A Quickie Update, and a teaser on Quickie Fiction

It has been a while since I wrote something other than a piece of quickie fiction or a new geekwood entry.  And mind you it is not because of a lack of things to say.  God knows I have a lot of thoughts on being gay, being a geek, being a gay geek, being a guy, being a guy who likes guys, being a gay guy who still likes girls, being bisexual, being a gamer, being a gay gamer, being a geeky famer, being a gay geeky gamer...  and more.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

From blog action day topics, to theorgy initiated discussions (or at least discussion, since they haven't followed up on more), I can also write about my bar escapes, food recipes, drinking anecdotes, dating, sex, raising a family, caring for a home, style, reading, shows, movies, books, comics, toys, theater...

It is just that lately things have been a tad more taxing for me.  My partner was having some rough times when his wallet was picked by some bastard on the public railway.  I, on the other hand, had to deal with some doofus slamming their car into mine while on the highway.  Toss in the additional complications of ticket refunds, vacation planning, friends who had to move, parties that we weren't invited to, parties that we were, reunions, out of town trainings and our usual weekly gaming night and yep, time does get kinda scarce real quick.  But ultimately, one learns to balance things out, resist the temptation for quick fixes and unimportant acts of stupidity and learns to hold on to what matters more.

I guess for now though, allow me to leave this:

Quickie Fiction
My quickie fiction pieces are short stories that are born from events that have transpired, people I have met, places I have been to and anecdotes that I have either witnessed or was part of.  While I do mix and match things enough to maintain a fictional narrative, all the elements are born from something real.

I don't really know yet if I would be ready to outright narrate actual notes of my life in the way I do in my fiction (especially when it comes to matters of sex and making love) since I do hold in high regard my relationship with my partner and would not want to come of as attempting to flirt or titillate others using my blog.  While I am sure there are jerks who hold a relationship with one hand, then use their other hand to cyber sex whoever easy prey comes their way, I am frankly not one of those kinds of people.  And I even detest further those who use the net as an avenue to declare passion and love for someone else while claiming to be in a happy stable money-raining relationship.  Ugh.

But yes, read it carefully and you might find some gems hidden in the open in my quickie fiction.  Or hell, you might even find some touches that reflect something you know yourself!

While I might not score the hundreds of followers or visitors other gay blogs have, thanks to their soft-core porn posts and their frequent updates on celebrity skin, I am happy enough knowing there are those who appreciate much more intelligent... if not morally-aware blogging that is not afraid to be honest about the fact we are still all sexual beings.

Thanks for being a reader!

In the Dark

His hands were fumbling against my belt.

We first met during the night of a full moon.  I was bored and online, surfing through profiles upon profiles of men who seemed to have fit my list of preferred qualifications, when his private message reached my inbox.  I stared at the tiny black number one that was bordered by a yellow burst of color and for a moment wondered if it was really meant for me.  Not being out back then, I did not sport a picture of myself in my profile.  Everyone knows people who did not sport a profile picture rarely received any messages in a social network.  More so in a gay one.

I reached down and offered to unbuckle it myself.  He grunted and instead spun me to face the other way.  With his arms wrapped around me from behind, he slipped the belt free.  I could feel him hard and ready against me from behind.  His jeans did little to conceal that fact.

As rare as it was to get a message, the one he sent was far from conventional.   Most opened crudely with inquiries on one's preferred sexual role: Are you top?  Do you bottom?   His message, while far from the eloquence of Shakespeare, did stand out:

Was wondering if you were bored as I was tonight.  

Hitting a bar and was hoping to drag someone along with me to drink with.  

No promises.  Just company.  

It sounded smug.  Arrogant even.  And clearly, while written to not sound like a sexual invite, clearly implied that the idea was considered but left "on hold" pending actually meeting.   I glanced at the time and realized it was nearly midnight.  It took me barely a second to realize I too was bored.

My last meet up was a disaster.  The guy, while not unattractive, was far from what I had expected to see.  Photoshop seems to be liberally used on profile pictures as of the late, and his showed a greater mastery in the art of smoothening and blending.  His name never lingered in my head.  What did were the craters that marked his face by the unforgiving powers of acne.  But it wasn't his blatant act of deception of his looks or his apparent marked countenance that earned him the label of being an absolute bad night, it was his desperation to convince me to sleep with him.

