Thursday, April 8, 2010

Should I stay or should I go

My partner and I have been together for nearly a full year now.

And yet, I have been in the closet for more than thirty years.

It is strange how even with all the progress we have achieved in so far as gender issues are concerned, the fear of disappointing one's parents and being disowned still has its sting.   I had always believed myself to be a brave soul.  I have faced many of my fears before and survived them.  I have even faced the threat of ridicule and embarrassment before masses of people.  And yet here I am, nearing another birthday, and still worried if I will ever be able to face my parents head on and tell them, "Mom, Dad.  There is something I want you to know.  Your son is gay."

It isn't even about me worrying about no longer being taken care of.  For many years I have been self-sufficient, surviving on my meager earnings and balancing out my budget on my own.

I would like to believe it isn't about being disowned, because part of me believes I have already found the other person who completes me.   But I guess deep down, I do fear being told that I can no longer consider myself part of the family.  Call me a wuss, but family attachments are important.  And deep down, I love my family and have no dreams of being labelled a stranger by them.

These are the kind of conflicting thoughts that I find myself going through which I realize I cannot even blog about unless I created a blog separate from my own profile.   I needed an outlet where I could discuss these kind of topics freely.  A place where I can proclaim, "Yes, there are bisexuals who aren't just in a phase.  Not all of us bisexuals are just too scared to claim we're gay."  A box where I can stand up and share my own experiences and views to an audience without being insensitive to my parents who aren't aware yet that I'm not straight.

My partner, who has been very open about his sexuality, once commented that so many of the gay blogs he used to read have suddenly vanished.  Of the few that do remain, some are wonderful sites talking about gay life, while others seem more determined to simply propagate the idea that gay people want nothing but sex and buff bodies and penises.

And so, this blog was born.

I'm no fashionista.  I'm not a fan of Miss Universe.  I don't like cross dressing and I can't name Mariah Carey songs by title.  I don't think Madonna is a goddess nor do I know all musicals at heart.   But I do have my own share of geekiness and my own opinions to share.   I don't even find the typical hairless muscle-bodied pretty boys attractive (I prefer men with meat).  So will this blog be smart, witty, or worth the time to read?

I guess only time will tell for certain.

But if you don't like what end up reading, either drop me a comment or just blame it on the rain, bro.


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