think this was just some ISP related issue, the fact that my partner can freely surf on our wifi connection reinforces the fear that this may be another one of my "haters" activities.  I do hope I'm just being paranoid and this is some internal quirk on Facebook's side.)

Good show.  Just makes me wonder where its heart really is.

I wonder why the concept of a loyal stable relationship frightens so many people?  Part of me thinks it is in a great part the fault of shows like Queer as Folk which sensationalized and popularized the idea that a slutty, sex-focused life is the only viable life a queer can ever embrace.  The idea that relationships are pointless since love is nothing compared to the next throbbing boner that comes your way was epitomized by Gale Harold's character Brian Kinney.  It doesn't help that his motto embraces the idea that all straight people are out to hate us queers.   God knows I hate Brian and his shallowness.  He does have some level of depth, but his lack of willingness to embrace honesty just makes him less tragic and more pathetic in my eyes.  I wonder at times what Russel T. Davies had hoped to achieve by having Brian as the lead character in that show.   His Dr. Who episodes are sheer genius and represent the strength of human virtues in so many ways.   Was QAF merely his "release" of the baser things that define us?  Was there supposed to be a great "shift" in Brian's character that was due to come on the sixth season that never happened?  The American broadcast of the show had a disclaimer that read:

"Queer as Folk is a celebration of the lives and passions of a group of gay friends.

It is not meant to reflect all of gay society"

I can't help but wonder if so many people who despise relationships failed to read that particular disclaimer.  Part of me can't help but feel that as wonderfully real and touching the stories are in Queer as Folk, I would have hoped to have greater examples of the strength of committed gay relationships present in television.  Modern Family tries to do this, albeit in a funny way.  Four Weddings and a Funeral beautifully reflected a gay relationship without even having to declare the word, "gay."   I'm still having mixed feelings about Glee, since Curt seems to be too much of a show favorite at times, with his supposed demands for being accepted trampling over the rights of other people to have personal space.  Why I loved the way they portrayed how his father dealt with his coming out, I feel the show was a tad too biased when Curt's imposition of sharing a room with (the man he lusts for) his "brother" Finn lead to Finn demanding for personal space, but rather than showing how Curt was going too far, the show focused on Finn's outburst with the use of a "bad word."

The most non-stereotype gay couple on film ever.

Understandably, one can look at things in another perspective and ask, "Why should one define a successful relationship based on the Hollywood model of a happy straight relationship?  Why should the idea of one's life being a romantic comedy blockbuster be better than a sexually charged QAF episode?"   But the thing is, I'm not going for a Hollywood relationship.  I'm not looking for the happily ever after such movies claim to exist.  I'm not so immature to believe love literally conquers all.  


I do, however, believe that with everything is the act of making a choice.
And the choice to make a relationship work is a choice we all have the right to make.

Those who see a prison obviously mistake guarding something valuable as putting it in a cage.

Choosing to be in a relationship is not about choosing to be imprisoned.  Or choosing to live a boring life.  Oh no.  If anything, last night proves that a relationship that is strong and absolutely secure in its foundations can rock the night away with tongues waggling and eyes envious for more.


Last night was, simply put, Wow.
And let me tell you, no one is luckier than I was last night.
Why?





Because I am Rocky's.
And he is mine.

I found you.