Pride is Always Important

I feel bad that I failed to post anything for National Coming Out Day.  Life has been pretty hectic in many fronts and I will admit, blogging was one of the first few things that had to be put on hold.

But man I have to say this:

I am very pissed off and disappointed at how some have transformed the Annual Pride Event into a personal statement aimed at another organization.    While the rest of the world is talking about the importance of being heard, of making our presence welcome, and of showing unity, here in the Philippines the very group that once clamored on the importance of participating in the Annual Pride March has taken the most inane direction in this year's Pride Events.

I'll let you see the post here:
http://www.taskforcepride.com/

Now, had it been a statement saying "Marching is NOT the ONLY WAY to celebrate Pride" then I would applaud it for reminding the Pink Community of the many other ways one can show support and commemorate the sacrifices and challenges that were faced back in the Stonewall Riots.  But no, the group is instead claiming that marching is not necessary.

After years of saying it was.  All those times before, the push was, "How do we encourage people to march?"  "How do we remind people if they don't feel they are represented in the Pride March, then they should go to BE represented."  Suddenly now it is all you don't have to march?  Bullshit.

Why?  Because SOMEONE ELSE IS HANDLING THIS YEAR'S PRIDE MARCH EVENT.
And rather than be supportive of it, or perhaps still have a second march people can also participate in, the group has decided to make a public statement claiming marching is not necessary.

Quite a huge CHANGE from what was being proclaimed back in July.

It is the same stupid slandering that was being bandied about during the White Party nights.  Many groups opted to host their own White Parties.  Think about that for a second:  MANY GROUPS WANT TO HOST THEIR OWN WHITE PARTIES.  That is a HUGE step in the right direction.  People are all celebrating in their own ways.  People are all making events to celebrate what used to be a  single event!  So now, every LGBT person in Metro Manila has the option to choose where it is more convenient.  Has the freedom to go where their friends opt to go.  Has the joy of being able to celebrate the night by visiting all the events they want!   Can you imagine?  Having such freedom of choice?  There was a time when having a party that celebrated gay freedoms had to be underground.  This was a good step.

And yet, the slander began.  "Not the REAL White Party"  and so on was thrown about.  As if a specific organization in the Philippines was the root of it all.  As if a specific location in the Philippines was the real reason the party was born.  As if Stonewall did not matter.

Selfish.  Idiotic.  Divisive.

Task Force Pride has become a force of personal pride, rather than a beacon of unity and colorful hope.
I am now embarrassed to know the people behind this direction.  (And yes, I want my book back.  You've borrowed it long enough.)

Very embarrassed.

My partner and I will still march at the upcoming Pride March in Quezon City this year.  We will still show our support to the Pink community.  We will still remind people that many of the freedoms and levels of acceptance that are now enjoyed were thanks to the people back in the past who took the courage and effort to MARCH and to SPEAK UP.

https://www.facebook.com/pridecouncil

True Pride was never about "who gets the credit" for an event.
And that's but one of the many things a certain group has to learn about truly being a voice for a community.

I believe Coming Out is important.

Jodie Foster gave her speech.  And while she did state her call for privacy, and I do respect that given how she's practically living her life in the media's scrutiny, I do believe there is still given the current time and state of being the NEED to come out and be proud.

George Takei thankfully nicely summed it up the way I see it too.
Since he definitely got it down more eloquently than I ever can, here's the link for those who want to read it:  http://www.allegiancemusical.com/blog-entry/i-dont-even-think-you-gay-well-you-should

So yeah, this generation is a very lucky one, to have so many vocal and visible role models.  I recall when I was going through my years of not being sure of who I was, the only role models I could find who were gay were Roderick Paulate and John Lapus, both of whom were portraying homosexuality in a way which was not quite the manner I felt I could relate with.   And while I have nothing against their manner of being gay, I definitely remember going through my years thinking, "Okay.. that's so not me.  So I'm not gay?  I'm ... that fucked up?"

Yay to the new generation of role models.
It only get's better.

Gay or Not Gay? What say you, Tom?

Loving this article on Tom Hardy.

Thank you Rocky for sharing this with me!

We joined this year's Pride March in the Philippines!

rOckY and I, with a LOT of our good friends, took part in this year's Pride March.  This was my second time to be part of the march since last year, I was with my parents and family on a trip to Singapore.  My best friend Tom and his partner Fritz was there, as was my dear diva Grace and her partner Pao, as was Geoff and Allan.  (Thank you Allan for these wonderful pictures!)  rOckY has yet to release our own set of pictures but once those are up, know I'll be sharing the link to them too.

There were many other friends who joined us that day who aren't in these pictures.  Nono, Lanchie, Juna, Markee, Ian, Bern, Pao and so many other friends also made their presence known and their voices heard as we marched down the road with pink balloons, rainbows and love.  Of course, there were protesters against the march there too which was expected.   A little bird told us before that those people are "funded" to protest by certain groups.  Sad really, that people really think hate is the way to live one's life.   There also were companies that showed their support (but part of me does wonder how much is support and how much is selling the idea that you can work for them.  Oh well, businesses will always have the bottom line after all.)   You can find more pictures of the beautiful event here as well.

