The Illusion of Perfection

I always thought he was cute.

Why is it that so many people, both gay and straight, are obsessed with this misunderstanding of what being perfect is?  I was at O bar Ortigas earlier tonight, my favorite haunt, and was hanging with some dear friends when this subject came to mind.  One of the new friends, you see, was a straight guy who was at O bar for the very first time in his entire life.  He was quite a handsome guy, I must admit, with his goatee and his very social demeanor.  He had the build suggesting a guy who probably loved basketball and was taller than most of the usual monkeys I see at the bar.  At one point in the night, I was in a playful mood and was teasing him to one of the friends in the group who happened to be a girl.  When I suggested the two of them would be a cute couple, his response made me stare at him in shock.

"Hindi no.  Hindi ako pogi.  Ang taba ko kaya?"
(Of course not.  I'm not handsome.  I happen to be so fat?"

I stared at him, shocked that someone would so willingly look down at himself and told him he was an attractive fellow.  He might not match the overly hyped media image of the perfect guy:  With the prominent chin-line, the perfect proportions and the evident six-pack of abdominal muscles.  But he was still a handsome guy in his own right.

Have we so willingly allowed ourselves to hate how we look since we don't match the "ideal image" portrayed by the fashion industry and our mass media?  Have we learned to hate our inner qualities so much that we cannot fathom we are beautiful people, whether or not we gym on a daily basis or treat food like some poisonous habit?

I asked him why he felt that way and his response was to tap his stomach and say,

I know some would think its unthinkable, but for me, he was cute before AND after. 

"Wala.  Mataba lang talaga ako."
(Oh nevermind.  I just really am fat.)

And in response I reminded him that it wasn't a bad trait to have a tummy.  There are many people out there who don't mind being with a person who fails to match the required image for a Bench model.  There are many out there who actually would prefer to be with "a person" than a "model," so to speak.

It did make me wonder, however.

Why do we allow the fashion industry to tell us we are ugly?
Why do we allow magazines, fashion shows, television shows and billboards to tell us being imperfect means being ugly?  Is it really that hard to celebrate being unique?  Is it really that hard to realize we can be beautiful in our own way?  Is it that impossible to fathom that there are people out there who will love us as ourselves, and not because we look like the newest big thing in the fashion industry?

This isn't really a new topic, I admit.  But I feel sad that there are people out there who so willingly proclaim themselves to be ugly.  What kind of a life would you live if you would so willingly label yourself in such a manner?  If you want to work out or diet for the sake of being healthy, that's fine.  But if you think working out is the only way you can be beautiful, I think there's something sorely wrong there.

We all are beautiful for someone who hasn't admitted it.

Admittedly, I have my moments of doubt too.

My partner, Rocky, who is the love of my life and makes me happy every single day, does have his own tastes when it comes to men.  Just as I admittedly find BARA men attractive, Rocky does appreciate men who do work out.  And admittedly, sometimes I wonder if I am good-looking enough for him, with my six pack (a proud trait I used to have from my competitive swimming) buried under a well cultivated tummy from our delight in cooking home cooked meals.  Sometimes I wonder if he'd find me hotter if I found a way to shape up my chest and build up my arms.  But while I do have plans (and have been working on reaching them) of being more fit and more athletic, I have no misconceptions of seeing myself as ugly.  I don't think I'm gross or ugly.  I know I could live a healthier life, and I know I haven't been the sporty sort to have the muscles that would make him see me as a candidate for a Sean Cody video.   I know there I days I want him to literally hunger for me as if I was the best porn he has ever laid his eyes on.  But I don't use that as a measure of my personal attractiveness.  I simply know that he loves me, both physically, mentally and emotionally, because of who I am. And anything else is just gravy added to the dish.

I don't ever look at myself in the mirror and honestly think I am hideous.

And even if you aren't religious, know, you really are.

But it really bothers me that some people look at themselves and do.

I wish more people out there realize the innate beauty they possess.  And realize somewhere out there, there are people who can see that beauty, even if they themselves can't.  There's no harm in striving to be healthier.  But I believe there is huge harm in telling yourself on a daily basis "I am ugly."

