Woke up feeling pretty frustrated and slightly angry today from a dream which touched on a number of personal topics. The dream started with me and my sister Tracy standing at some street corner with a pair of wigs on. I wore this weird brown wavy number while she wore this blonde tall wig. And you know how in dreams, you "know" why something is happening? Well, in this case it was me "knowing" it was because she had no time to fix her hair before we stepped out, so good thing I "had" wigs in my bag. WTF right? Anyway, we walked down a few blocks and eventually stopped at a bus station which had a mirror-like wall. There, we saw how bad the wigs looked and noticed they had heated the air between them and our heads that our heads now looked nicely stylishly done. So we removed the wigs and waited for the bus.
While waiting, I noticed down the road my ex-girlfriend walking with her family. I then realized that in the dream, we were in Canada. I felt worried that if they saw me, I would ruin their Christmas. (This is the point in the dream I "knew" it was set during the Christmas season). So I ducked behind the waiting seats so they wouldn't see me. My sister looked at me oddly and told me the bus was here. So I stood up and hurriedly boarded the bus, but in my eagerness to get on board, two things happened: 1) She noticed me and turned away, with a frown on her face. 2) my clothes somehow got all left behind. So I boarded the bus with nothing but a towel around my waist.
In the bus, my family was there. My mom and dad were on the rearmost seat. My brother, Ate Ives, and the two kids Sophie and Jam were there on the next row. And finally it was me and Tracy. Behind us, a lot of other people. This was the part that got painfully frustrating for me. In the dream, my mom suddenly starts talking about how, "It is annoying how you have these people who think they have the right to be married."
I realized suddenly she was referring to marriage being given as a right to gay people like me. Suddenly I realized that was why we were in Canada. In the dream, it was to attend the wedding of someone, and there happened to also be a wedding between two guys in the horizon.
I spoke up, "I think it is more about how sad that there are people who think others should not have that right."
My mom, in the dream, shook her head and said, "Ay, I will say no more about it."
But this time I pressed on.
"You know how back in the older times, women were not permitted to work, or show their clothing, or how pork and shellfish was not permitted, or how playing with pig skin was even seen as wrong. These are all
in the Bible too. But now, these are either considered normal or acceptable. Why? Because they REVISED it."
My mom chided in, "Exactly they revised it... but no one has revised that gay people should.."
I interrupted, "But that's my point. The only reason people view that we can't get married is because no one has revised it yet. All are just falling back on the "it is traditionally seen as wrong" as an excuse. There is no actual logical reasoning behind it. And that's what is sad."
My mom, in the dream, looked away in contained disappointment.
I still pressed on. "Women made a stand. They expected equality, and perhaps it hasn't been fully won, but it has been enough that women do have the freedom to get jobs now. Women do have a recognizable role now outside just being the housewife. Women gained a voice. Now, it is our turn to gain a voice. Our turn to expect revisions to what has simply been excused away as tradition. It is our turn to be given the right to be treated as equally as EVERYONE ELSE."
They remained silent. I felt so angry I wanted to scream.
But then I woke up...
... to a phone call from my Mom reminding me I had to go to Paranaque today for my Dad's birthday mass and dinner. Yep. Can you imagine the struggle I felt with my emotions being raw that moment and the phone in my hand just a few key presses away from contacting her. Gah. I didn't answer. I just cooled my head off, then texted back, "I'll be there."
That was in some ways cathartic. But in some ways, a reminder of the truth of where I do stand in life so far. I am very happy to be sharing my life with
rOckY. I am very lucky to be with a family that still accepts and loves me. I am very fortunate to have lived my life as I have, with every single experience adding up to what made me who I am. But I shouldn't forget that there are still some emotional issues that are, out of courtesy or whatever other reasons, do stay mum about their own emotional conflicts with me. And that's just the way it really is. People deal with things in their own way.
And maybe, just maybe, we all learn to open our eyes a little bit more.
See the bigger picture. And embrace what truly is best for everyone.