Check out this video that rOckY took of the march.  Clearly, we were having a LOT of fun.

As I mentioned in my facebook, the Pride March doesn't require attendees to be gay.  All you have to be is someone who wants to voice out that LGBT deserve equal rights.  

Among my many posts include:

Will I see you today, marching alongside me? Will I see you today, being brave enough to make a statement that being who I am is okay?  Or will I have to wait for the day I become a victim of some hate crime before you realize I need your support to have my rights recognized?
Will you March with me this year?

And

Yes, embracing DIVERSITY does mean embracing even the presence of things you don't necessarily like. But that's the beauty of Diversity! There's always something for everyone.

And

Join this year's Pride March. Help show more people that there is nothing to be ashamed about being gay, knowing someone who is gay, being friends with someone who is gay, or simply believing that we all deserve to have the equal right to love who we love.
Help us make a statement. Help us be heard. Hindi lang ang mahirap ang nangangailan ng supporta ninyo. (Not only the poor need your support.)

I do hope next year we get to see even more friends take part in this important event.  I pray that more friends find the courage to join us as we represent the people in the Philippines who believe in equal rights, who believe in the freedom to be happy, and who believe that love is real.

Happy Pride!
See you next year!

Score one for courage

Proud of you, David Testo.

I wonder when the Philippines will have closeted celebrities that become brave enough to come out?

Proud of you Zac!

He sums up a lot in this statement:

"In light of Jamey's death -- it became clear to me in an instant that living a gay life without publicly acknowledging it -- is simply not enough to make any significant contribution to the immense work that lies ahead on the road to complete equality. Our society needs to recognize the unstoppable momentum toward unequivocal civil equality for every gay lesbian bisexual and transgendered citizen of this country."

He continues, "I believe in the power of intention to change the landscape of our society -- and it is my intention to live an authentic life of compassion and integrity and action."

Glad you've decided to join us and be among those who are proud to be who we are, Zac.

May your move inspire even more people to come out as well.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/16/zachary-quinto-comes-out-gay_n_1013815.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false#sb=538413,b=facebook

Stop trying to change us, please.

Hear it from a guy who was made to go through "Conversion Therapy."  We are who we are.  Please open your eyes.  Love.  Stop the hate.  Just love.

Coming Out Day - Oct 11

I call out to all my friends who for whatever reasons still hide in the closet. Today is International Coming Out Day. Stop being ashamed of who you are. Stop being afraid of how people will react. You are fabulous. You are wonderful. You are you. Be proud and come out now! You are NOT alone.





While the song really isn't about coming out, its a nice enough song to post to celebrate today.  Everyone else is free to post Born This Way of Lady Gaga instead ;-)

Be proud. Come out. Stand tall.

DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) has finally ended.  And we can see how many are embracing the joy of having the freedom and the right to come out and be themselves.  Sad and ironic how in other places, like Manila, so many are still too afraid to come out and be proud of who they are.  While the rest of the world struggles for the right to be proud of who they are, and for the safety of identifying themselves as gay without a mob literally out to kill them, here we have people who claim "coming out is unimportant" and talk of being recognized as gay as something to be ashamed of.

I am proud to have come out.
Yes, it hasn't been an absolutely smooth ride.  Yes, my parents were hurt by the truth, since they did want their son to be straight and have children.  But still, there is strength in being recognized for who you are.  There is courage in being able to stand up for yourself and say, "I am proud to be me."  And there are stronger and deeper bonds that form when your parents learn the truth, and now relate to you with the proper knowledge, and eventually, understanding of who you are as a whole.


I really hope more people realize staying hidden in the closet is no way to truly live.
And I do hope they realize this before it is too late.

It ends today.

Congratulations to all of you who can celebrate this freedom!

Gay-Straight Etiquette

My partner, Rocky, shared me this article today and I found it to be very enlightening.  I thought it may be best to share this link again here on my blog for any readers who may have found themselves tongue-tied in similar situations before.  The article is "" by Andrea Sachs, who interviews Steve Petrow who came up with "Complete Gay and Lesbain Manners" site.

http://healthland.time.com/2011/07/13/qa-etiquette-for-gays-lesbians-and-their-straight-friends/

Some of my favorite parts:

If it's O.K. for two straight people to hold hands in this place, there's no reason why that shouldn't be O.K. for us, as long as it's safe and you know that part of this is new to many folks. Some of that just takes time to become part of the landscape.

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2011/07/13/qa-etiquette-for-gays-lesbians-and-their-straight-friends/#ixzz1S3jIuVpt

And

Not everybody who's gay wants to get married. But just about everybody who's gay wants the right to get married. And there is a difference there.

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2011/07/13/qa-etiquette-for-gays-lesbians-and-their-straight-friends/#ixzz1S3jOBoTQ

Very True

I wish you all the freedom that comes with accepting who you are, and letting the world know you as well.
Life is indeed too damn short.

So You're Finally Straight?

Have you ever met Roy G. Biv?

