Geekwood: Ianto Jones

Fans of the Dr. Who spin-off series Torchwood would for certain remember him for his endearing good looks and charming personality.  While clearly John Barrowman's Captain Jack Harness would be the hot hunk for many gay men out there, my vote still goes to the man known to us as Ianto Jones.  Played by Gareth David-Lloyd, Ianto Jones was at first just the guy who makes tea for the members of Torchwood.  But as the episodes began to gain momentum, so did his role in the story.

He looked soooo young and innocent when he was first introduced.

Like myself, Ianto had heterosexual relationships in the past before he finally found the man who made him feel special.  While things may have started far more casual in the beginning, the feelings he had for Captain Jack slowly deepened into something far more important and genuine.

Flirtations with the boss.

Alas, it was in the Children of Earth story arc where Ianto's fate would finally be revealed.  In what seemed like a cosmic act of irony, Captain Jack's willingness in the past to sacrifice 12 children to the aliens known only as the 456 comes back to haunt him with the man who has won his heart paying the price.  Ianto Jones dies in Captain Jack's arms as the aliens release a fatal virus in the Thames House.

I just knew it... I just knew he was going to die.
The hands said it all!

Ianto showed a loyalty towards both his lover and his team in more ways than one.   While the fan following was strong enough for him to return in other spin-off installments of Torchwood (such as in a comic which explores Ianto living as an alternate reality, or in the Torchwood audio drama books which also have a greater exploration of the chemistry he shared with the group's immortal leader), his passing is a painfully beautiful reminder of how fleeting and precious each and every moment of time actually is. 

Didn't like the art much here.  They all look wrong.

In one of the audio books, Ianto watched over a comatose Captain Jack and considered his role in the life of a man whose timeline was greater than anything Ianto could ever hope to match.   He ends up speaking of his thoughts aloud, sharing his insecurities of being so insignificant in the life of someone who was literally immortal:

I wish I could meet you at a convention someday.
And yes, keep the fuzz.  It works!

"But let's be honest, Jack. I'm… nothing more than a blip in time for you, Jack. 

Every day, I grow a little older. But you're immortal. 

You've already lived a thousand lifetimes. 

How could you watch me grow old and die? 

How can I watch you live and never age a day?"

But Jack awakes from his coma and eventually promises him, 

"You will never be just a blip in time, Ianto Jones."

ADORABLE.  And the bears are cute too.

Now, I know many are probably out there wondering why would I feature such a dorky looking guy for this week's geekwood entry.  The guy doesn't look like a hunk.  He clearly fails to deliver a good set of abs.  Some would even consider his receding hairline a huge reduction on any hotness scale.  But for me, Ianto embodies a bisexual man who truly deserves to be recognized and remembered.  His loyalty and compassion were balanced well against his desire to remain logical and structured.  He was an example of strength and fortitude, yet had a sensitive and empathetic side which most men would be too afraid to show.  He is smart, attractive, and charming and dresses very well for someone who might have to square off against some alien monstrosity any time of the day.

Here he is all older, more rugged, and still damn fashionable.

And lastly, he knows "the lots of things one can do with a stopwatch."


You can't beat that, eh?





While there are many people who wish Ianto would come back, and others have even considered their own ways of how it can happen, I am one of those who feel his death should be left alone and respected for the impact is has made both in the show and to the viewers.   Too often, the death of pivotal characters is too easily retconned or rewritten for the sake of ratings or sales.  I would rather Ianto's story remains as it currently is, with any further exploration done instead through flashbacks or other similar devices.





But yes, it would be nice if Ianto Jones somehow still does appear in Torchwood's later incarnations (be it the BBC or the American spin-off).   I wouldn't mind it too much if he reemerges as some kind of Virtual Intelligence Butler in the computers, sort of like a ghost in the machine, that retains all of the original Ianto's memories but knows he isn't the same being... or even just as flashes of his time in Captain Jack's life whenever Jack turns a tad introspective over how things have changed so quickly.

Oh to have my own Virtual Ianto on my laptop!

For those who want to see more of Gareth David-Lloyd, be happy to know he had a recent Sherlock Holmes movie by the masters of rip-offs The Asylum where he plays the role of Dr. Watson.   

I actually find him hotter than Jude Law.

He also is the frontman of a progressive metal band named Blue Gillespie.  

I definitely know of people who'd love to see more skin.
For now, at least we get some armpit teasing!

So here's hoping the writers find a way to get our lovable man back on the show.  Ianto Jones, if only that "stopwatch" meant you were actually just hiding your secret Gallifreyan identity.  And yes, here's hoping that in real life, we are all never just blips of time in someone else's life.

