I can relate

to quote the creator:

Published on Jul 7, 2014
So I'm tired of getting narrow minded comments and questions online questioning my sexuality. I decided to make a video and attempt to put this issue to bed once and for all. Hopefully I can put things in plain enough terms that even the most simple people out there can understand...

Lisa Simpson = Bisexual

Lisa Simpson = Bisexual

This was shared in Google Plus today by the Bisexual &Pansexual Community
Lisa Simpson comes out as Bisexual. On this year Simpson's Christmas Special "Holidays of Future Passed" we see Lisa having girlfriends at Uni before marrying Milhouse. Good to see more bi characters on telly

http://www.videozer.com/video/VoQvKz6
Check it out!
I am so proud of her.
:-)

Told You We Are Real

http://healthland.time.com/2011/08/23/scientific-study-finds-that-bisexuality-really-exists/
Yes, scientific affirmation at last.

Some question why the study is necessary.
Let me tell you this:  I personally know people who believe my being bisexual is a "phase" or just me being afraid to be identified as gay.    But whether they believe me or not is irrelevant to the fact that when I have feelings and sexual attraction to someone, it doesn't matter if they are male or female.

It is just sad how in the very community seeking to be accepted and respected as an equal, the said community tries to discriminate against bisexuals.

Score another one for Bisexuality

After strange rumors about her having a penis, Lady Gaga finally settles where she stands on the LGBT spectrum.    In the August issue of Advocate magazine, she talks about the idiocy of some claiming she is using the LGBT community to boost her sales, and after shares a revealing set of words:

From Advocate:

“My love for my gay fans is just pure, authentic love for them as supporters of me from the beginning, and me feeling connected to their struggles as someone who is a part of their fight,” she says. “(That’s) one of the most ridiculous statements anyone can make about me.”

“I would say the top thing I think about every single day of my life, other than my fans, loving the music, and my family being healthy, is social justice and equality.”

When asked if she is an actual member of the LGBT community — “Yes” 

“The b letter,” Gaga answers, and lets out a giggle.

So yes, to all you crazy people who think bisexuality doesn't exist, looks like there now is a new standing icon for us bisexuals you cannot ignore.  Thank you Gaga!

PG4M Question worth sharing: when did you realize?

realized:
Swimming class in DBTI.  Everyone was changing into their swimming trunks when I saw one of my classmates whom I always found somewhat... different.  As he changed, my eyes focused on the way his abdominals flexed as he bent foward to pull his briefs down from under the towel wrapped around his waist.

I gasped.

And discovered I had a boner.
Quickly ran to a nearby toilet cubicle, locked myself inside, and stared at my member.  It had betrayed me! First time ever!  I stared at its purplish proud head and tried to will it to descend.  Instead it began to throb and yearned for my touch.

Hay. naku.

Accept:
It would not be until a few more years before I'd finally accept I wasn't straight.
But those years were me struggling to understand why I wasn't "bakla" the way bakla was said to be (cross-dressing, high pitched talking as promoted by mass media icons roderick paulate, etc) but not macho either.  I had girlfriends who I really loved.  I had boyfriends who I really loved.  It was on my first year in college that I finally understood that I was bisexual.  Not a phase.  Not a confusion.  I loved men and women.  No change that.  I loved.  It didn't matter if it was a man or a woman.


---
From forum discussions on Pinoy Gay4Men v3.0 forums
Join now!

Celebrate the Freedom to Love!

Here's to celebrating IDAHO (International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia) this May 17.
http://www.dayagainsthomophobia.org

A friend shared to me this link of how Singapore is taking part in it.  I only wish there was also a more visible way Pinoys can take part in the celebration.

Even Lady Gaga herself is participating.  Here's her quote on the event:

"That Humanity could find Togertherness. We are all different and it is that which makes us the same.  Be yourself, love who you are and be proud. You were born this way, baby."

I'm hoping to take part in the As I Am campaign.  Probably gonna tell Rocky about it once he wakes up.  While I may have had a long part of my life denying who I was and hating who I am, I am proud to have finally come to a point where I can celebrate being me and have no fears of whether or not the world will accept me.

I am me.

My name is Tobie Abad, and I am a bisexual, and I am not afraid to love who I love.

I only hope you can say you have the freedom to love too.

So You're Finally Straight?

Have you ever met Roy G. Biv?

In the many years that I have been searching for my identity, I realized the truth that even in the gay community, there are very many shades of pink and very varied combinations of the rainbow. During my high school and college years, I can still recall how I used to struggle to find a role-model and others to relate with in terms of my then still emerging bisexuality. Having come from an extremely Catholic exclusive school for boys, when the first shades of the rainbow entered my life I was horrified and on the verge of suicidal. It felt like a blow from karma itself, considering my earlier grade school years were spent picking on the evidently gay classmates and beating them up. Thankfully, such idiotic machismo of the past were resolved with apologies way back, and I was back then left with the need to find others "like me" in a world that still believes the Virgin Mary made the sun dance.