We are beautiful.  While I don't think we are "perfect" as we are, since I am one of those who believes we can always strive to be better.  To be more wonderful.  I do believe that no one in this world is born to see themselves as ugly.  We are unique and we are beautiful in ways only others can see.

And I hope someday, somehow, more people realize that.

Geekwood: Ben and Hudson

While a larger majority of all my geekwood posts will focus on fictional hotties from videogames, comics, role-playing games and the like, this geekwood entry is being devoted to two people who deserve to be recognized for their actions.

Ben Cohen, a world-class English rugby athlete and absolute hottie, and Hudson Taylor, an American college wrestler, are both straight, drop-dead gorgeous and have dedicated their lives to standing up against homophobia and bullying.  

Hudson Taylor and Ben Cohen.  Shining examples of hot straight guys you can count on.

Sad but true, there are many straight AND gay people who can be open-minded towards having homosexual friends, but still remain afraid to speak up for gay rights and to stop gay bashing.    I know a few friends of mine who, while happy to be gay, are unwilling to take part in Pride marches and remain silent when homophobic jokes are bandied around.

And yes, Ben understands "smooth" is not necessary to be attractive as fuck!

So yes, thank you Ben and Hudson for being secure in your masculinity and being willing to speak up fro the many others who are too afraid (or will cite "logical" reasons) and remain silent.

Hudson on the other hand isn't afraid to trim the pit (although I prefer it hairy).

I remember some questioning the point of Pride marches and the like.  How they are all just "political" and not celebrations of diversity.  They seem to forget that yes, it IS political.  And it will also remain political until the day discrimination towards homosexuality comes to an end.  

No H8!

I don't personally also understand all this fear straight men have of being seen as attractive by other men.   Maybe I'm just too open-minded in the sense that I see anyone appreciating my attractiveness as a compliment, whether or not I find the other person appealing.  Beauty is beauty and to be seen as attractive, whether it be by a straight or homosexual man or woman, for me, is always a good thing.

But I guess some people just have issues.

*swoons*  for so many reasons.

So yes, thank you Ben and Hudson.  

You are shining examples of how one does not need to be gay to understand and speak out on how homophobia and bullying, especially in sports (which for some reason is deemed only for "straight" people by some).  Thank you!

Read more about them here.

When the Stereotypes Take Over

While I admit I found this video introspectively amusing, I can only take so much jokes in this manner.  I still feel that sometimes people just need to wake up and see past the stereotypes and misconceptions of what makes us all unique and yet similar to each other.  Steve Hughes is great though in reminding us that gay or straight, the stereotypes are what we tend to think of rather than the truth.



Gay, Straight, Bisexual, ultimately it doesn't matter who we love or choose to sleep with.
What matter more are our morals.  Our values.  Our character.

When people ask me if I am sure about being in a gay relationship (which I guess is in reference to my being bisexual:  The option to have a relationship with a woman is "always" there.) I find myself struggling not to find insult in the question.  Why find insult?  Because for me, it feels tantamount to being told, "Are you sure there's a point in being in your relationship?"  The general view of most people (and sadly this also includes many non-straights as well) is that homosexual relationships rarely have the fortitude to last long.  Reasons range from stupid ("Because they are immoral and unnatural.  How can you expect it to last long?") to selfish ("Because there are so many cocks to try, why limit yourself?") to downright sad ("Because they just don't.  No law to compel them to last.  No children to trap you together.")

Imagine how much better their lives would have been had they just admitted what they felt
and embraced that love, ignoring all the fear, expectations and hate of others.

But people, really now.   Open your eyes.  A relationship and its strength and fortitude are based not on such pathetic excuses and over-generalized opinions.  The power of two people loving each other is limited only by the willingness of the two to make things last.   If you really feel that the only reason you haven't left your partner/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is because of a law, a social expectation, a child, a religious ruling) then frankly, you aren't really in a relationship. You are in a trap.

Find the person who makes you feel that you are who you are because you were meant to be who you are.  Find the person who embraces you and loves you and tells you how you make his life just as meaningful and loved.    Find the person who expects from you no less than what he gives you.  The person who is willing to share his life with you, and lovingly allows you to be part of his.

You deserve to be loved.
You will find someone who deserves you too.

True love means no one has to stay home alone.