Barely fifteen minutes into the conversation, Mr. Pimple asked nonchalantly, "So, you are a top, right?"  I was driving and tried not to scowl.  I failed miserably.  "Was that the only reason you wanted to meet up?"  I don't think he heard my reply.  Because what followed was an unabashed admission of how he liked it rough and dirty.

He ran his hands across my body, with his fingers coming to rest against my chest.  I did not have much of a body, I must admit.  Going to the gym was just a recently gained interest of mine.  His body suggested a much longer affair with free weights.    I was about to say something -- perhaps suggest we move to the bedroom -- but he quickly clamped one hand over my mouth and slowly shook his head.  I felt his rough chin brush against my nape as he did so.

I wanted to turn around and face him.  I wanted to kiss his lips and taste his tongue.  I wanted to see his eyes.  But his hand on my face held fast and firm, keeping me from moving.  His other hand pried free the buttons of my jeans and allowed the denim to hit the floor.  My body felt trapped underneath the rest of my clothes.  I strained to move, but his embrace had a power over me.  A control.  And while I knew I had the strength to push him aside, deep down I felt I did not want to.

"If you didn't want to fuck, why did you message back?"  I stared at Mr. Pimple and tried not to sneer at him.  He reached for my pants for the fourth time and I pushed his hands back like I had earlier.  I told him that wasn't what I wanted.  Was it too strange to want to actually spend the first night getting to know one another?  Was a conversation so alien a concept?  "You know, you can just fuck me quick and I'll head home.  At least my night won't be an utter waste."

I shoved him out of my car and left him cursing on the street.

A disaster.

But this time, the message sounded more like what I had been hoping to find.  I ran his words through my head again.  As bored as I.  Drink with.  No promises.  Company.  I quickly typed a reply and stated yes a drink would be nice.  My fingers moved faster than my brain and added how not having sex was fine too, but definitely not off the menu for future meet ups.  Thankfully, my eyes caught up and alerted me from clicking send in the nick of time.  I deleted the last two lines and kept it simple.  There was no need to sound like I was looking too far ahead.  No need to sound too anxious.

"Yes, a drink would be nice.  Where and what time?  I've got a car."

I stared at the full moon as I waited for the light to turn red.  I had a simple pair of jeans on and a plain white tee.  I wasn't much into clothes.  Didn't care for the labels.  He looked like he did.  Or at least his profile picture suggested that much.  Few people who cared little for clothing brands would ever have their picture professionally taken.  His clearly was.

He was standing at the corner where he said he would be, illuminated by the windows of a nearby convenience store.  His hair was longer.  Messier.  His clothes much simpler than his picture offered.  He was tall, just above six feet, and that made him taller than me.  A soul patch on his chin.  A cigarette lit against the night's cold.  I stopped the car and opened the door.  We exchanged hellos.  He waited to be invited in.

We drove to a nearby cafe and ordered something to drink.  We traded stories.   Hobbies.  Anecdotes on what we were interested in.  He shared his recent attempts to find new friends.  I shared my disaster stories.  We were both veterans in the search for friends in a sea that sold only sex.    We talked for hours and yet I barely felt the passage of time.   It was an exhilarating feeling though, to talk and feel like you could say anything freely.   And he gave me that.

I felt him pulling against his own pants.  His hand fumbled once more against the buttons.  I reached back to help.  He pulled my hands away.  I obeyed.  He kicked his pants off and I heard land a few feet away.  His hands grabbed my shirt and pulled it upwards, forcing my hands to rise up with the cloth.  Blind for that moment, I felt him clamp his hands over my chest.  Rough fingers hunted for my nipples.  He squeezed.  I shuddered.  I pulled the shirt over my head slid it completely free.  He squeezed again.   I wasn't sure when he slid his own shirt off, but when he pulled me close I felt his hairy body press against mine.  He was warm.  Comforting.  A heat against the cold of the metal chain around my neck.  In the feeble light, the crucifix reflected nothing but shadows.  