Anything goes but don't blink you might miss

Last night was a blast!

Hot and Dangerous Bear on his Guard Shark.
These are definitely deadly waters, boys.

It seems my relationship with Rocky continues to be one that breaks new ground in so many ways.  After all those years, with the way our lives were moving as separate journeys in the past, one would have thought we would have seen everything there is to be seen.  Then a night like last night comes along and shows you how much more there is in our lives together to celebrate as a couple.


Last night, my partner and I along with our good musically-inclined friend hit O bar for another night of dance-able music, caffeinated beer, and campy fun!  Boy did last night deliver!  Rest assured tonight was a nice of quotable quotes, with my favorite one flowing in this manner:

"So, do you still think I made a mistake getting married so soon?"

"No, definitely not at all.  I'm now rethinking my lifestyle."

And in many ways, that quote captures how wonderful the night was.   While we both indulged in respectable levels of excess, our loyalties to one another never wavered, and once again the richness and strength of a strong and passionate relationship were again visible for all to see.   Visible enough for one to admit that a lifestyle of just one-night stands does not compare.

Not quite what I wanted to use,
but it is close enough I guess. 

I recall someone once attempting to "enlighten" me by telling me about how a relationship is nothing but a gilded cage.  There was another person who tried to question the strength of our commitment to one another, musing about us merely hanging on to each other with spider threads.  It can be sad how there really are people who are so against the idea of loyalty and relationships that they would have to spend much of their own time futilely attempting to erode a happy couple's life together.  But I guess one has to accept the fact that such people really exist.  To quote Fleetwood Mac, "Players only love you when they're playing."


(On a side note, as I type this, my Facebook account is having some weird quirk keeping me from accessing pages and even my own profile page.  While I'd like to think this was just some ISP related issue, the fact that my partner can freely surf on our wifi connection reinforces the fear that this may be another one of my "haters" activities.  I do hope I'm just being paranoid and this is some internal quirk on Facebook's side.)

Good show.  Just makes me wonder where its heart really is.

I wonder why the concept of a loyal stable relationship frightens so many people?  Part of me thinks it is in a great part the fault of shows like Queer as Folk which sensationalized and popularized the idea that a slutty, sex-focused life is the only viable life a queer can ever embrace.  The idea that relationships are pointless since love is nothing compared to the next throbbing boner that comes your way was epitomized by Gale Harold's character Brian Kinney.  It doesn't help that his motto embraces the idea that all straight people are out to hate us queers.   God knows I hate Brian and his shallowness.  He does have some level of depth, but his lack of willingness to embrace honesty just makes him less tragic and more pathetic in my eyes.  I wonder at times what Russel T. Davies had hoped to achieve by having Brian as the lead character in that show.   His Dr. Who episodes are sheer genius and represent the strength of human virtues in so many ways.   Was QAF merely his "release" of the baser things that define us?  Was there supposed to be a great "shift" in Brian's character that was due to come on the sixth season that never happened?  The American broadcast of the show had a disclaimer that read:

"Queer as Folk is a celebration of the lives and passions of a group of gay friends.

It is not meant to reflect all of gay society"

I can't help but wonder if so many people who despise relationships failed to read that particular disclaimer.  Part of me can't help but feel that as wonderfully real and touching the stories are in Queer as Folk, I would have hoped to have greater examples of the strength of committed gay relationships present in television.  Modern Family tries to do this, albeit in a funny way.  Four Weddings and a Funeral beautifully reflected a gay relationship without even having to declare the word, "gay."   I'm still having mixed feelings about Glee, since Curt seems to be too much of a show favorite at times, with his supposed demands for being accepted trampling over the rights of other people to have personal space.  Why I loved the way they portrayed how his father dealt with his coming out, I feel the show was a tad too biased when Curt's imposition of sharing a room with (the man he lusts for) his "brother" Finn lead to Finn demanding for personal space, but rather than showing how Curt was going too far, the show focused on Finn's outburst with the use of a "bad word."

The most non-stereotype gay couple on film ever.

Understandably, one can look at things in another perspective and ask, "Why should one define a successful relationship based on the Hollywood model of a happy straight relationship?  Why should the idea of one's life being a romantic comedy blockbuster be better than a sexually charged QAF episode?"   But the thing is, I'm not going for a Hollywood relationship.  I'm not looking for the happily ever after such movies claim to exist.  I'm not so immature to believe love literally conquers all.  