Cause think about it:  Money runs out.  Laws change.  Beauty fades.   Even skill can eventually be lost.
But if you find that person who truly honestly fully loves you, none of those will matter.

I hope you find the courage to do what you must.
And the joy of finding who you are meant to be with.

Anything goes but don't blink you might miss

Last night was a blast!

Hot and Dangerous Bear on his Guard Shark.
These are definitely deadly waters, boys.

It seems my relationship with Rocky continues to be one that breaks new ground in so many ways.  After all those years, with the way our lives were moving as separate journeys in the past, one would have thought we would have seen everything there is to be seen.  Then a night like last night comes along and shows you how much more there is in our lives together to celebrate as a couple.


Last night, my partner and I along with our good musically-inclined friend hit O bar for another night of dance-able music, caffeinated beer, and campy fun!  Boy did last night deliver!  Rest assured tonight was a nice of quotable quotes, with my favorite one flowing in this manner:

"So, do you still think I made a mistake getting married so soon?"

"No, definitely not at all.  I'm now rethinking my lifestyle."

And in many ways, that quote captures how wonderful the night was.   While we both indulged in respectable levels of excess, our loyalties to one another never wavered, and once again the richness and strength of a strong and passionate relationship were again visible for all to see.   Visible enough for one to admit that a lifestyle of just one-night stands does not compare.

Not quite what I wanted to use,
but it is close enough I guess. 

I recall someone once attempting to "enlighten" me by telling me about how a relationship is nothing but a gilded cage.  There was another person who tried to question the strength of our commitment to one another, musing about us merely hanging on to each other with spider threads.  It can be sad how there really are people who are so against the idea of loyalty and relationships that they would have to spend much of their own time futilely attempting to erode a happy couple's life together.  But I guess one has to accept the fact that such people really exist.  To quote Fleetwood Mac, "Players only love you when they're playing."


(On a side note, as I type this, my Facebook account is having some weird quirk keeping me from accessing pages and even my own profile page.  While I'd like to think this was just some ISP related issue, the fact that my partner can freely surf on our wifi connection reinforces the fear that this may be another one of my "haters" activities.  I do hope I'm just being paranoid and this is some internal quirk on Facebook's side.)

Good show.  Just makes me wonder where its heart really is.

I wonder why the concept of a loyal stable relationship frightens so many people?  Part of me thinks it is in a great part the fault of shows like Queer as Folk which sensationalized and popularized the idea that a slutty, sex-focused life is the only viable life a queer can ever embrace.  The idea that relationships are pointless since love is nothing compared to the next throbbing boner that comes your way was epitomized by Gale Harold's character Brian Kinney.  It doesn't help that his motto embraces the idea that all straight people are out to hate us queers.   God knows I hate Brian and his shallowness.  He does have some level of depth, but his lack of willingness to embrace honesty just makes him less tragic and more pathetic in my eyes.  I wonder at times what Russel T. Davies had hoped to achieve by having Brian as the lead character in that show.   His Dr. Who episodes are sheer genius and represent the strength of human virtues in so many ways.   Was QAF merely his "release" of the baser things that define us?  Was there supposed to be a great "shift" in Brian's character that was due to come on the sixth season that never happened?  The American broadcast of the show had a disclaimer that read:

"Queer as Folk is a celebration of the lives and passions of a group of gay friends.

It is not meant to reflect all of gay society"

I can't help but wonder if so many people who despise relationships failed to read that particular disclaimer.  Part of me can't help but feel that as wonderfully real and touching the stories are in Queer as Folk, I would have hoped to have greater examples of the strength of committed gay relationships present in television.  Modern Family tries to do this, albeit in a funny way.  Four Weddings and a Funeral beautifully reflected a gay relationship without even having to declare the word, "gay."   I'm still having mixed feelings about Glee, since Curt seems to be too much of a show favorite at times, with his supposed demands for being accepted trampling over the rights of other people to have personal space.  Why I loved the way they portrayed how his father dealt with his coming out, I feel the show was a tad too biased when Curt's imposition of sharing a room with (the man he lusts for) his "brother" Finn lead to Finn demanding for personal space, but rather than showing how Curt was going too far, the show focused on Finn's outburst with the use of a "bad word."

The most non-stereotype gay couple on film ever.