And then he pushed me against the wall.

We met a few more times.  We talked often.  Instant messengers were close allies.  Text messaging more so. Barely a week in, our conversations began to touch on things that were far more personal.  Dreams.  And the roots behind them.  Fears.  And the incidents that left their scars.  He learned of my last relationship.  Of the four long years of lies that I was never blind to.  I simply told myself it was better than being alone.

And he told me of his son.

We went out often, drinking and dancing at times, depending on the mood.  We never kissed.  We never flirted.  But oh, how we danced.  We moved with the music like the world ceased to spin.  We moved and we danced like it was a language we alone could speak.  We danced.  And we never danced with anyone else.

I felt him press against me again.  I felt his breath against my neck.  I wanted to speak.  I wanted to ask where this was leading to.  Was this the turning point?  Was this the time we finally admitted the presence of a growing desire that had been well nurtured those last few months?  Were we finally at that moment when we realized how much we had in common?  How little we had to fear of one another?  Was this the moment when the seed of friendship bloomed into something far more tangible?  Far more real?


I turned around and this time he relented.  He looked at my body, a stark white against the darkness, and slowly began to smile.  I was breathing heavily, uncertain if it was the time for words.  He was dotted with sweat and slid his thumbs behind the band of his boxers.

The rest of the world understood.  Our favorite haunts would open their doors for us when we arrived, together or on our own.  His favorite haunt was this place in Quezon City.  The second floor was exclusively meant for guests of the owner.  And Him.  But each time I showed up ahead of him, I would be allowed upstairs without a second thought.  It felt special.  It felt nice.

Waiters knew what our drinks were.  And the deejays played our songs.

Was I falling for him?  I wasn't sure then.  I was, however, happier than I had ever been.  I felt a connection and felt that was enough.   I felt my company was appreciated and enjoyed and thought nothing more of it.  He never flirted around.  I never felt I needed to.  We were just happy.  We were just together.

It was nearing the end of a friend's birthday party when I decided to ask if he wanted to come over.  I had never asked before.  He said yes.   We reached my house after half a bottle of tequila and a few more shots of Jagermeister.  He asked to use the bathroom.  I locked up and lead him to the closest one.  The lights were out and the windows were open.  The dawn was still an hour away.

We fumbled in the dark.  He stubbed his toe against an unseen chair.  I steadied him from falling.  He clutched his hands around my waist.  His hand found my belt.   He fumbled.

That was a few seconds ago.  

Now, we stared at each other's face.  We breathed in unison, feeling a growing passion that was fanning into a flame.  I think this is how it begins.  How passion grows into something far greater than one night stands. I think this is how one falls in love.

He reaches for his boxers.  I grin, excited to make love to the man who has grown to know me.  I am happy to know he knows me as well.

This was no one night stand.

"No promises."

And that quickly, it was cold again.

-----
In the Dark
a quickie fiction by tobie

Theorgy. And Why I Blog.

My partner alerted me to an upcoming gay blogger event called Theorgy which has definitely perked my interest.  The idea is to have numerous gay bloggers write on a specific topic on a specific day, with September one being devoted to the topic of Coming Out.

Could this be the start of a good thing?
I hope so.

The term Theorgy sounds like a play with words to me:  Theory being merged with Orgy.   The idea seems to do suggest that it is about a group of people doing a sharing of views and perhaps a study of beliefs and opinions.  The word play is quite quaint and it does grab attention.

I feel happy to see that there is movement in having gay blogs contain more than the usual mix of nearly naked men, sexual escapades, fashion, rumor or blind item controversies, or porn reviews.  While I will admit to having my own share of interests in such things, I will state a part of me really hopes to find more gay blogs that discuss topics beyond the usual nsfw variety.

Jakey agrees.  Can't always just be about his body, right?

Being gay, after all, is a much more colorful experience than just sex, naked men, and rumors of who is and isn't still in the closet.  While I have been blogging for many years, I only started blogging about my gay life after realizing that I did want to have one which reflected on such topics more freely.  My current blog is already overly cluttered with posts on role playing games, daily grind rants, geekgasms on upcoming movies and games, and the like.  Blame it on the rain, bro became my outlet to discuss things which definitely reflected more of my gay life and clearly that was more than just sex.