I believe in miracles.  But those that "happen" in the Philippines... are just harder to believe.

I recall meeting many new faces and making lots of great friends. Some were straight, and some were gay. But more and more I saw that none of them were like me at all. The straight friends shared some interests of mine, but unlike me could barely tolerate theater musicals or Kylie Minogue. My gay friends loved the empress Kylie herself, but then were also into other music divas and were definitely far more effeminate and opinionated over things that I could relate with. The moment I walked to share my musings on the hot soccer player in my class, my straight male friends would shake their heads and helpfully suggest I just wank one off to calm myself down. I was just going through a phase, they would say. Til I found the right girl. When, on the other hand, I would gab about the sexy lady who agreed to be my photography model, my gay friends would call me traitor or claim I was still pretending to be straight and far to chicken to admit I was a fag. I didn't get it. Why were both sides of my life saying I didn't exist.

And that really sucked.

I AM NOW!

Nowadays, thankfully, the world has learned to see the rainbow and all its colors. Don't get me wrong, there are still a huge portion of the world that fails to grasp the broader and more accepting scope of human sexuality. But at least I do know now that real honest-to-goodness bisexual guys like me who loves cock and pussy and breasts, armpits and ass and all do actually exist. I am not alone. And while there are many still close-minded amusingly "just as homophobic as homophobes" gay guys out there, the kind of gay men who think all bisexuals are just confused or afraid to admit they are gay, there also are many who know that people like me can love another regardless of how the said other goes through puberty.

I wrote about this topic much more animatedly with a clear evident sense of frustration in my entry called The Battle for Bisexuality. I sort of cover it again today because I found myself thinking of the time many people who met me a few years back when I was still with my then girlfriend would ask, "So does this mean you are finally straight?"

One man's drama, another man's... well... drama.

Why think of that all of the sudden? Because it made me remember how many people who have embraced me as me and are proud to be my friend are really still thinking of bisexuality as just a transitional period.    I don't blame them for not knowing any better.  After all, if during my time, I was struggling to find good role models and information regarding my sexuality, I can imagine that now in the age of Google and Facebook, the search for reliable information regarding bisexuality can still be daunting.  The internet after all is filled with information:  a lot of it born from ignorance and hate, some of it born from actual wisdom, and occasionally a gem that has precisely what you need to know but is the hardest to find.

So here, in this post, I thought I'd share two links which I feel are very nice write-ups on both the myths that people tend to believe about bisexuality, as well as a broad coverage of the many facets of the gay rainbow.

They should have an episode devoted to rainbow myths.

The myths were tackled by the Bi's and Allies caucus of Pride at UIC.    They nicely list down the top seven misconceptions people tend to have about bisexuality including the myth that a bisexual person can never be faithful to one person, and that straight society actually accepts bisexuals more.

Sorry, I know she's a great person, but I still find her unibrow scary.

The other is the GOT QUEER campaign of Simon Fraser University which nicely adapts the "Got Milk" ads into an awareness movement to help bring out better gender sensitivity.  The campaign actually touches on a very wide gamut of things, and for sure there will be some who will question their choice of terms.

Ultimately, I am still happy to know such resources do exist now and if there are any still closeted guys and girls out there who actually love reading my blog, I hope these two links help you find your way.  Coming out is not just all hype and melodrama.  There really are advantages and very powerful emotionally fulfilling memories born from the act of taking that stand to proclaim you are not afraid of being yourself.  I hope that someday, you will find the courage I too found when I came out to my parents.

Yes to love in all forms.  Love!

All we want to do is love the people we love, after all.
Given all the misconceptions and lies bandied around about us, the least you can do for yourself is be proud of who you are and prove them wrong.

Is Tom Strong Strong Enough?

Read this earlier tonight and found myself amusedly thinking about the geekwood entry I posted on Tom Strong. DC Comics has been making interesting moves as of the late (with one of the biggest ones I question being the removal of certain popular Vertigo characters from the Vertigo universe due to legalese I rather ignore.)  With DC comic's cancellation of the Wildstorm line, Tom Strong sadly was to be one of its casualties.

Ooops, wrong Tom.  Then again  I guess you don't mind either.

In some ways, this did make me think about change in general.  About how things may become familiar to us that sometimes, while change may be good, the idea of letting go of something familiar can be a horrific idea.  Life has its moments where change can be good or bad.  Whether it be the small things such as changing the brand of soap you buy, or bigger things like choosing to move to another city, change will always have repercussions one way or another.