In the many years that I have been searching for my identity, I realized the truth that even in the gay community, there are very many shades of pink and very varied combinations of the rainbow. During my high school and college years, I can still recall how I used to struggle to find a role-model and others to relate with in terms of my then still emerging bisexuality. Having come from an extremely Catholic exclusive school for boys, when the first shades of the rainbow entered my life I was horrified and on the verge of suicidal. It felt like a blow from karma itself, considering my earlier grade school years were spent picking on the evidently gay classmates and beating them up. Thankfully, such idiotic machismo of the past were resolved with apologies way back, and I was back then left with the need to find others "like me" in a world that still believes the Virgin Mary made the sun dance.

I believe in miracles.  But those that "happen" in the Philippines... are just harder to believe.

I recall meeting many new faces and making lots of great friends. Some were straight, and some were gay. But more and more I saw that none of them were like me at all. The straight friends shared some interests of mine, but unlike me could barely tolerate theater musicals or Kylie Minogue. My gay friends loved the empress Kylie herself, but then were also into other music divas and were definitely far more effeminate and opinionated over things that I could relate with. The moment I walked to share my musings on the hot soccer player in my class, my straight male friends would shake their heads and helpfully suggest I just wank one off to calm myself down. I was just going through a phase, they would say. Til I found the right girl. When, on the other hand, I would gab about the sexy lady who agreed to be my photography model, my gay friends would call me traitor or claim I was still pretending to be straight and far to chicken to admit I was a fag. I didn't get it. Why were both sides of my life saying I didn't exist.

And that really sucked.

I AM NOW!

Nowadays, thankfully, the world has learned to see the rainbow and all its colors. Don't get me wrong, there are still a huge portion of the world that fails to grasp the broader and more accepting scope of human sexuality. But at least I do know now that real honest-to-goodness bisexual guys like me who loves cock and pussy and breasts, armpits and ass and all do actually exist. I am not alone. And while there are many still close-minded amusingly "just as homophobic as homophobes" gay guys out there, the kind of gay men who think all bisexuals are just confused or afraid to admit they are gay, there also are many who know that people like me can love another regardless of how the said other goes through puberty.

I wrote about this topic much more animatedly with a clear evident sense of frustration in my entry called The Battle for Bisexuality. I sort of cover it again today because I found myself thinking of the time many people who met me a few years back when I was still with my then girlfriend would ask, "So does this mean you are finally straight?"

One man's drama, another man's... well... drama.

Why think of that all of the sudden? Because it made me remember how many people who have embraced me as me and are proud to be my friend are really still thinking of bisexuality as just a transitional period.    I don't blame them for not knowing any better.  After all, if during my time, I was struggling to find good role models and information regarding my sexuality, I can imagine that now in the age of Google and Facebook, the search for reliable information regarding bisexuality can still be daunting.  The internet after all is filled with information:  a lot of it born from ignorance and hate, some of it born from actual wisdom, and occasionally a gem that has precisely what you need to know but is the hardest to find.

So here, in this post, I thought I'd share two links which I feel are very nice write-ups on both the myths that people tend to believe about bisexuality, as well as a broad coverage of the many facets of the gay rainbow.

They should have an episode devoted to rainbow myths.

The myths were tackled by the Bi's and Allies caucus of Pride at UIC.    They nicely list down the top seven misconceptions people tend to have about bisexuality including the myth that a bisexual person can never be faithful to one person, and that straight society actually accepts bisexuals more.

Sorry, I know she's a great person, but I still find her unibrow scary.

The other is the GOT QUEER campaign of Simon Fraser University which nicely adapts the "Got Milk" ads into an awareness movement to help bring out better gender sensitivity.  The campaign actually touches on a very wide gamut of things, and for sure there will be some who will question their choice of terms.

Ultimately, I am still happy to know such resources do exist now and if there are any still closeted guys and girls out there who actually love reading my blog, I hope these two links help you find your way.  Coming out is not just all hype and melodrama.  There really are advantages and very powerful emotionally fulfilling memories born from the act of taking that stand to proclaim you are not afraid of being yourself.  I hope that someday, you will find the courage I too found when I came out to my parents.

Yes to love in all forms.  Love!

All we want to do is love the people we love, after all.
Given all the misconceptions and lies bandied around about us, the least you can do for yourself is be proud of who you are and prove them wrong.

Is Tom Strong Strong Enough?

Read this earlier tonight and found myself amusedly thinking about the geekwood entry I posted on Tom Strong. DC Comics has been making interesting moves as of the late (with one of the biggest ones I question being the removal of certain popular Vertigo characters from the Vertigo universe due to legalese I rather ignore.)  With DC comic's cancellation of the Wildstorm line, Tom Strong sadly was to be one of its casualties.

Ooops, wrong Tom.  Then again  I guess you don't mind either.

In some ways, this did make me think about change in general.  About how things may become familiar to us that sometimes, while change may be good, the idea of letting go of something familiar can be a horrific idea.  Life has its moments where change can be good or bad.  Whether it be the small things such as changing the brand of soap you buy, or bigger things like choosing to move to another city, change will always have repercussions one way or another.

But what we forget is, while change may seemingly be inevitable, it does not mean it cannot be productive.