I do, however, believe that with everything is the act of making a choice.
And the choice to make a relationship work is a choice we all have the right to make.

Those who see a prison obviously mistake guarding something valuable as putting it in a cage.

Choosing to be in a relationship is not about choosing to be imprisoned.  Or choosing to live a boring life.  Oh no.  If anything, last night proves that a relationship that is strong and absolutely secure in its foundations can rock the night away with tongues waggling and eyes envious for more.


Last night was, simply put, Wow.
And let me tell you, no one is luckier than I was last night.
Why?





Because I am Rocky's.
And he is mine.

I found you.

Sex, Love, and No Regrets

I was at my favorite haunt to celebrate a friend's birthday party when a guy came up to me asked for a light.  Having pretty much stopped smoking save for the odd occasion when the need for nicotine hits me in an attempt to keep myself calm, I motioned to the nearby lighter that was on the table and gave him a friendly smile to say, "Go ahead."  The guy wasn't that bad, to be honest.  Much more fit than the usual monkey that hits on me, the guy ran a wide hand over his semi-skinhead and reached past me to get the lighter.  He lit the cigarette, took a deep puff, before holding the lighter out in front of me to take it back.  I cocked my head and gave him a blank stare as if wondering why he didn't just place it back on the table.

Sometimes I wonder if I should let the bouncers toss these people out.

I guess I should have known.

The DJ had yet to shift to the next song when the guy returned, planted himself beside me, and started to dance. I reached for my glass, refilled it with some beer, then added a dash of extra joss as usual.  I wasn't particularly in the mood to shoot down monkeys as usual and I had promised my partner that I would try to be nicer, so I stayed close to the table and gave the dancing guy enough room to dance his heart out.

Before I knew it, I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard:

"So why aren't you dancing?"

I turned to face the guy and raised my eyebrows.  I offered a smile and motioned towards my friends, explaining, "I'm having fun hanging with my friends."  Realizing he was probably trying to ask me to dance with him, I added, "I usually just dance with my partner.  It is just that he's at work right now."

The guy shrugged and reached for my glass to try and take it from my hand.  I looked at him incredulously, wrapped my free hand against his, and shook my head to say no.

Monkeys.  Maybe I should devote a blogspot to explain why
I call them monkeys?  Hmm...

"It is just a dance," the guy reasoned, and perhaps in a bid to get me interested, reached up to scratch his head again and flash a hint of his meaty bicep and the dark valley of armpit hair.  To his dismay, I just pulled my glass free, took a deep swag, and told him, "Thanks but I'm good."  It was an opening for him to just walk away.  It was an opportunity to save face rather than be shot down.   I guess I was hoping for too much.

"It is your fault you know.  That's what you get for being 'married.'"

I stared at him as he said these words.  There was a smart-ass expression on his face.  It was a futile attempt to make me "realize" how much I was missing.   What he failed to comprehend, however, is that I'm not the one who is missing out on anything.   My life with my partner is a life filled with reasons to be happy literally each and every single day.  As cliché as it sounds,  our being in a relationship has not reduced the happiness in our lives.  Nor has it made us feel like prisoners as some would try to make relationships be perceived as.

This incident reminded me of something my partner shared a few days back.  There was a series of status posts and updates from friends of his that were exulting their being single.  They sprouted out declarations of how being single was a choice equated to choosing to live happy, exciting and adventurous lives.  Now I'm all for embracing happiness as a choice of how one views one's life, and frankly I don't think happiness can only be achieved if one is in a relationship, but I don't however think that embracing a life of sleeping around with some new boy toy each night is more fulfilling that finding someone whom you accepts you as who you are and is someone you accept in such a way in return.  Having access to a variety of orgasmic joys might be sensually  intoxicating but people who think sexual excitement dies once one chooses to be loyal and exclusive to another person are clearly people who fail to know how to truly make love to another.

Yeah, you guys can go fill them bottles over and over again.
I'm no longer part of the stupid repetitive machine.

Fucking is more than just point A being inserted into point B.  Satisfying your partner is more than just having a scheduled fuck day, and it is even far worse if the days in between are spent fooling around with whatever new conquests hits the other's fancy.  The human body is filled with places to explore.  And even more secret places when you consider what happens when two people in love truly choose to explore each other's bodies together.

It is called making love for a reason.

Ending the Run.

As I stated about it in an earlier entry, our relationship didn't start with sex.  But as our relationship continues to grow stronger with the passage of each and every single day, so does the many ways we learn to satisfy each other in many different ways.