But what we forget is, while change may seemingly be inevitable, it does not mean it cannot be productive.

Ang matakot, talo.

Most of the time, the resistance to change is the fear of something new.  Familiarity is always a powerful comfort zone, even if what is familiar may be unhealthy or unwise.   Finding the courage to take a step towards something new can be difficult, but if one learns to focus on the facts, one can see the wealth of opportunity waiting ahead of them.  I recently learned to cook and for a long time, I refused to step outside the omelets and fried food I was making.  My partner insisted I try doing other things and eventually even got us an oven toaster to help me take a brave step away from the frying pan and into the baking oven.     Now, thanks to his support and faith in me, I have made a few new baked dishes, learned to even take a stab at doing more interesting salads (you should try my Cilantro-Eggplant salad one time!) and have dreams of actually moving towards baking my own bread and cooking steaks!

I love this book.
Someone should make a movie out of it.

Many also forget that change will always need time.  If you've made a habit of using Internet Explorer for years, the thought of switching to Chrome or Rockmelt might sound like too much effort.  Or might even be seen as *hard* since it will mean having to learn how to do things a bit differently.   I recall how I used to hate  the new World of Darkness system, with its strange similar-yet-different feel to the old Storyteller system that I loved.  I used to despise how it felt more like it had influences from d20 and tried to make things seem so basic.  But now, I find it hard to jump back to the old version of the rules.  After some time of getting used to the new system, I have realized what the creators knew and wanted me to learn; the new system is so streamlined you can not only easily mix their products into the game but was simple enough new players can grasp the idea with a single session!   If you take into account the fact that time will be needed to start to actually feel how the change is a good thing, you will at least be making a far better judgement call in the end.

Admit it!  You also at first thought Robot Unicorn Attack was stupid,
until you played it and ended up LOVING it!

And lastly, one must always remember that change will only truly reflect what it offers if you give it an honest chance.    Diets tend to suffer from this the most.  When a change is experienced, many far too quickly declare it a failure because they never really gave it an proper chance.  Once I told myself I would never get into driving.  While young, I actually already learned to drive my mother's car.  But far too quickly, I dismissed the freedom driving brought because I knew once I could drive I would eternally be the person my parents order around to buy stuff.  So I ditched the skill and proclaimed, "I don't like driving.  I prefer the freedom of walking around."  While it was partly true, the joys of walking and commuting were not joys that I would deny myself once I started driving.  They were just joys I used as an excuse to stop.   I, too quickly, shot down the chance for driving to be a true experience.  But now, with a few more years of being behind the wheel under my belt, I am extremely grateful a good friend of mine helped me find the courage to get back behind the wheel.  

So why is this a blame it on the rain,bro article?  As I was thinking of what to blog about today, I found myself thinking about a number of things.  Among them was how a friend of mine who seemed to believe she was unlucky in love.  All the guys she had met were sweet and sincere, but after some weeks of sex and dating, would drop her to find the next warm body.  I suggested to her that maybe what she needed to do was to simply spend the nights out enjoying time with her friends rather than hunting down a boyfriend.   "Try to find time to just enjoy being you.  Stop trying to always be the person the other one wants.  And stop thinking you can't be happy as yourself."  She never tried.  She thought the idea was too weird.  She felt the idea meant she was "giving up" (although what she was giving up I never understood) and as far as I know, she is still diving into clubs hoping to find her Mr. Right in the very place where Mr. OneNightStand simply hangs out.     There is also the other friend who used to think the bar I love was a dump.  The friend was a regular of this bigger bar; a place that equated expensive entrance fees and even more expensive drinks as a symbol of class.  While the bar I loved was a single-storey venue with a cozy floor area and affordable prices, his was a veritable palace of a dance club with numerous floors, peek-a-boo friendly restrooms and enough disco-lights to blind a star.   A few years back, I invited the said friend to a birthday party to check out the place, enjoy the company and have some drinks.   Nowadays, I find myself bumping into him on some nights, there with a host of his friends, enjoying the place.  I wonder sometimes if I should ask.  But then again, doing that might just raise his defenses about it.

Yeah... don't expect love in a place where sex is the main point.

But yes, change can be good.

My coming out was a huge change.  I had a host of things to be afraid of, and frankly even until now there are some things related to my coming out that make me worry.  But overall, the change has been for the best:  I don't have to lie to my parents anymore.  I don't have to pretend my partner is just my friend.  I don't have to act like gay bashing is something I am okay with when family members might happen to do it.  I don't have to make excuses on why I'd spend "certain" days or nights with my partner anymore.  They know I am with the guy I love and they know that on some days of the month, he becomes my priority over everyone else.    And even better, I know now that I can honestly share with them why he makes me happy.  And how I make him happy too.    Our relationship, save for the fact it is homosexual rather than heterosexual, is pretty much seen the same way as any other:  our business.  They are HUGE changes.  Especially for someone who spent the better part of his life making excuses whenever his bisexual heart fell for a person who had a cock.