Ang matakot, talo.

Most of the time, the resistance to change is the fear of something new.  Familiarity is always a powerful comfort zone, even if what is familiar may be unhealthy or unwise.   Finding the courage to take a step towards something new can be difficult, but if one learns to focus on the facts, one can see the wealth of opportunity waiting ahead of them.  I recently learned to cook and for a long time, I refused to step outside the omelets and fried food I was making.  My partner insisted I try doing other things and eventually even got us an oven toaster to help me take a brave step away from the frying pan and into the baking oven.     Now, thanks to his support and faith in me, I have made a few new baked dishes, learned to even take a stab at doing more interesting salads (you should try my Cilantro-Eggplant salad one time!) and have dreams of actually moving towards baking my own bread and cooking steaks!

I love this book.
Someone should make a movie out of it.

Many also forget that change will always need time.  If you've made a habit of using Internet Explorer for years, the thought of switching to Chrome or Rockmelt might sound like too much effort.  Or might even be seen as *hard* since it will mean having to learn how to do things a bit differently.   I recall how I used to hate  the new World of Darkness system, with its strange similar-yet-different feel to the old Storyteller system that I loved.  I used to despise how it felt more like it had influences from d20 and tried to make things seem so basic.  But now, I find it hard to jump back to the old version of the rules.  After some time of getting used to the new system, I have realized what the creators knew and wanted me to learn; the new system is so streamlined you can not only easily mix their products into the game but was simple enough new players can grasp the idea with a single session!   If you take into account the fact that time will be needed to start to actually feel how the change is a good thing, you will at least be making a far better judgement call in the end.

Admit it!  You also at first thought Robot Unicorn Attack was stupid,
until you played it and ended up LOVING it!

And lastly, one must always remember that change will only truly reflect what it offers if you give it an honest chance.    Diets tend to suffer from this the most.  When a change is experienced, many far too quickly declare it a failure because they never really gave it an proper chance.  Once I told myself I would never get into driving.  While young, I actually already learned to drive my mother's car.  But far too quickly, I dismissed the freedom driving brought because I knew once I could drive I would eternally be the person my parents order around to buy stuff.  So I ditched the skill and proclaimed, "I don't like driving.  I prefer the freedom of walking around."  While it was partly true, the joys of walking and commuting were not joys that I would deny myself once I started driving.  They were just joys I used as an excuse to stop.   I, too quickly, shot down the chance for driving to be a true experience.  But now, with a few more years of being behind the wheel under my belt, I am extremely grateful a good friend of mine helped me find the courage to get back behind the wheel.  

So why is this a blame it on the rain,bro article?  As I was thinking of what to blog about today, I found myself thinking about a number of things.  Among them was how a friend of mine who seemed to believe she was unlucky in love.  All the guys she had met were sweet and sincere, but after some weeks of sex and dating, would drop her to find the next warm body.  I suggested to her that maybe what she needed to do was to simply spend the nights out enjoying time with her friends rather than hunting down a boyfriend.   "Try to find time to just enjoy being you.  Stop trying to always be the person the other one wants.  And stop thinking you can't be happy as yourself."  She never tried.  She thought the idea was too weird.  She felt the idea meant she was "giving up" (although what she was giving up I never understood) and as far as I know, she is still diving into clubs hoping to find her Mr. Right in the very place where Mr. OneNightStand simply hangs out.     There is also the other friend who used to think the bar I love was a dump.  The friend was a regular of this bigger bar; a place that equated expensive entrance fees and even more expensive drinks as a symbol of class.  While the bar I loved was a single-storey venue with a cozy floor area and affordable prices, his was a veritable palace of a dance club with numerous floors, peek-a-boo friendly restrooms and enough disco-lights to blind a star.   A few years back, I invited the said friend to a birthday party to check out the place, enjoy the company and have some drinks.   Nowadays, I find myself bumping into him on some nights, there with a host of his friends, enjoying the place.  I wonder sometimes if I should ask.  But then again, doing that might just raise his defenses about it.

Yeah... don't expect love in a place where sex is the main point.

But yes, change can be good.

My coming out was a huge change.  I had a host of things to be afraid of, and frankly even until now there are some things related to my coming out that make me worry.  But overall, the change has been for the best:  I don't have to lie to my parents anymore.  I don't have to pretend my partner is just my friend.  I don't have to act like gay bashing is something I am okay with when family members might happen to do it.  I don't have to make excuses on why I'd spend "certain" days or nights with my partner anymore.  They know I am with the guy I love and they know that on some days of the month, he becomes my priority over everyone else.    And even better, I know now that I can honestly share with them why he makes me happy.  And how I make him happy too.    Our relationship, save for the fact it is homosexual rather than heterosexual, is pretty much seen the same way as any other:  our business.  They are HUGE changes.  Especially for someone who spent the better part of his life making excuses whenever his bisexual heart fell for a person who had a cock.

Me and my partner.
No, we aren't just "best friends."

Change can be very good.  And while it will always be scary, change should always be given some level of consideration before being thrown out of the options immediately.