Yep.  Too many people ignoring their brains and using their dicks to do the thinking.
Others don't even bother trying to think.

I wonder though why many seem to limit their gay experience to be the sexual kind.  While I understand that it is sex, sexual interest, and gender identity that defines one to be gay, I would not like to think that everything else in the world then becomes default straight.  My partner cautioned me though in believing that there aren't any such blogs out there.  Many, he shared, did exist must most have gone inactive in as the years gone by.

Oh dead blogs.  I hardly knew you.

I wonder if others out there would like to try to help make the presence of such blogs more known.

I've tried reading some of the gay friendly local blogs that I have heard of and some didn't quite rub me the right way.  I wasn't too happy to see blogs that seemed to view the idea of infidelity or fooling around with married men as "an exciting moment" in one's life.  I didn't quite agree with other blogs that suggested wearing branded clothes was the standard which defined a gay man as having class or not.  I was literally turned off by  blogs that seemed devoted to spreading rumors, accusing others of being closeted and celebrating the (what I feel is an abusive) art of blind items.

Why not more gay blogs that talk about life beyond the waistband and lubricated anus?  Why not blogs that reflect we can love sports beyond the muscular guys who wear them tiny shorts?  Why not blogs that talk about how cooking became an icebreaker on how they reached out to their parents and regained acceptance?   Or how being HIV positive opened one's eyes to living a much more positive and appreciative life?   Lots of gay friends I know lead colorful, challenging, and over all interesting lives.  Why can we not celebrate these lives more in our blogs?

Maybe if Will and Grace did this more often, the show would have had a stronger
staying power for today's gay audience?

In many ways I feel the kind of blogs out there nicely reflect the kind of gay friendly shows we finally have access to as well.  Years back, beautifully written shows like Will and Grace showed us that a gay man can be very multifaceted.  Will stood out in contrast to his friend Jack, yet both got along campily well in many other ways.  But then came shows like Queer as Folk and Dante's Cove which seemed to focus more on the sexual energy and abusive relationships that also existed in gay couplings.  It doesn't come as a surprise that a lot of people love the shows, but it does make me worry how many still have the misconception that a gay lifestyle is limited to that kind of a life.   I am still hoping for more people to learn of shows like Torchwood and Modern Family to see that being gay can go much further than just being a guy who loves to sleep around and can't keep their dick in their pants.  Sadly, even a very well executed and written show like Glee still seems lacking in the gay =/= sex department.  I have yet to really see from Curt see more than his right to have feelings for Finn.  I would have liked Curt to be mature enough to understand that Finn does also deserve to have his own personal space.

Oh no, I dissed Curt.  I wonder if that's Hate Mail I hear coming?
Oh Curt can't wait to see me suffer for dissing him.

In a way, the feeling that the world needs to see more gay blogs that aren't obsessing over other's men's genitalia will be a huge source of momentum for me in keeping this blog going.  I wouldn't like people who aren't blessed with the joy of having gay friends to find nothing but meat, meat, meat, and more meat online when they chance upon a gay friendly site.  I think keeping this blog alive would be my part in helping show that the gay experience is far more than just a change of pussycats with roosters.

In can be a whole lot more colorful than they can ever dream.

Shouldn't we then do what we can to help them see that?

While it is hard to think of good gossip, here's an example of Bad Gossip.

Hey everyone, sorry for the long delay.  Having recently come out to my parents, I haven't gotten around to getting the details to finally sink in and come out as a coherent blog post.

For now, however, let me talk about something else:
Here in Manila, one of the key gay hangout spots is Malate.  Once the central bohemian destination where musicians, artists and writers converged, the place - and more specifically the intersection of Nakpil and Orosa street - have transformed with the times to become a gay mecca in the metropolis.  There are a number of gay friendly establishments along this strip, with two bars being most notable:  O bar and Bed.  Both cater to the drink and party crowd and both have their own pros and cons.  Many who seek to relive the illusion of a wild life presented by shows like Queer as Folk prefer Bed and its overly expensive drinks and massive flirtation space.  Others who have begun to see the joys of bonding with friends have begun to embrace O bar as the place to be.  And while both bars of course have their own share of monkeys and undesirables, both tend to have crowds whose main drive that night is towards one or the other.