Me and my partner.
No, we aren't just "best friends."

Change can be very good.  And while it will always be scary, change should always be given some level of consideration before being thrown out of the options immediately.

So I guess, I guess I just need to remind myself of that and do what I can to bring it to a more positive direction.  Tom Strong, here's hoping to see you in print again someday soon.  Wildstorm or not, I believe you will find more readers willing to shell out money to support you.

Let us meditate on the immortal words of Charlie Chaplin:

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles."

(although admittedly, I have no idea when he said this.  Doesn't he usually perform absolutely silent?)

The Battle for Bisexuality

I hate the fact that many don't understand the real meaning of being bisexual.  Or at least many here in the Philippines intentionally misuse the term for their own purposes.  For those who don't know what I mean, allow me this chance to explain.  Bisexuality is more than just a gay guy who happens to have dated a woman in the past.  Bisexuality is also more than just a gay guy who happens to act masculine.  Bisexuality is definitely more than just a guy who is confused or in denial and is too afraid to embrace the term gay.

But sadly, and I speak about the gay circles in the Philippines, those misconceptions are more often than not believed to be truths.  I have met people who insist that they are bisexual because many years back they actually dated a woman at one point in time.  There have been encounters with groups that call themselves bisexual groups, a definition that they mis-appropriately believe applies to them simply because they avoid all the visible cosmetic, stylistic and audible cues that categorize a person as homosexual.  And sad but true, there have been those whom I have met who are quite frankly gayer than a rainbow unicorn in heels who insist with a straight face that they are bisexual and don't understand why people assume they are gay.

And born from the corruption of the term is the blanket injustice of many claiming bisexuality does not exist.  The term bisexual has been wrongly equated by many to be the clearest sign of a person being homophobic of oneself and afraid of simply embracing the g word.

I am more than just infidelity, damn it.

Even worse, in the Philippines, the closest local term to refer to a bisexual is silahis, which actually translates to "a married guy who sleeps with men."  So rather than just in denial, bisexual is horribly defined as "a specific form of infidelity."   Ugh.

But no matter how many choose to exploit the term bisexual, its true meaning deserves to be understood, accepted and embraced.

I am a bisexual.
And I remain proud to be one.
I have always been one.  And I will always be one.
I am not in a phase.  I am not in denial.
And I am damned sure I am not the only one.

Our three official symbols.

Why do I say I am one?  It isn't because of the fact I don't like wearing cosmetics or women's clothing.  It has nothing to do with the fact that I have no illusions of seeing myself as a woman trapped in a man's body.  It is not because most people would have trouble accepting the fact that I am not straight, even if my manner of moving, the intonations of my speech, or my choice of clothing would support the idea that I am a guy, and a geeky guy at that. It does somewhat stem from the fact I have had girlfriends in the past (including one I already had dreams of getting engaged with at one point in time) but that's just part of the reason.  And it definitely is not because I am afraid of being identified or called gay.  I have come out to my parents and to the world.  I am proud and out in my many blogs, on my facebook account, and in each day of my life.  In fact, I embrace the term "gay" since the term does officially encapsulate anything that is not straight.

What makes me clearly identify myself as bisexual is knowledge that in all the times that I have fallen in love with someone, and by love I mean felt an emotional connection with another person that includes sexual attraction, intellectual stimulation and an emotional bond, it never mattered to me if that person was a man or a woman.  The other person's gender was never a factor.

"Impossible!"  some would declare, "To fall in love with another, regardless if that person had a dick or a pussy?  How is that possible even?"

But that's just how it really is for me.  In my life, I've learned that my reciprocity of another person's passions was lot hindered by a person's sex.  I have found myself completely engaged in women just as much as in men, with only the individual's personality being a key factor if I were to try to decide who do I like more.

I have heard of what most naysayers proclaim:  Surely, there is one I lean more towards.  Surely, if I perfer men more, I should be gay and not bisexual.  Or gay but in denial.    But what does it mean if I prefer women more?  Am I straight but pretending?

Ultimately, however, with my own experiences as evidence, I have come to understand my bisexuality as being able to love another person regardless of the person's sex.   And if given a choice between a man and a woman, my answer would be:  Well I'd choose whoever between the two I did love more.

"But what if you loved them equally?  Absolutely equally in all accounts?  Who would you choose?"

In all honesty, if such an unlikely scenario occurred, my answer would be, "Both."