So I guess, I guess I just need to remind myself of that and do what I can to bring it to a more positive direction.  Tom Strong, here's hoping to see you in print again someday soon.  Wildstorm or not, I believe you will find more readers willing to shell out money to support you.

Let us meditate on the immortal words of Charlie Chaplin:

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles."

(although admittedly, I have no idea when he said this.  Doesn't he usually perform absolutely silent?)

Count me OUT!

It is National Coming Out Day.

I am proud to be Out.

Never be afraid to be yourself.

Once again, I thank my partner Rocky Sunico for giving me the support and courage to finally take this step forward.  Being able to truly celebrate and be myself is a joy every one deserves to have.

Go 8-bit Happiness!!!

Got a load of stuff in mind for this blog.  Frankly, I'm happy as a katamari to see how there actually has been an increase in the number of readers I have in this blog.  Google Analytics reveals very interesting search key words that have lead people here, as well as which other sites have been instrumental in helping me gain more hits.  

Among the things I have in mind:

1) A short post I guess on what lead to me creating this blog in the first place

2) More Geekwood posts.  I have to make sure I widen the scope.  Comics should include manga, European comics, and possibly even local komiks.  Maybe more entries from video games, roleplaying games, and even books.

3) More Quickie Fiction.   As well as a post on the origins of Quickie Fiction stories.  Here's a little known fact:  They are not purely fictional stories.

4) Maybe even start a gay-centric online comic.  I've been wanting to do one years back, even before Diliman first found its home online.  But as always, performance anxiety gets to me.  But as Carlo Vergara of ZsaZsa Zaturnnah always tells me, "Don't be afraid.  Just do it.  Gawa lang ng gawa! (Just keep making comics!)"

But yeah, coming out was definitely a highlight in my life this year.  From actually doing it, to writing about it as part of an online event, I can only hope my own experience will help inspire someone else to do the same.  There truly is a joy in being able to proudly be who you are and stop living in fear.

Again, Happy Coming Out day everyone!

Coming out and its many layers

I used to be content that only my friends knew.

I wasn't your stereotypical son, though.  In the early years, my parents saw me as the strange and irritating child who loved to be loud and act crazy.  I always made faces in family pictures.  I always indulged in horror movies while the rest of the family found them disturbing.  I hated sports.  Though I was active in running, then later tennis, and even much later, swimming, I was the kid who could score a three-point shot while running around the basketball court screaming, "I HATE THIS GAME!"

Yep, stepping out of the closet required image here. 

And I loved Halloween.

Every year I'd host these huge parties, dressing up the separate house where we used to hold the parties with artwork and decor that I'd come up with through the creative use of newspapers, latex paint, crepe paper and  foil.  My Halloween parties were legendary (at least among my friends) and so were my costumes.  From Freddy Kreuger to Giger's Alien, I dressed up in many disturbing costumes and usually even had my own tiny act to accompany it.

My first crush was a girl.  She had the sweetest smile and the deepest blue eyes.  I met her in Bukidnon and I found myself wondering if I'd ever see her again.

But the first person I fell in love with was my best friend.  He and I used to hang out nightly either at the nearby alleyway or at the village park, to stare at the stars, to smoke cigarettes, and to talk about life.  We would talk about our hopes, dreams and fears and we would only stop talking when we felt the dawn creeping close.

My high school years were horrible.  I was starting to realize my sexuality then, after a horrifying moment in gym class when a boner sprung out unexpectedly on me while the rest of my classmates were getting dressed to take a swim.  I locked myself in a dressing chamber and prayed for it to fade away.  The years to follow were filled with me being insulting and cruel to the evidently gay classmates we had.  It wasn't because I was envious of their freedom, as many writers would try to claim.  For me, it was because I could not stomach I was "one of them."

I tried to kill myself a few times after.  Being from a religious family, I didn't want this horrible secret to leak out and taint the family name.   It took three attempts to lash myself, and three "coincidences" happening to stop me for me to wake up to the truth that I wasn't meant to do that.  The last one had a classmate calling me out of nowhere at 3a.m. to tell me he had a dream demanding I needed his help.  That classmate saved my life and even now, I doubt he remembers it ever happened.

Eventually, I told my best friend.  One night on the way home from our usual talks, I threw out the question, "What would you do if I was gay?"  He laughed at the question and though it was absurd.  Before he headed home, I threw out a, "By the way, that question earlier?  I am."  And didn't hear from him for the next day.   The following day, however, he showed up and we were just as we always were.  He told me, "I realized you were still you.  So it shouldn't be a problem."

We're still friends.  He's married and with kids.  But we aren't as much in touch as before anymore.

In college, it was easier to find others to talk to about myself.   But it was harder to make sense of things.  Unlike many who abuse the term, I was an honest-to-goodness bisexual who loved and passionately made love to people, regardless if they were men or women.  In college, there were the loud gays and the quiet secretive ones.  I decided I was more like the quiet ones.

Friends new.  Teachers new.  A fellow student even had me in a documentary (which I believe is still in DLSU's archives) on me talking about threesome relationships and why mine worked (for only 9 months though, after which all the lies were revealed and I had to start over).  But family, no they never knew.