But I'm not focusing this blog post to talk about the bars, though.

Instead I am focusing on the existence of a small page in Facebook that seeks to stylize itself as some kind of Gossip Girl wannabe.   With struggling English, thinly veiled code names, and a very large tendency to get the facts wrong, the page has declared itself a hub for the latest gossip about certain people who hang out in the area.  As of this blog posting, the page has targeted a dancer and a few regular customers of O bar, and has even released a list of more names to follow.

While the urge to gossip and share news about other people seems to be a strong trait of anyone more social than not, I do not know if I can appreciate a site that prides itself in spreading rumors about people who aren't  even celebrities.  Celebrities already walk a thin line in having private and public lives separate.  And some would even say celebrities don't have much of a choice, since their personal lives are in many ways what make them even more popular.  This self-proclaimed gossip site, however, targets private individuals and worse, shares unconfirmed (or at least claims to have confirmed, but clearly has details wrong) rumors about them.   The most recent entry on a Mr. U.B.E. has many facts twisted askew and while the entry tries to sound somewhat respectful or favorable of the guy being a nice guy, shares potentially damaging information about someone the page itself declares as "This guy is often quiet, shy, and real nice."   The page even alludes to some group thing going on and claims the reason for one of them staying with the two others is "withheld", when the real reasons is actually because the other guy simply needed a place to stay at for a while.  Ergo, the real reason, which lacked any real malice, was intentionally kept from the readers to again build intrigue and malice.

The page could be fun.  There is always something nice about reading blind items about celebrities.   But the beauty about blind items is that it keeps things vague and interesting without being insulting or slanderous.  This page fails to do just that.   Instead, it seems to think intrigue and making insinuations about others is a positive and fun thing that doesn't harm others.

And clearly, the people behind the page itself are aware of this fact.  They know how wrong what they are doing actually is.  Why?  Because they choose to stay anonymous to avoid being targeted themselves.

To those listed as current and future targets of the page, while I might not know you all personally and to be honest, I might not even be able to consider you all as someone I'd call a friend, I still feel for you and how this page seeks to slander you for sheer fun.

To the people behind this page, either shape up and get your act straight, or quit and vanish people someone actually takes action against you.  Realize worse things have been done to people who try to ruin the reputation and name of other people.  Slander and libel are also things you should research on.  Take my advice and quit while you haven't riled up the wrong people, or you might find yourself gossiping more than you can handle and learning how words can be the catalyst for worse things.  I.P. addresses can be traced.  Online identities can be hunted down.  Things can be done.  Quit before things get out of hand, for your own sake.  Are you forgetting that you live in the Philippines?  Worse things have happened to people for far less.

So What Am I Into, then?

Having read my earlier posts, you probably are now wondering what I am then into?
Well, let's see if I can sum it up nicely here.

First of all, I am proudly a geek.

I love fantasy and science fiction (though not necessarily all kinds).  My favorite show is currently Lost.  My favorite movie, however, is American Beauty.  While I'm not into toy collecting, I do have a fondness for a lot of things 80s.  I miss 8-bit graphics, and I still have happy memories of Voltes V, Voltron (the Lions, not the vehicles), Macross, Gai King, Transformers, M.A.S.K., Spiral Zone, and more.  I am neither a Trekker, Trekkie or Star Wars addict, however I do appreciate both franchises.  Just not as much as I do Battlestar Galactica.  

I am a gamer.  I storytell game sessions of White Wolf Gaming Studio's World of Darkness line.  I have had my share of Dungeons and Dragons, but the flexibility and story crafting focus of the WOD appeals to me more than the hack and slash tactical feel of d20.   I still have my odd moments where I run either DC Heroes, Exalted, Children of Fire, Paranoia and more.

I am also a film maker.  I have worked on a few short films and have acted in a few.

I am a writer, with some published work under my name.  I have also written two short plays which have been produced by students from different universities.  I have also won some minor awards.