A few weeks back, I got into an argument while chatting with one of my gay friends.  We were discussing about the strange need of people to define everything when out of the blue, my friend declared, "What I hate the most is the term bisexual.  It doesn't exist.  No one can ever really love a man or a woman.  Everyone who ever claimed to be bisexual is actually simply someone in denial about his being gay."

Had I never had my Jedi training, my friend would have felt me reach through the internet connection, wrap the projected tendrils of force around his neck, then pull him closer to smash his face against the screen. Not exist?  I don't exist!?!  I sarcastically reminded him that he was talking to a non-existent being, and rather than realize he had touched a nerve, the guy simply continued, "Not anymore right?  I mean, you are seeing a guy now.  So you've accepted you're gay."

Maybe you're all bisexuals in denial.

EXCUSE ME?  Get it in your head, boy.  Who I am dating does not define my gender.  Who I sleep with does not define my sexuality.  If that were true, then prisons are homosexual factories, considering how many men end up getting banged in the ass in there.  But clearly, the act is not the same as the identity of a person.  Not every gay guy who gets drunk and ends up messing around with a girl is bisexual.  They're just drunk and horny.  And likely a tad curious.  But bisexual?  Please.

If all it took was an act, then being gay is just an alternate form of rape.
Clearly, that's not the case.

After all these years of harping the need for the world to accept and recognize that homosexual men and women exist, I find it terribly sad that the same group would be so clearly willing to do the same thing that they have long marched and chanted and pushed against: Discrimination.  Being gay has been equated as a disease, as a phase, as a form of insanity... and for years there has been a push to understand it more as either  a choice, or either as a card that life hands you regardless of what you wanted.    Why can't the same thing be seen to apply to being bisexual?  Or even being heterosexual?

Equality for all.
That includes bisexuals, you know.

Has the need to find acceptance been confused with wanting to blanketly call the world gay and just in denial?
And do we bisexuals need to have our own stonewall incident happen before we too are no longer discriminated by our fellow non-straight friends?

I am bisexual.

And I am loyal to my partner.  Just because I find men and women attractive doesn't mean I am unable to keep myself aware of my own decisions.  Infidelity is not the defining trait of one's gender.  So why should bisexuality be confused as such.

Here's hoping within my lifetime a greater and more intelligence acceptance of bisexuality happens.
Like every one else, after all, we only want to be recognized and accepted as equals.

Geekwood: Ianto Jones

Fans of the Dr. Who spin-off series Torchwood would for certain remember him for his endearing good looks and charming personality.  While clearly John Barrowman's Captain Jack Harness would be the hot hunk for many gay men out there, my vote still goes to the man known to us as Ianto Jones.  Played by Gareth David-Lloyd, Ianto Jones was at first just the guy who makes tea for the members of Torchwood.  But as the episodes began to gain momentum, so did his role in the story.

He looked soooo young and innocent when he was first introduced.

Like myself, Ianto had heterosexual relationships in the past before he finally found the man who made him feel special.  While things may have started far more casual in the beginning, the feelings he had for Captain Jack slowly deepened into something far more important and genuine.

Flirtations with the boss.

Alas, it was in the Children of Earth story arc where Ianto's fate would finally be revealed.  In what seemed like a cosmic act of irony, Captain Jack's willingness in the past to sacrifice 12 children to the aliens known only as the 456 comes back to haunt him with the man who has won his heart paying the price.  Ianto Jones dies in Captain Jack's arms as the aliens release a fatal virus in the Thames House.

I just knew it... I just knew he was going to die.
The hands said it all!

Ianto showed a loyalty towards both his lover and his team in more ways than one.   While the fan following was strong enough for him to return in other spin-off installments of Torchwood (such as in a comic which explores Ianto living as an alternate reality, or in the Torchwood audio drama books which also have a greater exploration of the chemistry he shared with the group's immortal leader), his passing is a painfully beautiful reminder of how fleeting and precious each and every moment of time actually is. 

Didn't like the art much here.  They all look wrong.

In one of the audio books, Ianto watched over a comatose Captain Jack and considered his role in the life of a man whose timeline was greater than anything Ianto could ever hope to match.   He ends up speaking of his thoughts aloud, sharing his insecurities of being so insignificant in the life of someone who was literally immortal:

I wish I could meet you at a convention someday.
And yes, keep the fuzz.  It works!

"But let's be honest, Jack. I'm… nothing more than a blip in time for you, Jack. 

Every day, I grow a little older. But you're immortal. 

You've already lived a thousand lifetimes. 

How could you watch me grow old and die? 

How can I watch you live and never age a day?"

But Jack awakes from his coma and eventually promises him, 

"You will never be just a blip in time, Ianto Jones."

ADORABLE.  And the bears are cute too.