"That's what you get for getting married."

You betcha.
I'm absolutely sure that I can speak for both of us when I say we have no regrets being together.     Things aren't perfect, that's for sure.  But things keep getting better each and every single day.

I only wish someday, Mr. Monkey, you get a chance to experience what I do on a daily basis.
I'm sure someday you'll realize you'll grow tired of waking up in the next morning and showing him the door (assuming he even opted to stay the night, that is)  But until you grow up just a bit more, sadly, I don't see it happening any time soon.

So yeah, enjoy the dance.

Don't worry Jakey.  We're still reserving some space on our bed for you.

I'm fine here at the table.
You should see us dance when we're both at the bar.
Maybe then you'll see things a tad better.

Celebrity Appearances while Roleplaying with my Partner

Role playing games has been a major hobby of mine ever since I first had my chance encounter on a school bus that ended in a fiery end.  Mind you, I am not referring to those atrocities they call MMORPGs which while I do accept are Massively Multiplayer Online gamers, they are not actual role playing games.  Role playing games are about crafting stories interactively with a set of players that shape the ongoing story and move the plot further.  MMORPGs are all about repeatable grinding instances where your "quests" don't really change the game world at all, since later on they can be repeated either with a different group, or done again by another group in their own way.  Yes I know I'm being geek elitist again (sort of like how I refuse to see those existing Toycons, Otakons, et al as real conventions since they are actually just over-glorified tiangges made to look fandom-related thanks to the overwhelming presence of cosplayers) but considering how much I love and respect my hobbies, I have to hold them up well with higher standards.

As I mentioned in my other blog, gaming has thankfully been rich and present in my life.  My partner has broken his gaming geek hymen and enjoys the hobby a lot!  In return, I have been doing my best to keep the game much more entertaining for him and one of the ways I do so is by making sure he has a hot supporting character present for him to interact with.  This has of course amused him (and at some times gotten him "pikon") at the fact that I make sure these characters one way or another try to flirt with him.  I'm sure that many of you would agree that if you were given a chance to interact with these characters' you would relish the chance to do "anything you want" with them.

The first game my partner ever got to play in was a Vampire: the Requiem game which had elements of Hunter: the Vigil as part of its narrative.  Being Rocky's first game, I sort of thought he'd be able to connect with the game more by playing a character closer to his personality.  Playing a gay comic store owner in the game allowed him the familiar comfort of being surrounded by geeky surroundings.

In this game, I had an unexpected character show up, supposedly in a desperate bid to catch up on the latest comics he had long missed, but later on attempt to seduce him.  It was revealed later in the game that some demon had possessed his body to use it as a tool to win Rocky's character over to his side and win the war against Heaven.    The character was:

If this man walked up to you, and asked you to do whatever you want with him
in exchange for your soul, what would you say?

The second time I gave Rocky a celebrity npc was when we were playing Changeling: The Lost.  In this game, I had his character have an ex-boyfriend who was still deeply enamored by him.


Unfortunately, Rocky's character had long moved on and the poor guy pined over a long ended passionate affair.  If you were in his shoes, would you have turned this guy down?

And yes, there WAS a scene just like this.

The third time a celebrity npc appeared was when we were playing AEON Trinity, a science fiction game where Rocky was playing a hacker who happened upon a government secret Acceptable Intelligence program.  The program was hungry for information and sought to understand human nature.  At one point, the program assumed a 3d solid light projection and asked Rocky to help him understand the biological impulses of sexual arousal.  Rocky opted to delay the session for another time (well, the world was on the verge of an alien invasion, so I guess he had a good reason to).  I wonder though how many of you out there would have done the same to him:

"Can you teach me what it means to get 'off?' "

Currently, we are playing Weapon of the Gods.  This game is pretty much like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and Hero having a baby with Final Fantasy 7.  Gravity defying action, epic romances and incredible feats of martial arts dot the game.  Rocky plays the Dragon Minister who has fallen from the Emperor's good grace and in his travels to redeem himself, he has gained a young man seeking to prove himself.  I decided to give a certain celebrity another chance and be part of the game.  This time, his presentation was filled with double meaning statements ("How swift thy sword sifu.  Perhaps you can one day let me hold it and teach me to use it to your satisfaction?")   So far, the unspoken bromance hasn't gone overboard, but the players are all loving the subtle flirtation going on.

See, he CAN defy gravity.