I am a comics geek.  I love various comics with Vertigo's limited run The Enigma winning first place.  I have a special spot in my heart for WE3, Sandman, Fables, Y The Last Man, Legion of Super Heroes, The Walkin Dead, The earlier Authority run,  Planetary, Shade the Changing Man, David Mack's Kabuki, Carlo Vergara's ZsaZsa Zaturnnah and Tobie Abad's Diliman.

I consider myself an artist even if I have feeble attempts at painting, line art, and computer generated artwork. I tend to have a strange unconventional approach to things.  I tend to come up with looks or designs that seem off-kilter or weird or strange.

I love horror.  Clive Barker hits me in the right spot.  Stephen King has his moments, but at times I feel he's overrated, treading over the same ground over and over again.  I would high recommend High Tension over Hostel.  Or Paranormal Activity over Dawn of the Dead.  I actually liked The Blair Witch Project, but more so because I was in the hype of it being real back when it was released before everyone knew it as some award winning indie film.  I actually enjoyed Cloverfield more than Godzilla.  I still think Freddy Kreuger is king and Jaws is a perfect horror film.  I've been trying to read more.  I used to love reading Banana Yoshimoto and Poppy Z. Brite.  I also had an Anne Rice phase.  Twilight disgusts me.  Wheel of Time puts me to sleep.  I'm now trying to get through Dune, which I am having trouble with not because it is badly written but because it is so well written I find it hard to skim through it too quickly.  Once I'm done, I'm going to whet my appetite with Murakami and Prachett.  I had a Piers Anthony phase too, but that quickly passed.

I love music.  I have over 200 different movie soundtracks and scores simply because I love hearing how people "translate" a story or mood into a song.  I am not that much into classical music although there are some pieces I do appreciate.   I am not into opera, however I do like Carmen and Carmina Burana.  I have my share of musicals, but top on the list is currently In the Heights, Repo a Genetic Opera, Hedwig and the Angry Inch and Rent.  As for musicians, I used to be very much into Tori Amos until she got a band to back her up.  I have a huge spot in my heart for Jason Mraz.  I still love Kylie, Mika, Lily Allen and Ne-Yo.  I am not so much into the divas however (and personally think Mariah Carey is waaaaay over-rated.)  I highly recommend Ingrid Michaelson, Adele, Zee Avi, Maria Mena and Jose Vanders.  Lady Gaga is fun to dance too, funner to watch, but not so much to sing.

I am online most of the time.  I don't like MMORPGs and refuse to see them as roleplaying games.  I tend to be online to be in touch with my friends or to read up on articles and forums I've subscribed to.  I am not much of a chat/webcam/camsex person and frankly, if you are, that's fine.  Just know I tend to really go out of my way to talk only to those who show a genuine interest getting to know me as a friend, rather than just for some one night sexual thing.  I am no longer in any gay social networks.  I quit once I got together with my partner and I see no reason to go back.  Such places 95% of the time are for hookups anyway.  I have Facebook and the like to keep in touch with friends anyway.

I do go out.  I have a very very small list of places that I frequent.  Given the choice, I rather stay home and drink with some friends since that allows me to be comfortable and just have fun.  No problems with people shoving me around.  No problems with drunk jerks making a scene.  Singing is cool.  Dancing is better.  But playing dress up only ever happens if there's enough alcohol and laughter to go around.

I am in a relationship.  My partner is a wonderful, sweet, sexy, intelligent man who shares with me a bond unlike any other.  We have conquered tidal waves and unexpected droughts, and we continue to grow stronger and more passionate each day.  We haven't been together long, but I have no doubts we will be together for much much longer than most expect.  I'd write here the kinds of men and women I find attractive, but I thought it might be best to save that for a future post.  Sadly as of this writing, I am still not out to my parents and family.  However, friends, co-workers and neighbors all know me to be gay.  My partner and I walk around malls holding each others hands.  We kiss when we want to.  We call each other "Love" and other endearments in public without fear or embarrassment.  But until I find the chance to come out to my parents (and more on why I haven't in future posts), I will have to keep things anonymous to some extent online.

For now, however, I hope this paints you a picture of the kind of stuff I am into.