Now, I know many are probably out there wondering why would I feature such a dorky looking guy for this week's geekwood entry.  The guy doesn't look like a hunk.  He clearly fails to deliver a good set of abs.  Some would even consider his receding hairline a huge reduction on any hotness scale.  But for me, Ianto embodies a bisexual man who truly deserves to be recognized and remembered.  His loyalty and compassion were balanced well against his desire to remain logical and structured.  He was an example of strength and fortitude, yet had a sensitive and empathetic side which most men would be too afraid to show.  He is smart, attractive, and charming and dresses very well for someone who might have to square off against some alien monstrosity any time of the day.

Here he is all older, more rugged, and still damn fashionable.

And lastly, he knows "the lots of things one can do with a stopwatch."


You can't beat that, eh?





While there are many people who wish Ianto would come back, and others have even considered their own ways of how it can happen, I am one of those who feel his death should be left alone and respected for the impact is has made both in the show and to the viewers.   Too often, the death of pivotal characters is too easily retconned or rewritten for the sake of ratings or sales.  I would rather Ianto's story remains as it currently is, with any further exploration done instead through flashbacks or other similar devices.





But yes, it would be nice if Ianto Jones somehow still does appear in Torchwood's later incarnations (be it the BBC or the American spin-off).   I wouldn't mind it too much if he reemerges as some kind of Virtual Intelligence Butler in the computers, sort of like a ghost in the machine, that retains all of the original Ianto's memories but knows he isn't the same being... or even just as flashes of his time in Captain Jack's life whenever Jack turns a tad introspective over how things have changed so quickly.

Oh to have my own Virtual Ianto on my laptop!

For those who want to see more of Gareth David-Lloyd, be happy to know he had a recent Sherlock Holmes movie by the masters of rip-offs The Asylum where he plays the role of Dr. Watson.   

I actually find him hotter than Jude Law.

He also is the frontman of a progressive metal band named Blue Gillespie.  

I definitely know of people who'd love to see more skin.
For now, at least we get some armpit teasing!

So here's hoping the writers find a way to get our lovable man back on the show.  Ianto Jones, if only that "stopwatch" meant you were actually just hiding your secret Gallifreyan identity.  And yes, here's hoping that in real life, we are all never just blips of time in someone else's life.

Coming out and its many layers

I used to be content that only my friends knew.

I wasn't your stereotypical son, though.  In the early years, my parents saw me as the strange and irritating child who loved to be loud and act crazy.  I always made faces in family pictures.  I always indulged in horror movies while the rest of the family found them disturbing.  I hated sports.  Though I was active in running, then later tennis, and even much later, swimming, I was the kid who could score a three-point shot while running around the basketball court screaming, "I HATE THIS GAME!"

Yep, stepping out of the closet required image here. 

And I loved Halloween.

Every year I'd host these huge parties, dressing up the separate house where we used to hold the parties with artwork and decor that I'd come up with through the creative use of newspapers, latex paint, crepe paper and  foil.  My Halloween parties were legendary (at least among my friends) and so were my costumes.  From Freddy Kreuger to Giger's Alien, I dressed up in many disturbing costumes and usually even had my own tiny act to accompany it.

My first crush was a girl.  She had the sweetest smile and the deepest blue eyes.  I met her in Bukidnon and I found myself wondering if I'd ever see her again.

But the first person I fell in love with was my best friend.  He and I used to hang out nightly either at the nearby alleyway or at the village park, to stare at the stars, to smoke cigarettes, and to talk about life.  We would talk about our hopes, dreams and fears and we would only stop talking when we felt the dawn creeping close.

My high school years were horrible.  I was starting to realize my sexuality then, after a horrifying moment in gym class when a boner sprung out unexpectedly on me while the rest of my classmates were getting dressed to take a swim.  I locked myself in a dressing chamber and prayed for it to fade away.  The years to follow were filled with me being insulting and cruel to the evidently gay classmates we had.  It wasn't because I was envious of their freedom, as many writers would try to claim.  For me, it was because I could not stomach I was "one of them."

I tried to kill myself a few times after.  Being from a religious family, I didn't want this horrible secret to leak out and taint the family name.   It took three attempts to lash myself, and three "coincidences" happening to stop me for me to wake up to the truth that I wasn't meant to do that.  The last one had a classmate calling me out of nowhere at 3a.m. to tell me he had a dream demanding I needed his help.  That classmate saved my life and even now, I doubt he remembers it ever happened.

Eventually, I told my best friend.  One night on the way home from our usual talks, I threw out the question, "What would you do if I was gay?"  He laughed at the question and though it was absurd.  Before he headed home, I threw out a, "By the way, that question earlier?  I am."  And didn't hear from him for the next day.   The following day, however, he showed up and we were just as we always were.  He told me, "I realized you were still you.  So it shouldn't be a problem."