Finally, we are going through a dark gem of a game called the Giovanni Chronicles, which is part of the Dark Ages Vampire line.  Here Rocky's character was among a group of people who were invited to a banquet by some nobleman, only later to learn that they have been drawn into a conspiracy of monsters and death.  I have yet to include a celebrity npc in this game, since the game does need a heavy dose of drama and emotional impact.  Such an npc might make the game feel less serious.  However, if I do ever add such a personality, I already have a short list of actors to choose from.  I wonder which one though would you guys think would be best:

Wearing ONLY this.

At least he'd have a bigger role than he did in Riverworld.

Guiltily, he ALREADY has appeared in another game.
But that was for another player.

Hmmm but he's already dressed for the second book of the game!

Ah so many choices.... who to pick I wonder.

P.S.
To those who thought this was about a different kind of roleplaying... my apologies.
Whether or not that happens between me and my partner is between us alone to know.  At least for now.

Geekwood: Rygar

Rygar and I first met way back when I was still unaware that I was going to grow up into a happy bisexual man. At that time, being the geek I also am, videogames were a huge part of my life.  Console gaming was on the rise and the Nintendo Entertainment System was gaining ground with its wide selection of games.    I loved the games back then.  There was a certain kind of joy in seeing enemies plummet to their doom in Balloon Fight.  There was a spine-tingling excitement in shoot out the lights in Elevator Action.  One game which stood out for me was a game about a shirtless hero in red pants who used a shield as his weapon.  The game was called Rygar and unlike most games, it was not content to merely be a side-scrolling adventure.  While lacking an actual battery or save game system to make it easier to beat, the game had enough elements such as role playing game elements, upgradeable weapons and interesting bosses  to keep me playing on it for hours each day.

Simple title screens.   I miss those.

It wasn't til after I became more aware of my sexuality and the release of the long delayed sequel on the Playstation 2 that I realized how hot Rygar actually was.  And in many ways, that was the theme of Rygar's failures:  Coming too late.

 I wonder if Rygar inspired me to like Bara stuff?  Hmmm!

Rygar's lack of a save game system caused it to suffer in many ways, the least of which was having gamers who thought the game was way too hard.     Many would opt to leave their units on through many nights with the hope of finishing the game.   Most however would instead have their mothers complain about them wasting electricity or have them shutting off the unit thinking it wasn't being used.  The save game function came too late.

Working that Tiara!
And I love the photoshop disaster on the tree behind him.

Rygar's signature weapon was a unique weapon even for its time.   Nowadays, the idea of a shield used as a weapon thanks to a flexible chain seems commonplace, with games like Ragnarok Online and even more evidently God of War having stolen the idea and made it seemingly their own.  But Rygar came first with the ability of throwing the shield at the enemy, usually in rapid successive throws, until the enemy was brought down.    I recall how annoyed I was to overhear some gamer in a shop once remark that Rygar "copied" God of War.   We geeks can feel quite elitist at times, I admit.

Oh Rygar.  At least you're still proudly in red.

Rygar's arrival on the Playstation 2 system came too late too.  The game was released way after the success of the God of War franchise and instead looked like a sad copy rather than the return of the original adventurer.  The game too arrived at the market at a time when most were already considering the jump to the newer consoles such as the Playstation 3 and the Wii.

Hmm... not working the Tiara as well now.

Lastly, the look of the character shifted away from its signature look and sadly fell towards a more anime looking style.  While admittedly the original look seemed strange, with our hero in red pants with a Tiara on his head, the Playstation 2 look attempted to give him a more Greek appearance while maintaining the red thematic touch.  The latest look on the Wii however reminds me more of some Korean MMO than our Diskarmor weilding hunk.

Not that much a fan of the new look.
But it is a nice modernization to it, I guess.

Ultimately, Rygar deserves some love and this blog is giving him that spotlight even for just this brief moment in time.  While you may have traded your long dark locks for a shock of white fire, and you've given up on your proud red outfit for something more bipolar in nature, I will at least give you bonus points for choosing to share a tad more skin, a new interest in body art, and that hint of a soul patch that makes you look dirty in just the right way.

Okay, NOW a fan of the new look.
Sighs.   Thank god for hot cosplayers.

Rygar rates an epic three throbbingly thrown Diskarmors.

The Cock or the Egg?

In my relationship with my partner, each and every single day has its own mushy moment.  In Filipino, we refer to such moments as our personal "baduy" moments.  It might be something like me sneaking a stuffed toy duck into my partner's packed lunch bag for the day, or him waking me up (with a little something-something) then surprising me with a magazine featuring some celebrity I like on the cover, or him coming home to find a bunch roses on the table waiting for him, and so on and so forth.  To a large extent, this ever present willingness to make each and every single day as romantically special as the first few days when we had just met seems to stem greatly from the fact that when we did meet, sex was not the first item on our agenda.