I first came out to my brother.   One night he dragged me out with him to a fastfood chain to talk to me about something that was greatly worrying him.  As it turned out, he and his girlfriend were getting serious and he wasn't sure how to break the news to our parents.  I told him, "You have it easy.  Trust me.  Guess what my problem is?"  And when I told him, he agreed.  I was gonna have it tough.

A few years later, I came out to my mother's eldest brother.  He was in the theater industry and was for certain much more open-minded about these things.  He consoled me and congratulated me on my bravery and admitted that my mom would probably find it hard to just accept things.  "Give it time," he reminded me, "But tell her when you are sure it is time."

"Huli ka!"

During all these passing years, I had relationships.  Guys.  Girls.  My parents knew all my girlfriends.  Some they loved.  Others they hated.  My parents met all my boyfriends.  They were all my "new bestfriends" in their eyes.  Deep down I suspected they already knew.  There was that NewYorker skirt my mom gave me one Christmas supposedly, "In case you needed a skirt for a theater play."   There were the gay porn magazines I once found suddenly neatly arranged (by date!) in their hiding place.  There was also that time I was having sex and left the phone off the cradle, only to have my dad buzz my room asking me to put it down.  Oh and there was that one time I was giving someone head when someone tapped at my window.  But I guess it was safe to say they didn't see anything. Hear though, I feared they had.  The guy was moaning pretty loud.

Yep, not all bisexuals are just guys afraid to admit they're gay.

My girlfriends all knew I was bisexual.  I always told them this fact before things got serious.  All admitted they were okay with it, but later would admit it wasn't the easiest thing to be okay with.  Many friends still feel I let "the right one go".  Personally, I think regardless of how things went, me and they all left with something new learned in their hearts and minds.

I had gotten so used to living between words and hiding relationships between definitions that I didn't think I'd ever need to come out.  So what if they always thought I had a best friend over?  So what if they never knew I loved him more than I thought I could ever love anyone else?

Then he came.  How the relationship started is an epic tale in itself - and yes it involves Transformers, dragons, songs, wavelengths, and tears, but that's a story for another day.  What it did bring was a sudden desire once again to be recognized.   To have our relationship recognized.   To be proudly able to say, "I am with him."

It took me a year to get ready.  It took me a year to weigh the odds:  Would I be thrown out of the house?  Can I survive without my parents being part of my life?  Am I really ready to do this?  Within that year, I took steps that prepared me for the final leap.  My partner and I marched on Gay Pride (which so many ignore and instead focus solely on the White Party) and I felt the anger and sadness for the people who were there to tell me I was evil and should not exist.  I heard the protesters rage about how I was bringing the end of the world.  I realized I needed to speak up.  I wanted to show we weren't the horrors they all thought.  I found strength in what my partner Rocky told me:  "Coming out is always a personal choice."  Part of me knew he was instrumental in this resurgence of wanting to be recognized, but he was right.  If I were to come out, it had to be because I wanted to.  Not because I was doing it for him.   Not because I had to.

And I realized, yes I wanted to.

Given all the cons of coming out, the pain and the possibilities of being disowned, I realized I wanted to be recognized as me.  I wanted to be honest about who I was.  I didn't want to be hidden between the lines anymore.  At least not to my parents.  Every year, my birthday was a day I'd get depressed seeing it as another year my parents did not know their own son.

I wanted them to know me.

And so I did.  One night, I told my parents I needed to talk to them.  April 21st.  It was the point of no return.    And finally, when we spoke, it was a moment I will always remember.  There were tears.  There were painful moments.  But there was also an unmistakable aura of love and strength.  My parents were finding it hard to accept, and much to my surprise never thought I was gay.  I didn't want to clarify that I was bisexual at first to make it easier for them, but when they asked about my girlfriends it didn't feel right for them to think they were all just foils to hide the truth.  But I came out, and in the end, they admitted that nothing will ever change the fact they love me and want me to be happy.

Now my parents know the whole story.

Breaking out at last!

They know about the fact I am living a happily geeky gay life with my partner and while they admit they aren't ready to see him yet or have me too openly talking about him, I feel overjoyed to know they know my life and  not just the lie I used to keep surrounding them.

They asked me to give them time, and I realize I at least will give them that.  I have yet to proclaim myself to the rest of the family that I am gay, but then again I don't really see the need to.  After all, I'm not hiding.  My blog and facebook profile openly speaks of my relationship and status.  My life openly reflects my lifestyle.   I have had some net savvy extended family members contact me and offer words of support.  But I've also had others who haven't heard the "chismis" and are still left in the dark.  My Lola recently asked me if I was still single.  I replied, "Tell you more about it next time Lola.  Best siguro ask my Mom.  But I want you to know I am very very happy and very very well cared for."

The Many Layers of Inception.
Pwedeng analogy to the many layers of the closet!

I like this feeling of being honest with myself and to others.
I understand that coming out has its layers.  Sometimes you can't quite come out completely in one go.  Some have the choice stripped from them.  Others choose to limit the circle of knowledge to what's convenient or comfortable for them.  But ultimately, coming out empowers.  And is a personal reminder to yourself that yes you can be who you are and not be afraid.