We're still friends.  He's married and with kids.  But we aren't as much in touch as before anymore.

In college, it was easier to find others to talk to about myself.   But it was harder to make sense of things.  Unlike many who abuse the term, I was an honest-to-goodness bisexual who loved and passionately made love to people, regardless if they were men or women.  In college, there were the loud gays and the quiet secretive ones.  I decided I was more like the quiet ones.

Friends new.  Teachers new.  A fellow student even had me in a documentary (which I believe is still in DLSU's archives) on me talking about threesome relationships and why mine worked (for only 9 months though, after which all the lies were revealed and I had to start over).  But family, no they never knew.

I first came out to my brother.   One night he dragged me out with him to a fastfood chain to talk to me about something that was greatly worrying him.  As it turned out, he and his girlfriend were getting serious and he wasn't sure how to break the news to our parents.  I told him, "You have it easy.  Trust me.  Guess what my problem is?"  And when I told him, he agreed.  I was gonna have it tough.

A few years later, I came out to my mother's eldest brother.  He was in the theater industry and was for certain much more open-minded about these things.  He consoled me and congratulated me on my bravery and admitted that my mom would probably find it hard to just accept things.  "Give it time," he reminded me, "But tell her when you are sure it is time."

"Huli ka!"

During all these passing years, I had relationships.  Guys.  Girls.  My parents knew all my girlfriends.  Some they loved.  Others they hated.  My parents met all my boyfriends.  They were all my "new bestfriends" in their eyes.  Deep down I suspected they already knew.  There was that NewYorker skirt my mom gave me one Christmas supposedly, "In case you needed a skirt for a theater play."   There were the gay porn magazines I once found suddenly neatly arranged (by date!) in their hiding place.  There was also that time I was having sex and left the phone off the cradle, only to have my dad buzz my room asking me to put it down.  Oh and there was that one time I was giving someone head when someone tapped at my window.  But I guess it was safe to say they didn't see anything. Hear though, I feared they had.  The guy was moaning pretty loud.

Yep, not all bisexuals are just guys afraid to admit they're gay.

My girlfriends all knew I was bisexual.  I always told them this fact before things got serious.  All admitted they were okay with it, but later would admit it wasn't the easiest thing to be okay with.  Many friends still feel I let "the right one go".  Personally, I think regardless of how things went, me and they all left with something new learned in their hearts and minds.

I had gotten so used to living between words and hiding relationships between definitions that I didn't think I'd ever need to come out.  So what if they always thought I had a best friend over?  So what if they never knew I loved him more than I thought I could ever love anyone else?

Then he came.  How the relationship started is an epic tale in itself - and yes it involves Transformers, dragons, songs, wavelengths, and tears, but that's a story for another day.  What it did bring was a sudden desire once again to be recognized.   To have our relationship recognized.   To be proudly able to say, "I am with him."

It took me a year to get ready.  It took me a year to weigh the odds:  Would I be thrown out of the house?  Can I survive without my parents being part of my life?  Am I really ready to do this?  Within that year, I took steps that prepared me for the final leap.  My partner and I marched on Gay Pride (which so many ignore and instead focus solely on the White Party) and I felt the anger and sadness for the people who were there to tell me I was evil and should not exist.  I heard the protesters rage about how I was bringing the end of the world.  I realized I needed to speak up.  I wanted to show we weren't the horrors they all thought.  I found strength in what my partner Rocky told me:  "Coming out is always a personal choice."  Part of me knew he was instrumental in this resurgence of wanting to be recognized, but he was right.  If I were to come out, it had to be because I wanted to.  Not because I was doing it for him.   Not because I had to.

And I realized, yes I wanted to.

Given all the cons of coming out, the pain and the possibilities of being disowned, I realized I wanted to be recognized as me.  I wanted to be honest about who I was.  I didn't want to be hidden between the lines anymore.  At least not to my parents.  Every year, my birthday was a day I'd get depressed seeing it as another year my parents did not know their own son.

I wanted them to know me.

And so I did.  One night, I told my parents I needed to talk to them.  April 21st.  It was the point of no return.    And finally, when we spoke, it was a moment I will always remember.  There were tears.  There were painful moments.  But there was also an unmistakable aura of love and strength.  My parents were finding it hard to accept, and much to my surprise never thought I was gay.  I didn't want to clarify that I was bisexual at first to make it easier for them, but when they asked about my girlfriends it didn't feel right for them to think they were all just foils to hide the truth.  But I came out, and in the end, they admitted that nothing will ever change the fact they love me and want me to be happy.

Now my parents know the whole story.

Breaking out at last!