Spit or Swallow?  Why not just Cuddle?

My partner and I met because we were both happy to have found a fellow geek who was interested in something the other was.  In our case, it was a long discontinued collectible card game called Netrunner.  For him, the game was something longed to play but never really got the chance to do so.  For me, it was a game I truly enjoyed which I had long left untouched ever since my gaming group had started to move onto other games.   The moment we both realized we shared an existing frustration for the game, we realized it was by meeting up that we could finally put that frustration to rest.

NetRunner.  God it opened all these geek flirtations.
"Are you making a run?"  "No, I'm jacking off." "What??!"  "OUT! Out! Jacking out!" *blushes*

While there may have been a healthy heaping of witty banter and flirtatious comebacks, our early days of getting to know one another revolved more around sharing more of what we loved rather than indulging on the  act of making love.  Webcam sessions were for us to watch episodes of Battlestar Galactica in synch rather than randy attempts to cum on cue.  Late night trysts were more to share dinner at some fast food place or restaurant rather than escape away to the noise-resistant confines of some motel room.

Simply put, for us sex was not the initial spark that began to burn into a passionate fire.
Or to use my title's analogy, the (creative geeky) egg came before the cock.

I personally still thick the Egg came first.  Dinosaur eggs that is.

Many other gay couples I know met their partners first as someone they were grinding against on the dance  floor.   Others found what they call love from a fellow lonely stranger who offered a smile and a good opening line.   Such  meetings are no different from how I met my partner:  They were meetings which may or may not have happened had certain things happened differently.  They were meetings that finally came to pass because at least one of the two decided to take that chance, reach out, and say hello.

But sadly, a larger number of these chance encounters for some reason choose the bed as the stage where the decision of making someone a partner is made.   For some reason, regardless of the other person's physical, social or mental traits, it seems his performance in bed (and for others, which I think is even sadder, the other man's cock size) becomes the final test which will determine if the person is worth considering relationship material.    One friend once explained this to me in this manner, "If he can't make me cry out his name, then I'm gonna wave goodbye and find someone who can."

Gotta admit, one can always try more creative positions if one does choose to do it.

The Cock came before the Egg.

I used to share that mindset when I was still in college.

Back in those years, young as I was to the world and its sensual affairs (my sexual encounters prior to becoming a college freshman were far less than the number of fingers you have as a human being) and each time I thought I met someone interesting, I saw nothing wrong with expecting a good humping as a key factor in deciding if someone was worth my time.  For some reason I assumed it would be harder for someone to learn to make love better than it was for someone to be smarter.  Or be more in tune with my way of thinking.  Or be more capable of making me laugh without really trying.

See, I love Star Trek now!  :-)

I felt sex was something that on the first try had to be perfect.  

It was that damned Hollywood illusion that if someone was meant for you, plug should perfectly fit socket and the sound of slapping meat should lead to orgasmic tsunamis erupting in unison.   Maybe it was just because it was the 90s back then, but I could not recall much movies where two people having sex would have elbows bumping into faces or insertions leading to bloody painful wails.  I couldn't see why someone meant for me would have trouble swallowing or would fail to get it up on the first go.   My demands for a partner included that he (or she) perform on cue, hard (or wet) when I needed it, without any need for artificial lubrication or second attempts.

There are benefits to being Bisexual.   Yep.

Hell, I was a damn hot guy whose friends nicknamed a Sexpert! Why should I settle for anything less than a masterful toothless blowjob that milked me with the intensity of a hentai flick?

Yep.   Talk about self deluded, eh?

You know what's worse?

Until now, some people out there still have that mindset.
And they aren't exactly still in their younger years.

Sex is still being used by so many people out there as the measuring scale of a man's viability to be a partner.  Don't get me wrong, though.  I clearly understand the important role great sex and its role in the need for physical satisfaction, I am now a firm believer however that there are things that are easier to develop than others.  And better yet, some things are far better to develop together with one's partner than alone.

Sometimes all it takes is one step at a time.

Maybe I sound naive in saying this... or maybe I'm being one of the few mature enough to say this aloud, but if one chooses to make sexual performance the biggest factor of what makes a relationship work, then one should expect never to be truly happy in their relationship since any new guy who comes along might perceivably be better in the sack.  And that, in my opinion, is a relationship doomed to fall apart.

Egg before Cock and you're sure to last longer than the typical cum shot.