Understandably, one can look at things in another perspective and ask, "Why should one define a successful relationship based on the Hollywood model of a happy straight relationship?  Why should the idea of one's life being a romantic comedy blockbuster be better than a sexually charged QAF episode?"   But the thing is, I'm not going for a Hollywood relationship.  I'm not looking for the happily ever after such movies claim to exist.  I'm not so immature to believe love literally conquers all.  


I do, however, believe that with everything is the act of making a choice.
And the choice to make a relationship work is a choice we all have the right to make.

Those who see a prison obviously mistake guarding something valuable as putting it in a cage.

Choosing to be in a relationship is not about choosing to be imprisoned.  Or choosing to live a boring life.  Oh no.  If anything, last night proves that a relationship that is strong and absolutely secure in its foundations can rock the night away with tongues waggling and eyes envious for more.


Last night was, simply put, Wow.
And let me tell you, no one is luckier than I was last night.
Why?





Because I am Rocky's.
And he is mine.

I found you.

From One Closet to Another

Strange but true, I am starting to realize I might have to lie even when I actually finally come out to my parents.

You see, I am and have always been and shall always continue to be bisexual.  I find both men and women attractive.  I have had long term relationships with either.  I have considered being in a lifetime relationship with either.  To be more brutally frank (at the risk of being rude) I like cock as much as I love pussy.

And I am starting to realize when the time finally comes when I get to come out to my parents, I will have to lie to them and say I am simply, "gay."

Don't get me wrong, though.  I am gay.  I am gay cause gay does, for me, mean a person who is not straight.  Gay is  a person who does get attracted to, and would be willing to have a long term relationship with someone of the same sex.

So yes, I am gay.

Too.

Cause I also am, using that narrow definition "straight."
Cause straight is a person who gets attracted to the opposite sex, and would be willing to have a long term relationship with one.

So yes, I am straight.

Too.

If one were to be more honest, however.  Both implies a "but not with" clause that would then force me to embrace a more honest but grossly misused and abused term, "bisexual."  It is a sad but true fact that most of the time, people who call themselves bisexual are either:  too afraid to admit they are gay, just confused and still experimenting both sides, or simple misunderstanding the term to mean being masculine and gay.

But it isn't.  

A bisexual is someone who gets attracted to either sex, and would be willing to have a long term relationship with either sex as well.  Or in my case, someone who doesn't really care what the sex of the person is -- if I like the person, then I do.  Dipping in, being dipped into, or doing both at the same time are all just additional perks and ways to manifest your love for the person further.

I am bisexual.

But yes, sadly, come the day I come out I will have to lie.  On the day I finally see that my parents are ready (and healthy enough) to hear the truth, I will stand up before them and tell them, "Mom.  Dad.  I need you to know your son.   I am gay."  And on this day when I face the music and threat of being disowned, and hopefully not risk their health and mental stability in the same process, I will have to hurt them with this much more acceptable lie.

Much more acceptable?

Why?

Because if I were to tell them I what I am really - if I were to admit to them I am bisexual - then they would never ever accept the fact that I have chosen a man to become my partner for life.  They would always (and rightly have the idea) that I can still someday end up with a woman.  It isn't a wrong thing to think, after all, strictly speaking as definitions go, I can end up with a man or a woman.  But it would not be something I think healthy for them to live with for the rest of their lives.

I can't leave them holding on to a real, though extremely unlikely, hope.

To tell them I am just gay will still, yes, have them wish I could choose a woman still.  Stories about of the many parents who know of their gay sons or daughters and secretly (or in some cases, still openly) nurse the idea that their non-straight child will "break from the phase" or miraculously fall in love with the "right" gender.  Deep down, no matter how they hope however, such parents know they are lying to themselves and merely in denial of what their child has admitted themselves to be.

But to actually know and understand the child CAN still choose the gender they desire the child to have... that would be far more torturous.

No, I will have to lie to them.
I will have to let them believe I could never love women.
I will have to become a closeted bisexual, who will come out to them as gay, after years of being in the closet and letting them continue to believe I am straight.

It is the only way to make it easier for them to accept that I have found who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he's not going to be someone they can ask me to replace.

Bisexual Pride will have to wait.