My name is Tobie Abad and I am proud to say I've come out.
I am proudly living with my partner, Rocky, and you can read about his coming out story here.
I hope others in time find the right moment for them to choose to do the same.
There will always be excuses and reasons not to.
But the choice to do so will always be yours unless you wait for the time it will be taken from you.

Musings on Coming Out

Coming out to my parents was something that I have long wanted to do.  For many years I had been wanting to take that final step but there was always some "reason" that would come up that would "convince me" that it wasn't the proper time.  I would find myself blaming concerns about their health, worries about whether or not I was ruining their day, etc.  For many years I would find myself getting depressed on my birthday with the thought that it was another year that my parents did not know their own son.   And while the thought of coming out was always there, the push I needed to make that final step was not to come until I met my partner.

My partner has been out of the closet for years before I met him.  In many ways, he helped me realize how much I had been keeping myself from truly making that final step forward.  I would like to share some quotes of his which really struck me:

"There will always be a reason not to come out."

For someone who isn't ready, there will always be a reason not to.  This was the very truth that I had been living the last few years.  It didn't matter if I was actively part of some event that called for Gender Equality.   It did not matter if I was working on a production that enlightened people on Gender sensitivity and the importance of being aware of the politics behind such things.   It did not matter if I was going to dress up in women's clothes for a play production.  My parents saw me as a young man who viewed the world much more openly than they did and was willing to do anything for his art.    They never assumed I was anything but straight.  They never questioned the fact I would have a "best friend" who stayed over so often, and eventually  replaced with a new "best friend" who would stay just as frequently over.

And while that made hiding in the closet easier, it never changed the fact that the choice to come out was a choice that I had to make for myself.  Others don't have it so lucky.  Others find themselves thrown into the spotlight of coming out by the actions of other people.

But unless the choice to do so is embraced, there will always seemingly be an endless number of reasonable excuses not to.

"Coming Out is a Personal Thing."

No one, ideally, should be the reason for your coming out save your want to be out.  Being outed is never a pleasant experience.   (While there have been instances where the reaction is favorable, the moment of being outed is always a stressful moment of helplessness which I have heard is best never experienced by choice.)   Coming out is a personal choice.  It is an act of self empowerment.  It is a moment of recognizing yourself and being able to say who you are.

When I met my partner, part of me desired to finally come out in order to be able to proudly say I am with him.  But on further reflection, I realize how that the idea of being able to proclaim we were together was only born from the desire to firstly be able to say I am who I am.  While his presence in my life has inspired me and  lent me the courage to come out, it was my need to be able to be recognized as me that demanded it be done.  All those years of introducing my parents to my "best friend" had to end.  All those years of playing the pronoun game of "with my partner" or "with my significant other" tired me.  I wanted to say, "with HIM".  I wanted to say his name and not just his role in my life.

Coming out also became a personal act of reintroduction to my parents.  I wanted them to no longer have doubts of who I was.  Rumors fly quite easily in a Filipino community, and I was certain there have been those who asked them if I was gay before.  I am sure that they said I wasn't.  And I am doubly certain that they had moments they did ponder if I indeed was.  Coming out was to put that wondering to rest.

Did it make things more difficult for me and my parents?

Admittedly, I have been having it much easier than most.  My parents have been very expressive of how much they love and support me, even if they are still shocked and disappointed by the fact their son isn't as they had hoped he would be.  Their upbringing and personal ideals see my being gay as something they are still in some ways denying to be real, and in other ways, hurting but struggling to accept.  I've had my share of painful comments from them, but ultimately, I understand it is their way of coping.  I feel more the love and support they share than the fear they have of their son having "lost his way."

And while yes, there are those awkward moments (like when I joined my dad for dinner with his friends.  They were grilling me on whether I was seeing someone, and my dad adamantly told them, "No he isn't." even if he was aware of me living with my partner for over a year now.) they aren't anything more than growing pains of a family that is learning to recognize each other as adults and see each other clearer without having to read between the lines.  I had planned to post an entry detailing how the night of me coming out transpired, but as I write this entry, I realize that night will for now be something that I will not have online for the time being.  It will have to be something for me and my parents for now.  Something I may share in discussion face to face, but not something left out on the web for public consumption.

Maybe later on, when the hurting is less there for them (and in some ways, for me), I can give a clearer account of how it transpired.  Who knows, that might even inspire others to go for it to.

They say once you come out of the closet, you can never come back in.

Frankly, I've finally come out and I can't help but think why I even tried to stay in for so long in the first place.

Goodbye Closet.

I am finally out to my parents.  There will definitely be a blog post on that soon.

But for now, I will just relish the joy and happiness.

Thank you every one for your support.

Nearing the end of one era, and the beginning of another.

It begins.

I approached my dad today and told him, "Dad, is the family meeting happening today?"

Supposedly, the family is meeting to talk to my sister who has a few career changes in mind.  My parents want to talk to her about possibly making the most of this transition which in more common speak means finding a way to get her to live her life closer to how they want it to be.  Last week, I had mapped out that this week would be the week I was to come out to my parents.