I'm very happy to be in a relationship that was born from mutual interests growing into shared ones.  And I love how each and every single day is excitingly a beautiful juxtaposition of shared joy and discovery.    While I have been in many relationships before, this is definitely one which feels like there ain't gonna be a time we will ever get bored of each other.

And that, I personally feel, is a relationship that is meant to last. 

Coming out and its many layers

I used to be content that only my friends knew.

I wasn't your stereotypical son, though.  In the early years, my parents saw me as the strange and irritating child who loved to be loud and act crazy.  I always made faces in family pictures.  I always indulged in horror movies while the rest of the family found them disturbing.  I hated sports.  Though I was active in running, then later tennis, and even much later, swimming, I was the kid who could score a three-point shot while running around the basketball court screaming, "I HATE THIS GAME!"

Yep, stepping out of the closet required image here. 

And I loved Halloween.

Every year I'd host these huge parties, dressing up the separate house where we used to hold the parties with artwork and decor that I'd come up with through the creative use of newspapers, latex paint, crepe paper and  foil.  My Halloween parties were legendary (at least among my friends) and so were my costumes.  From Freddy Kreuger to Giger's Alien, I dressed up in many disturbing costumes and usually even had my own tiny act to accompany it.

My first crush was a girl.  She had the sweetest smile and the deepest blue eyes.  I met her in Bukidnon and I found myself wondering if I'd ever see her again.

But the first person I fell in love with was my best friend.  He and I used to hang out nightly either at the nearby alleyway or at the village park, to stare at the stars, to smoke cigarettes, and to talk about life.  We would talk about our hopes, dreams and fears and we would only stop talking when we felt the dawn creeping close.

My high school years were horrible.  I was starting to realize my sexuality then, after a horrifying moment in gym class when a boner sprung out unexpectedly on me while the rest of my classmates were getting dressed to take a swim.  I locked myself in a dressing chamber and prayed for it to fade away.  The years to follow were filled with me being insulting and cruel to the evidently gay classmates we had.  It wasn't because I was envious of their freedom, as many writers would try to claim.  For me, it was because I could not stomach I was "one of them."

I tried to kill myself a few times after.  Being from a religious family, I didn't want this horrible secret to leak out and taint the family name.   It took three attempts to lash myself, and three "coincidences" happening to stop me for me to wake up to the truth that I wasn't meant to do that.  The last one had a classmate calling me out of nowhere at 3a.m. to tell me he had a dream demanding I needed his help.  That classmate saved my life and even now, I doubt he remembers it ever happened.

Eventually, I told my best friend.  One night on the way home from our usual talks, I threw out the question, "What would you do if I was gay?"  He laughed at the question and though it was absurd.  Before he headed home, I threw out a, "By the way, that question earlier?  I am."  And didn't hear from him for the next day.   The following day, however, he showed up and we were just as we always were.  He told me, "I realized you were still you.  So it shouldn't be a problem."

We're still friends.  He's married and with kids.  But we aren't as much in touch as before anymore.

In college, it was easier to find others to talk to about myself.   But it was harder to make sense of things.  Unlike many who abuse the term, I was an honest-to-goodness bisexual who loved and passionately made love to people, regardless if they were men or women.  In college, there were the loud gays and the quiet secretive ones.  I decided I was more like the quiet ones.

Friends new.  Teachers new.  A fellow student even had me in a documentary (which I believe is still in DLSU's archives) on me talking about threesome relationships and why mine worked (for only 9 months though, after which all the lies were revealed and I had to start over).  But family, no they never knew.

I first came out to my brother.   One night he dragged me out with him to a fastfood chain to talk to me about something that was greatly worrying him.  As it turned out, he and his girlfriend were getting serious and he wasn't sure how to break the news to our parents.  I told him, "You have it easy.  Trust me.  Guess what my problem is?"  And when I told him, he agreed.  I was gonna have it tough.

A few years later, I came out to my mother's eldest brother.  He was in the theater industry and was for certain much more open-minded about these things.  He consoled me and congratulated me on my bravery and admitted that my mom would probably find it hard to just accept things.  "Give it time," he reminded me, "But tell her when you are sure it is time."

"Huli ka!"