They know about the fact I am living a happily geeky gay life with my partner and while they admit they aren't ready to see him yet or have me too openly talking about him, I feel overjoyed to know they know my life and  not just the lie I used to keep surrounding them.

They asked me to give them time, and I realize I at least will give them that.  I have yet to proclaim myself to the rest of the family that I am gay, but then again I don't really see the need to.  After all, I'm not hiding.  My blog and facebook profile openly speaks of my relationship and status.  My life openly reflects my lifestyle.   I have had some net savvy extended family members contact me and offer words of support.  But I've also had others who haven't heard the "chismis" and are still left in the dark.  My Lola recently asked me if I was still single.  I replied, "Tell you more about it next time Lola.  Best siguro ask my Mom.  But I want you to know I am very very happy and very very well cared for."

The Many Layers of Inception.
Pwedeng analogy to the many layers of the closet!

I like this feeling of being honest with myself and to others.
I understand that coming out has its layers.  Sometimes you can't quite come out completely in one go.  Some have the choice stripped from them.  Others choose to limit the circle of knowledge to what's convenient or comfortable for them.  But ultimately, coming out empowers.  And is a personal reminder to yourself that yes you can be who you are and not be afraid.

My name is Tobie Abad and I am proud to say I've come out.
I am proudly living with my partner, Rocky, and you can read about his coming out story here.
I hope others in time find the right moment for them to choose to do the same.
There will always be excuses and reasons not to.
But the choice to do so will always be yours unless you wait for the time it will be taken from you.

From One Closet to Another

Strange but true, I am starting to realize I might have to lie even when I actually finally come out to my parents.

You see, I am and have always been and shall always continue to be bisexual.  I find both men and women attractive.  I have had long term relationships with either.  I have considered being in a lifetime relationship with either.  To be more brutally frank (at the risk of being rude) I like cock as much as I love pussy.

And I am starting to realize when the time finally comes when I get to come out to my parents, I will have to lie to them and say I am simply, "gay."

Don't get me wrong, though.  I am gay.  I am gay cause gay does, for me, mean a person who is not straight.  Gay is  a person who does get attracted to, and would be willing to have a long term relationship with someone of the same sex.

So yes, I am gay.

Too.

Cause I also am, using that narrow definition "straight."
Cause straight is a person who gets attracted to the opposite sex, and would be willing to have a long term relationship with one.

So yes, I am straight.

Too.

If one were to be more honest, however.  Both implies a "but not with" clause that would then force me to embrace a more honest but grossly misused and abused term, "bisexual."  It is a sad but true fact that most of the time, people who call themselves bisexual are either:  too afraid to admit they are gay, just confused and still experimenting both sides, or simple misunderstanding the term to mean being masculine and gay.

But it isn't.  

A bisexual is someone who gets attracted to either sex, and would be willing to have a long term relationship with either sex as well.  Or in my case, someone who doesn't really care what the sex of the person is -- if I like the person, then I do.  Dipping in, being dipped into, or doing both at the same time are all just additional perks and ways to manifest your love for the person further.

I am bisexual.

But yes, sadly, come the day I come out I will have to lie.  On the day I finally see that my parents are ready (and healthy enough) to hear the truth, I will stand up before them and tell them, "Mom.  Dad.  I need you to know your son.   I am gay."  And on this day when I face the music and threat of being disowned, and hopefully not risk their health and mental stability in the same process, I will have to hurt them with this much more acceptable lie.

Much more acceptable?

Why?

Because if I were to tell them I what I am really - if I were to admit to them I am bisexual - then they would never ever accept the fact that I have chosen a man to become my partner for life.  They would always (and rightly have the idea) that I can still someday end up with a woman.  It isn't a wrong thing to think, after all, strictly speaking as definitions go, I can end up with a man or a woman.  But it would not be something I think healthy for them to live with for the rest of their lives.

I can't leave them holding on to a real, though extremely unlikely, hope.

To tell them I am just gay will still, yes, have them wish I could choose a woman still.  Stories about of the many parents who know of their gay sons or daughters and secretly (or in some cases, still openly) nurse the idea that their non-straight child will "break from the phase" or miraculously fall in love with the "right" gender.  Deep down, no matter how they hope however, such parents know they are lying to themselves and merely in denial of what their child has admitted themselves to be.

But to actually know and understand the child CAN still choose the gender they desire the child to have... that would be far more torturous.

No, I will have to lie to them.
I will have to let them believe I could never love women.
I will have to become a closeted bisexual, who will come out to them as gay, after years of being in the closet and letting them continue to believe I am straight.

It is the only way to make it easier for them to accept that I have found who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he's not going to be someone they can ask me to replace.

Bisexual Pride will have to wait.