Many years ago, back when dates were still appended with a 90 something, I came out to my brother on a night he was sharing with me a problem he was foreseeing.  Back then, he felt the world was ending with his problem.  But when I came out to him, he looked at me and said, "Yikes, yours IS going to be much harder."

Earlier this year, I came out to my sister.  She looked at me funny and finally admitted, "I actually knew before you told me."  When I asked why, it turns out a gay friend of mine whom she has worked with in the past accidentally blurted it out to her one evening.  He  was so happy to have met my sister and greeted her with a, "It is so cool that you are okay with your brother being-" "Being what?" she asked and that's when he realized he had outed me.  He made her swear never to admit he broke the news out to her too soon.  But clearly, family bonds are tougher than friendships.

Which makes today something I am in many ways worried about.  In my earlier entry, I spoke about how I might have to actually step from one closet into another just to help my parents accept things better.   I am starting to wonder, however, if that would truly be a better thing to do.  Coming out is an act of honesty.  An act of gaining strength in being finally true to oneself, even at the risk of emotional, and in some cases even physical, pain.   Would lying in the act of coming out just cheapen the act itself?

I was juggling the option of coming out for quite some time now.

After being in numerous relationships with both guys and girls in my life, I had in many ways seemingly perfected the "we're just friends" projection to the extent that I am certain that while there might have been doubts about me being straight before, such doubts were quickly quelled by close-minded logic.  I was into arts and theater and film, which for many parents is a warning sign in itself.  However, I was not into musicals as much as most were.  I was more into horror films than love stories.  And when it came to artwork, many found my stuff macabre and disturbing.   I wasn't effeminate in action or speech, but I did have a softness in how I carried myself.  I didn't have thoughts or cares for basketball or football and wrestling bored me.  I was more fascinated with swords and sorcery and dice and spaceships.

In many ways, I was a geek more than gay, and for my parents being a geek was the "answer" to why I probably didn't seem man enough.

But now, nearing my thirty third birthday, I realize I want to be honest at last.  For many years I dreaded birthdays because they always made me depressed.  They always made me think, "There goes another year my parents don't know their own son."  The idea of living another year lying to them was no longer something I could find acceptable.  And this was more so because in the last few months, I have found the one person who really gets me and understands me and accepts me for who I am.  I have found the person who makes love more than a word, and makes cliches more than a literary tool.  And unlike me, he has been proudly out and open about his sexuality.  He has been keeping my identity anonymous out of respect for the fact I was still in the closet.

It was an odd closet too.  

Odd considering everyone else in the world save for anyone directly associated to my parents and my parents themselves were the only ones who didn't know me as me.  To friends, co-workers, clients and new strangers I meet, I am out and proud.  I am the boyfriend of my partner.  I am the bisexual one in the group.  We proudly walk around the mall with our hands held together, or our bodies hugged close.  We would kiss when we felt the urge to.  We would talk about anything we wanted to.  There was no need to censor ourselves.  No need to hide.

So now, this strange closet has outlived its purpose.  It is time to break the doors open, and free the truth within.  Time to let the piggies inside that loves a wonderful handsome and intelligent Egg be free to oink out loud, "I'm here!  And yes, I ain't gonna hide again."

Am I scared shitless?

Yes.

I'm more scared about the revelation affecting my parents health more than anything.  While the pain of being disowned is terrible indeed, I feel that knowing my words might cause actual physical anguish scares me.  I would not want to be someone who sends his parents to the hospital when he tries to finally be himself.

But the fear is no different than the fear I know they too will have to face after this.  Once they know, they will fear others knowing what they know.  And only by showing them others knowing isn't as bad as they think it is will that fear begin to alleviate.   Courage is needed to come out.  Courage will be needed after as well.

Coming out feels to me like a race that I have been on for many many years.  There have been many false starts, especially back when I would try to get my parents to ask the question.  Deep down I always felt that if they asked, that meant they were ready to hear the answer.  But in the last few months, even after clearly speaking about how my boyfriend and I were looking for a place to live in, as well as how we were considering finding something rent-to-own, and the ultimate hint being when I told them I wasn't hoping to get back together with an ex girlfriend because I found the person who completes me (they strangely never asked who it was or if they could meet "her") I began to realize they knew the hints and picked up the clues but intentionally chose not to ask.    I began to consider that maybe just maybe they weren't asking because they thought I wasn't ready to say it.  Maybe they were waiting for me.

So, this is it.  I began the countdown to the end.
The family is meeting tonight to talk to my sister.  I realized it was the best time to share something else the family had to talk about.

I approached my dad today and told him, "Dad, is the family meeting happening today?"
My dad answered, "Yes.  It should.  Everyone was supposed to be here at four, but its just you so far."
I told him, "Good,  I'll want to discuss to you all something as well."
My Dad seemed curious.  He asked, "About what?"
I smiled and told him, "Later... when everyone is here."
My Dad pressed on, "About what?"
I told him, "About me."

Here's hoping it actually ends better than we've all heard coming out stories go.

Tell you more soon.

Here's hoping the finish line is a joyous celebration.