During all these passing years, I had relationships.  Guys.  Girls.  My parents knew all my girlfriends.  Some they loved.  Others they hated.  My parents met all my boyfriends.  They were all my "new bestfriends" in their eyes.  Deep down I suspected they already knew.  There was that NewYorker skirt my mom gave me one Christmas supposedly, "In case you needed a skirt for a theater play."   There were the gay porn magazines I once found suddenly neatly arranged (by date!) in their hiding place.  There was also that time I was having sex and left the phone off the cradle, only to have my dad buzz my room asking me to put it down.  Oh and there was that one time I was giving someone head when someone tapped at my window.  But I guess it was safe to say they didn't see anything. Hear though, I feared they had.  The guy was moaning pretty loud.

Yep, not all bisexuals are just guys afraid to admit they're gay.

My girlfriends all knew I was bisexual.  I always told them this fact before things got serious.  All admitted they were okay with it, but later would admit it wasn't the easiest thing to be okay with.  Many friends still feel I let "the right one go".  Personally, I think regardless of how things went, me and they all left with something new learned in their hearts and minds.

I had gotten so used to living between words and hiding relationships between definitions that I didn't think I'd ever need to come out.  So what if they always thought I had a best friend over?  So what if they never knew I loved him more than I thought I could ever love anyone else?

Then he came.  How the relationship started is an epic tale in itself - and yes it involves Transformers, dragons, songs, wavelengths, and tears, but that's a story for another day.  What it did bring was a sudden desire once again to be recognized.   To have our relationship recognized.   To be proudly able to say, "I am with him."

It took me a year to get ready.  It took me a year to weigh the odds:  Would I be thrown out of the house?  Can I survive without my parents being part of my life?  Am I really ready to do this?  Within that year, I took steps that prepared me for the final leap.  My partner and I marched on Gay Pride (which so many ignore and instead focus solely on the White Party) and I felt the anger and sadness for the people who were there to tell me I was evil and should not exist.  I heard the protesters rage about how I was bringing the end of the world.  I realized I needed to speak up.  I wanted to show we weren't the horrors they all thought.  I found strength in what my partner Rocky told me:  "Coming out is always a personal choice."  Part of me knew he was instrumental in this resurgence of wanting to be recognized, but he was right.  If I were to come out, it had to be because I wanted to.  Not because I was doing it for him.   Not because I had to.

And I realized, yes I wanted to.

Given all the cons of coming out, the pain and the possibilities of being disowned, I realized I wanted to be recognized as me.  I wanted to be honest about who I was.  I didn't want to be hidden between the lines anymore.  At least not to my parents.  Every year, my birthday was a day I'd get depressed seeing it as another year my parents did not know their own son.

I wanted them to know me.

And so I did.  One night, I told my parents I needed to talk to them.  April 21st.  It was the point of no return.    And finally, when we spoke, it was a moment I will always remember.  There were tears.  There were painful moments.  But there was also an unmistakable aura of love and strength.  My parents were finding it hard to accept, and much to my surprise never thought I was gay.  I didn't want to clarify that I was bisexual at first to make it easier for them, but when they asked about my girlfriends it didn't feel right for them to think they were all just foils to hide the truth.  But I came out, and in the end, they admitted that nothing will ever change the fact they love me and want me to be happy.

Now my parents know the whole story.

Breaking out at last!

They know about the fact I am living a happily geeky gay life with my partner and while they admit they aren't ready to see him yet or have me too openly talking about him, I feel overjoyed to know they know my life and  not just the lie I used to keep surrounding them.

They asked me to give them time, and I realize I at least will give them that.  I have yet to proclaim myself to the rest of the family that I am gay, but then again I don't really see the need to.  After all, I'm not hiding.  My blog and facebook profile openly speaks of my relationship and status.  My life openly reflects my lifestyle.   I have had some net savvy extended family members contact me and offer words of support.  But I've also had others who haven't heard the "chismis" and are still left in the dark.  My Lola recently asked me if I was still single.  I replied, "Tell you more about it next time Lola.  Best siguro ask my Mom.  But I want you to know I am very very happy and very very well cared for."

The Many Layers of Inception.
Pwedeng analogy to the many layers of the closet!

I like this feeling of being honest with myself and to others.
I understand that coming out has its layers.  Sometimes you can't quite come out completely in one go.  Some have the choice stripped from them.  Others choose to limit the circle of knowledge to what's convenient or comfortable for them.  But ultimately, coming out empowers.  And is a personal reminder to yourself that yes you can be who you are and not be afraid.

My name is Tobie Abad and I am proud to say I've come out.
I am proudly living with my partner, Rocky, and you can read about his coming out story here.
I hope others in time find the right moment for them to choose to do the same.
There will always be excuses and reasons not to.
But the choice to do so will always be yours unless you wait for the time it will be taken from you.